Okay i got to say it, i positivly hate it when people write stories like this BWARG, i'm sure that the story itself is probably very good, but i cannot and will not read it when it is big and chunky like this, please rectify it, or email me and i'll do it for you, otherwise im gonna completly ignore it. To many readers write 'stories' like this, it just ends up giving me a headache.

You have good potential with this, and I can see you have talent in your writing.

This is a good core story, with a little tweaking and expanding you could have something great here.

First off, proof read it, and/or have someone you know read it over. You change verb tenses a lot, and there are some html formatting issues.

There are a few moments when the characters aren't quite themselves, but the rest of the time you are right on target with them.

The story seemed a bit rushed, and you might want to consider expanding on a few things such as: describe Galen's dream, explain how they got to this planet, what has been going on between Galen and Dureena before.

Also, when Galen falls into the pit: I don't think that he would. His natural reactions would take over, and he would cast some sort of spell to forma platform to stop the fall. Yes, his reaction time could have been to slow to react, but you discribe the hole as being very deep. There wouldn't be just a huge random hole in the earth, cover it up or something. If if it was completely bared out ot the open, Galen would have seen it. You should put something in that has it being covered by debris, and when he walks over it he falls through.

Overall, pretty good; the verb tenses are the worst thing and many people will be put off by it.

I's be happy to go over it in more detail if you are interested.

-Ellie

good carry on please do i love it