   Ganheim
2007-10-23 . chapter 16Prologue
The warm box clutched next to her chest felt good...
[Would that not cause the whole thing to slide into a mess at the corner?]
He let that gorilla girl beat up on him
[I’m thinking that this might be less Ukyou thinking and more character bashing, which I find rather distasteful.]
It was the same way she looked at Ranch--
[Generally, when Romanized the honorific suffix should be separated by a hyphen. Recall that Japanese syllables have an open construction. This says ‘ranch’, but to be more clear an even shorter ‘Ran--’ would be better, and wouldn’t violate Japanese syllable construction and proper name schemes.]
but he figured he would burn that bridge when he came to it.
[Isn’t it generally _cross_ that bridge, as burn has the negative connotation of destroying options?]
What was Ukyou doing in the mountains?
[Ryouga may rarely know where he’s actually going, but if he’s in the forest he generally knows he’s in the forest. When he’s in a city, he generally knows he’s in a city. All he has to do is look around – his difficulty is putting together the places he can’t see.]
the long strands of her hair fell across her face.
[Doesn’t she normally keep her hair in a ponytail, which would pretty much eliminate strands of hair in her face?]
Chapter 1
"Give me the paddles!
[I assume you mean defibulator pads.]
He was almost a worthy opponent for him."
[I like ‘almost a worthy opponent’. Made me crack up.]
She was tough; tough girls don't cry.
[Tense disagreement: first past tense, then present (don’t). The general story is in past tense, so ‘don’t’ should be didn’t.]
"That idiot he didn't have to do that.
[Missing comma after ‘idiot’.]
Ryouga gaped from the floor.
[Now that his name’s been said, what is the excuse for him not putting two and two together and realizing it’s _HIM_?]
"Besides, didn't he make that vow that he wouldn't rest until he defeated me? And you know what that means."
"He's going to live forever!"
[Priceless line.]
Stop confusing me!"
[Ryouga was never that bright, but I don’t think he’s this incredibly dense.]
Chapter 2
Akane had gotten some kind of head start, and stolen his heart before Ukyou had even set foot in Nerima.
[An accurate statement.]
Damn, he'd lost another bet.
[That is morbid and horribly cruel - and damn funny.]
With his broken leg, broken arm,
[Just one (of each)? Even for Ryouga, I’d figure that both of the two (or at least both legs) would be broken.]
Shampoo: "Thanks" for saving stupid spatula girl! Competition almost eliminated! Shampoo come see you after you get all better!
Ryouga frowned and set down Shampoo's card. Who knew they made cards with crossbones?
[You win.]
Nabiki:
[I can’t imagine Nabiki spending her own money on a card at all.]
A BILL FOR THE CARD?!"
[Though I also can’t ima…no, I can imagine her doing something so tacky.]
his other cloths were completely ruined.
[Generally, ‘cloth’ refers to the material. Clothing or clothes generally refers to what the cloth makes.]
so they had been told to use the elevator like normal people.
[Another hilarious line.]
"Hey Ryouga are you naked in there?"
[From what they last knew, he still should be bedridden. That means he can’t dress himself, so as long as it’s visiting hours the door’s open.]
What followed next constituted a new law in the hospital banning all large spatulas and mallets on hospital grounds.
[My sides hurt.]
Chapter 3
Shouldn't she be happy for Ranch--err
[Either say “Ran-chan” or “Ran--”, “ranch” is a place cattle are raised. And a delicious salad dressing.]
His crutches left huge holes in the sidewalk.
[He’s hobbling. Crutches are not extremely large, even compared to Japanese sidewalks (which, typically, are narrower than European sidewalks, which are narrower than American sidewalks).]
or the fact that he was glowing bright green, he wasn't sure.
[Glowing? What the hell?]
"Damn it! I just made myself depressed again!"
[Which is exactly why his Shishi Houkoudan is so powerful and easy for him to use.]
Amazingly, two more blocks down. It _WAS_.
[I use the underscores in reviews because formatting is destroyed in reviews. In a story you have the option (and should) use proper italics. Even if you don’t have your own word processing software (which offers free), you can use QuickEdit.]
