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| charmedbaby11 2006-07-28 ch 12,  | abuseDakota's alive?? UD SOON |
| Acacia Jules 2004-11-10 ch 1, | abuseThough I like your IDEA for the POV, and the wording is good . . . the whole mind frame is off! The idea that THREE YEAR OLD would be having such complex thoughts is inconcievable! Hell, even a six year old is iffy! You need to work on believablity. The thought process you wrote out here, is more that of a teenager or an adult than a child. But in no way, could it be a three year old. A three year old's throughts are simplistic, and straight forward. They're still working out how to learn how to talk properly. Not to mention, most three year old adoptees, don't know that they're adopted at that age. That's a topic that comes up later. If ever. It would be more likely that the child would have believed that the people who died in the fire were her REAL parents, and never knew that she had been adopted by them. And the state sure as hell never would have told her. You really need to put EVERYTHING in this chapter in much simpler terms. None of this 'petrified' stuff, no three year old knows that term! Or 'desolved'. And to have REGRETS at THREE?! You have to be kidding. The kid probably didn't have any idea what was going on! Kids at that age don't really even know what death is. That dead is dead, that when someone dies, they're not coming back. I know I seem like I'm being really critical. But I really think that you could be a great writer. It's obvious that you have talent, but you just don't have perspective. Atleast not on what's realistic for a child. To write a child, you need think about how a child thinks and acts. What they're capable of. Don't stray from that. I really think, that if you rewrite this first chapter, make it believable, you could really get a lot more readers, and a lot more reviews. |
| Pic-a-boo-I-C-U 2004-07-15 ch 12, | abuseOH how sweet oh i love it |
| EternalConfusion 2004-02-23 ch 12, | abuseThat was really good! You should definatly do a sequal! |
| kev 2003-11-16 ch 11, anon. | abusewow, just caught up great story update like asap |
| Charmed Writer P4 2003-11-12 ch 11, | abuseWoah...woah...I can't believe that. Please, you REALLY have to continue now! |
| angmalish 2003-11-12 ch 11, | abuseit's realy good! |
| Chub 2003-11-12 ch 11, | abusegood chapter, very descriptive. |
| janey 2003-11-12 ch 11, anon. | abusei thought this story would never be updted and now its here so thankyou, amazing chapter update asap |
| Batman Fanatic 2003-07-17 ch 8, | abuseso far so good, love your story. update soon!! ^_^ |
| charmed4life 2003-06-02 ch 9, anon. | abuseplease finish this tory fast i really like it! thanx! charmed rox! |
| charmed4life 2003-05-25 ch 9, anon. | abusethis is really good please add more soon... i cant wait to see wait happens! |
| Charmed Writer P4 2003-04-24 ch 9, | abusewell besides a few confusing things...(mama, papa, daddy,mommy) and the fact that tinch isn't a word, I liked it! :P Kidding, it was good. Tinch really ISN'T a word, but yeah...Great job, continue soon |
| Meredith 2003-03-04 ch 8, anon. | abuseI think u should have it be a ghost town and that monster attacks them. |
| Charmed Writer P4 2003-02-23 ch 8, | abuseI'm thrilled you finally updated! Yeah, the chapter was good. I definitely want Dakota alive, and as far as psychos, that's cool too. ok, go update! |