  Moonish Salt 7/19/04 . chapter 4 Thanks god the mistakes are lessening. Is the book referance cut off or is the sentence simply incomplete?
Sometimes the repetition of pronoun like he and him can make it confusing, ( ex: "He poured a glass of the water and sitting Frodo up against him helped him drink." Both him referring to different caracters, it could confuse most poeple. )
As for the story itself, it is nice. Only, I am not sure I totally see its point. Do not take offense, I do not mean it in a bad way and I am sorry if it looks like it. Before and when writting a story, authors like to ask themself what is the point of their story, what is there to proove, what they want to archieve by it. From the way I see it, your story is mainly medicaly oriented.
Frodo is not prooving himself anything, his friends aren't always there to support him to proove that friendship is always there for you, no caracter ever thinks. It all just happen. What is the most described is the illness itself, hence why I said it's medically oriented. The story as a whole seems like a warning against this sickness, and only that. My point is that I do not see why you chose the fandom Lord of the Rings to pass this message (quiet an usefull one, though, so I thank you for warning us in case something awfull shall happen again, I do think it can help). If there was caracter devellopment of any kind it would be great, but since there is none I fail to see the arguments for your choice. An original story would have worked as well, as a one-page description of the sickness'symptoms.
I hope I managed to make this review usefull to you. |
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