Thinking _THAT_ could actually happen.
[Repeat: proper formatting.]
Chapter 4
"Who would have ever thought he could _FIND_ any drugs?"
[Repeat: formatting.]
"No one _IMPORTANT_."
[Repeat: formatting.]
even if it killed him!
[Whenever such words are uttered, people die. That’s like saying ‘you won’t live to regret it’.]
There's this guy that breaks rocks and everything."
[This confused me greatly.]
He didn't even think she wore perfume.
[Canon indicates she doesn’t. Oh well, a small item to file under ‘suspension of disbelief’.]
So sit down and let me repay you, jackass."
[Doesn’t she get bored of calling him a jackass? I know it’s getting old with me.]
"Nah, Ranch--err Ranma's a lot cuter than you."
[Stop calling Ranma ‘ranch’. It’s extremely annoying, and violates even faintly good Japanese.]
"It's not Akane's cooking."
[*snap*]
She looked out the window to make sure pigs weren't flying.
Tarou flew by her window, chasing Happosai.
[You win.]
Chapter 5
Step... Crutch... Step... Crutch...
[Ryouga has been repeatedly portrayed as stronger than he has control over, but destroying the sidewalk just by walking is ridiculous.]
Maybe he should have used the other NON-BROKEN foot?
[_Other_ non-broken foot? So he has more than two now?]
some divine power (or powers?) that enjoyed to torment.
[You mean ‘that enjoyed tormenting him’?]
Giant yetis may fly, the sky might turn orange, *Shampoo might learn about the wonderful world of pronouns*,
[You win.]
shUt uP aND dO As YoUr tOld
[What the hell?]
but they hindered his movements too much.
[Movement.]
he just didn't know WHERE he was going.
[Something pretty typical for Ryouga, no?]
A long jagged knife
[They have to be jagged, don’t they?]
The man fell to the floor, cradling his bruised wrist.
[1: ground, since they’re outside. Floor refers to the bottom of an area indoors. 2: it’s _only bruised_ from being hit by a throw from Ryouga? Blows like that have knocked Ranma unconscious!]
The man snickered and playfully switched his knife from hand to hand as he approached.
[Right after being hit and bruised from a thrown crutch. From Ryouga.]
Chapter 6
but in reality, it was a small, flat heart attack on a plate.
[So a common American take-out meal?]
and apparently no longer had any feeling from the neck down.
[Or up.]
Perfect! She'd take him to the mall, have lunch, get a haircut, and then crumble his hopes and dreams into dust.
[Sounds like a plan.]
Genma had gotten away with that he needed punished for.
[needed _punishment_?]
In fact, he was often a jerk?
[This is a statement, it should end in a period.]
His fangs made it rather hard to pull off that expression correctly.
[What fangs? Granted, in the anime he may seem to have them, but he’s drawn by the same cell-painters that paint Kouga. Same style, same little mistakes.]
The old man jumped down from the ledge
[That he had been about to jump off to commit suicide by doing so. Or does he hop back onto the pedestrian walk?]
Ryouga mentally frowned. That wasn't a "no" either.
[Funny.]
Chapter 7
as if they were made laughing instead of frowning.
[as if they were made _by_ laughing?]
what kind of name for is Red Right Hand?
[I think the ‘for’ is extraneous.]
"Oh well, screw it."
[Not Ryouga’s idiom.]
Only a flashy idiot uses nunchukus in a real fight.
[I would have to disagree, nunchuku can hurt severely and when wielded by somebody who knows how to use them, can be anything from a nonlethal instrument to a machine that can quickly kill.]
Ryouga looked over the carnage
[Ryouga isn’t much one to cause carnage. Chaos, with every breath. But carnage? No.]
Some okonomiyaki.
[Was that a rimshot, or alarm bell?]
Oh well, plenty of time to sleep when you're dead.
[Hey, that’s _my_ line.]
