   craza2k 2005-09-06 . chapter 4Alright, I liked the plot and idea that you've stewed up at first and then things started to become...immature. Instead of finding a well-written story, I've found one that it totally wrack-filled with extreme overdone melodrama that has practically become a Mary Sue with Usagi's name on it. I'm sorry, what you had in the first chapter started out well, but as the story progressed, the plot, characterization, and development qualities have declined.
I'd like to point out one major flaw in your story that I find throws the next three chapters out of whack. At the end of chapter one, Usagi manages to pinpoint the location of some of the main characters of Inuyasha. "Kouga and Kagome were both further north, so she wouldn't have to decide who to follow until quite a bit later." In chapter two, you suddenly insert a new character who we soon discover is Inuyasha's and Sesshoumaru's father who has been dead at least fifty years before the arrival of Kagome in the Sengoku Jidai. (Loophole indeed.) Also in chapter one, you suggest a negative change in Kagome with "not noticing the black lines appear the the corner of her eyes", yet never elaborate on it again.
Perhaps this was intentional, perhaps not. After the first chapter and halfway through the next, I gave up trying to read it thoroughly and spent my next five minutes glancing over the next two, attempting to make sense out of everything. Usagi-Mary Sue dies. She is promptly sent to the past to kill Naraku, but is sent about 50-100 years too early. A village befriends her, knowing that she is a demon, but frankly don't care, then she is seduced by a male demon pretty much because he's hot and she doesn't give a damn that he has two other wives despite her own time's rigid, moral global teachings that polygamy is wrong or just WEIRD. Oh, not to mention that Mamoru is now completely a thing of the past, supposed true love or not. Some kind of conversation about a seal occurs where she next is impregnated by the perfidious Shiro, has a miscarriage, goes into a deep slumber for the next 50-100 years or so, experiences a brief bout of regaining her memories, screaming, and questioning her sanity of her attraction to Lucifer who is actually magically Naraku in disguise and apparently has the ability to look into the future now. Kanna nothing. Who the hell needs the soul-sucking kid when he could just figure out when Kagome's taking a bath in the stream the next day and kill her as she runs around naked and weaponless? You should include that as well to this senseless madness.
Please take the time to plan out your story more carefully in the future ("screw the couple pairing vote," in other words) and think whether or not a character's actions are logical. Perhaps you may wish to squeeze some humor into this story, but confusion and humor rarely mix very well.
And, I have just read your final author's note. No wonder why the timeline is so completely trashed. *Sigh* Not your fault, really.
Inutaisho (aka Shiro in your story) and Sesshoumaru's mother have Sesshoumaru. His mother dies or his father abandons her, the anime never really reveals it and I haven't caught up with the manga yet. I'm guessing several years pass, (considering the aging of demons, and the fact that Sesshoumaru has several memories and experiences with his father,) Inutaisho takes Inuyasha's mother as his next wife and they have Inuyasha. Almost immediately after Inuyasha is born, Inutaisho is killed. Inuyasha grows up, his mother dies, he meets Kikyou, and they begin their tragic lovestory. Onigumo enters the scene and manipulates the two, causing the death of Kikyou and for her to seal Inuyasha up for the next 50 or so years until Kagome arrives in the Sengoku Jidai and releases the seal. The rest is, I suppose, history. |
 Choas Babe 2005-06-16 . chapter 4Naraku DIES! Kikyo, eh, if she ever gains some semblence of what she used to be, Inuyasha. Kagome/Miroku/Sango threesome. What? I've never seen it. Usagi/Shiro! Or, if you're going to be an **, Usagi/Sesshomaru. Hey, that'll be interesting, the meeting between Usagi, Inuyasha, and Sesshomaru. Dude, one of them is walking out dead. |
| Celestial DreamBlaze 2004-06-25 . chapter 4 It's been a long time, ne Crazy-chan? If I may continue calling you that *grins*. Anyway...I've just re-read this fabulous story and, with this review, i urge you to continue it. It's not as wacky as your other stories but it's just as great. For the baddy love, though, I'm pining for Sesshoumaru. Even if it is strange, his intensity of Usagi as a child got me thinking...there was a reason for it... blah, blah, blah...
Hope you keep it up
Luv
Cel |
FanFiction.Net - unleash your imagination