Chapter 8
Steaming baths lined every direction but his to right,
[Steam means hot. Hot would have turned him back into a human right away.]
little pigtailed psychopaths wielding hammers, moving faster than the eye can see.
[And turning into girls when splashed with cold water.]
NO ONE has known true fear until they've went shopping with a girl.
[Oh my, I’m trembling in despa-z.]
"So Ryouga, ready to cut loose and have fun?"
"No, not really."
"Well too bad!
[You win.]
like a cosmetic shop of horrors.
[Oddly enough, many of them _do_ look like a shop of horrors.]
She wore jeans and a trendy T-shirt with American writing.
[‘American writing’ doesn’t mean much. How about ‘English’, or ‘Roman letters’, for those who don’t know what “Roomaji” is?]
After all, the man's opinion really didn't matter.
[Rimshot.]
How was she supposed to now?
[Spelling: know.]
as food from Nerima was ought to do.
[I think you mean ‘was _wont_ to do’. “Wont” can look like a funny word, and I think it’s fading into archaism because I don’t see it in many modern publications, but it’s still a valid word meaning ‘having a tendency’.]
It was really empowering.
[*Holds up finger and opens mouth to say something*]
Ryouga rubbed the back of his neck and laughed nervously.
[With his mouth full.]
and everyone else within a fifty feet radius.
[fifty _foot_ radius.]
"..."
[Denied. Tell us that Ryouga refuses to speak, something in narrative prose. The ellipsis is used in space-limited areas like manga and chatrooms, or in dialogue to indicate gaps BETWEEN SPOKEN WORDS.]
She couldn't get close to anyone for fear they'd find out her secret.
[And who better than an idiot like Ranma, who _never knew she wasn’t a boy_.]
Heh, It was almost like him and Ukyou had gone out on a date or something...
[Capitalization: ‘it’ doesn’t start a new sentence, don’t capitalize. And for the subjects: ‘he’, not ‘him’.]
Chapter 9
I'm pretty sure Mr. Tendo knows which is weird,
[From what canonical evidence? Or is this just an embellishment for the purposes of this story?]
And also made him glow quite a bit.
Boom!
Ryouga closed his umbrella and sat it on the top of his pack as his Shi Shi Hodokan died down.
[Problem: According to everything seen in the anime/movies and all implications I’ve heard of from the manga, he has to consciously activate Shishi Houdoukan.]
You were given this wonderful gift of life, only to realize there's a warranty, limited terms of service, no damn refunds, and about to be repossessed at anytime.
[Amen.]
It was the kind of thing that was made to stab someone in the skull with.
[Clubs are made to bash people in the chest/head, not stab. The spikes are generally just for spite – and ‘shits and giggles’. Seriously, they add almost nothing to the combat ability of the weapon.]
"SHISHI HOUDOKAN!"
[So are you going to spell it with the extended vowel sounds, or simplified? Pick one. My preference is to transliterate straight from what would be the kana, hence why both are the extended.]
Chapter 10
Ingenuity was too damn hard.
[Too funny...]
That's what I meant to.
[Spelling: too.]
This was worst than the time he had accidentally wandered into that gay bar.
[Spelling: worse.]
"Is that all your going to tell me?"
[Spelling: you’re.]
Chapter 11
and hitting Ranch--err Ranma for no reason,
[Stop Calling Him Ranch!]
SHE _WAS_ TURNING INTO A PERVERT!
[Formatting.]
It pains me to hear beautiful girls me "Mr.".
[Punctuation: within the double quotes of dialogue, you use single quotes. And then double quotes again if you have another set within those, but if you’re nesting that far then you need to work on paraphrasing. The shortened ‘mister’ also would only have one period, either before or after the quote mark, depending on which side of the pond you’re on.]
Too hell with what's honorable.
[Spelling: To.]
MAN-EATING BARACUDA!"
[Baracuda eat…never mind. I’m giving up.]
Maiming, yes. Killing, no.
[Funny.]
The Lost Boy cracked his knuckles
[Or not-so-lost boy, as the case may now be.]
...if he didn't overdue it,
[Spelling: overdo.]
The slight annoyance created a few black and blue liaisons on his chest.
[Spelling: lesions. Problem: lesions refer to postulant blisters, but blunt-force trauma generally creates bruises.]
just like chi. He had plenty of blood and not enough ki...
[Technically, ‘ki’ and ‘chi’ are the same thing, one derives from Japanese and one derives from Chinese.]
Chapter 12
black and blue liaisons covered his chest,
[bruises.]
and flew him to the other side of the wall...
[The backside of that same wall? Wow, matter transparency!]
It seemed deserted.
[Convenient.]
Ryouga held his breathe.
[Spelling: breath.]
"You're covered in blood and dirt!"
"Aww, that's so cute!"
[That’s disturbing in a very bad way. I wonder what the next story focuses on…]
"..."
[Denied. Don’t cheap out, tell us that he doesn’t think of anything to say.]
that girl had said had been a traitor?
[that girl had said _he_ had been a traitor?]
It'd be different if he'd said something about his dad's wife, but he'd said THAT mom...
[I’m confused.]
Chapter 13
or secret military installations anywhere in between the two!
[You win.]
Slight cross dressing and an obsession with cooking were definitely on the lower end of the scale.
[Quite true.]
Since food is much more important than love, as most dogs realized,
[That’s...pretty much exactly how dogs act.]
"Wel I'm gonna go now.
[‘well’ has two ‘L’s. Even if you drag out the vowel, it’s still supposed to keep the twin consonants.]
Ukyou smirked. "You should have him neutered."
Ranma covered his mouth as a sort of half-scream came out.
[That line and Ranma’s response were so funny.]
The rest of the patrons grabbed their food in hand and left as fast as they could.
[The laughter hurts.]
STOP_BEING_COWARDS!"
[Formatting. Oh, and find new ways to indicate her screeching mood besides holding down the shift key. The all-caps gets slightly old.]
"YOU'RE GOING ON A DATE!"
[Would it be too much to ask for speech tags so we know who the hell is speaking? This could be any of the three. By the way, the all-caps is getting tiring. Try a descriptive speech tag, that’s more satisfying than a bunch of big letters.]
"GO NOW AND HAVE FUN OR I'M KILLING YOU BOTH!!"
[Okay, I was getting tired of the caps before, but now I don’t want to see another capital letter until the next story. You’ve made me sick of them.]
She REFUSED to be.
[Stop it with the caps. Try formatting, it’s not that hard.]
"Tetsusaiga... ow!"
[*Rimshot*]
Chapter 14
The long name was simply a ruse, to make the building sound more politically correct and hide it's true nature.
[Like half the “hospitals” in Japan built between the 1800s and 1970s, when too many reporters were finding out about NIH’s unauthorized experiments on people. Search Google or Wikipedia for “Unit 731” for other tidbits.]
It was beyond him why they kept that one patient apart from the others.
[All she did was have pink hair and horns...]
and used their combined two brain cells to look confused.
[You win.]
(as is the proper manly thing to do).
[That...looks so much like the type of thing that Ranma would say.]
He'd even allowed Akane to drag him to get a hair cut.
[Please allow me to gag at the similarity to Ryouga’s scene.]
He could see better in a fight now.
[In either form, his hair never even came down to his eyebrows. He wouldn’t be able to see his own hair, therefore no haircut would allow him to see any better.]
a certain purple haired weapon of mass destruction could go off any day now.
[An angry Shampoo could indeed be thought of in this manner, couldn’t she? Particularly to people who piss her off – except Ranma, for some reason. She’s too tolerant with him.]
Ranma Saotome does not get snubbed!
[Another thing that just seems such Ranma’s idiom.]
the near sighted martial artist had come up with a plan of his own.
[near-sighted]
Ah, nothing like a good maniacal laugh to clear the head!
[Peter Anaspach’s list would have an issue with that.]
Didn't he realize the danger he and Ranma jr. was in?!
[I was going to throw out a smart-ass comment, but I’m just going to pass now.]
as if this wasn't already the bestest day ever--
[best. I don’t care if he’s not a native Japanese speaker, his speech was never muddled and his thoughts don’t have to go through dialect muddling.]
He knew he was being superstitious again,
[Which is hardly unusual for a very superstitious culture like the Japanese.]
The voices were screaming themselves hoarse now,
[Disembodied voices...screaming themselves hoarse. Yeah, right.]
Chapter 15
Why couldn't they just walk up and go 'Hello Mr. Ryouga would you like to fight to the death now?'
[You win.]
That sounded sorta perverted...
[In what way, shape, or form?]
Or had his hand reach for it?
[Tense: reached.]
he PrOmIseD 30 gENeraTiOns aGo...
[You cheapted out with the 30. Oh, and the ‘random’ alternating capitalization is annoying. The shift key is not your only source of formatting.]
'btW,
[I see chatspeak. Fix immediately.]
Would they think she was weird?
[Stupid question.]
and stomped off to the cooking club's table.
[What is it with the stomping?]
that eventually reached a pitch only dogs could hear.
[And down the street, a canine collapsed in pain.]
and cursed under his breathe.
[breath.]
Either he had went back in time,
[_gone_ back in time]
he figured the latter was probably true.
[Since he’s named a number of possibilities, I think ‘the last’ is more appropriate than ‘the latter’.]
and plague infested peasants,
[Plague-infested people would not be allowed in public in Japan – or at least, they’d do all they could not to look plagued. Correct in that they didn’t have modern medical technology (please note that increasing amounts of medical research now are trying to find why old remedies work); but remember that Japanese culture has since their beginnings on the archipelago been obsessive about cleanliness. Shinto priests wouldn’t even touch dead or sick bodies, they had the Buddhists do that. Somebody that looked obviously sick would probably stay hidden indoors in shame.]
"I could have stayed in that cave forever had I not been tricked
[Could you please end with an ellipsis and closing quote mark to tell the readers clearly that that person’s line ends? It’s good writing.]
somewhere between a ninja and a samurai.
[Generally speaking, ninja did not wear armor: too expensive, and then it had to be explained if they were investigated by someone. Ninjitsu is the art of blending in, not literally becoming invisible, and that’s why it’s still so useful an art today. Pity that it’s also a highly misunderstood art.]
his warrior army creaked as he sat on his knees.
[warrior _armor_ creaked?]
there was a slight line of drool running down the warrior's chin.
[Unseemly.]
She could cut off something REALLY important. Forget losing your soul, this guy needed to get his priorities straight.
[Please excuse me while I gag at the lame.]
Ryouga froze and sucked in this breathe.
[breath]
Ryouga listened to his breathe,
[Either ‘breath’ or ‘breathing’, I would recommend the latter.]
I need to relieve"
[Missing closing comma inside the quote mark.]
Chapter 16
Otaku people scared him.
[Unnecessary Japanese.]
Which sadly wouldn't be all that
[Missing commas following ‘which’ and ‘sadly’.]
sold him some good tasting ramen while her rough looking husband complained
[Grammar. I’m going to leave it at that for this line.]
The so called seer
[Punctuation: so-called.]
organized by the western alphabet...
Y: for Yuko.
[It would be far more likely to be organized in the Japanese kana ‘alphabet’, and ‘yu’ would still be near the bottom and likely the last.]
An impressive Victorian style house
[In Japan. How unusual. Of course, that probably goes with the scene.]
"And snacks, Hibiki's are always hungry."
[Punctuation: Hibikis.]
Could she, have a cure for his Junsenkyo curse?
[Why is there a comma there when the sentence doesn’t seem to have any natural pauses and is a single contiguous segment?]
"Will you... stop being mad at me?
[Missing closing quote mark.]
Honestly… and just fed him!
[and _she_ just fed him?]
This was an interesting story that didn’t feel out of line with the canon. I thought it was an interesting exploration focusing on the “secondary” characters of Ranma ½. I started to grow tired of the odd ‘cult’ insertion, but by the end it seemed to recover and the story is still interesting.
God bless and happy writing,
Ganheim |
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