I would love to translate this story to Spanish, if you let me. It is full of heart, and gives Yamcha the dignity he deserves as a character (something most B/V authors dismiss.)

I was wandering around the favorites of one of my favorite authors and came across your little fable. I am impressed. This was magnificent. You interspersed all the elements beautifully. The outside comments worked well with the internal comments. It was a great introspective on the dynamics of DBZ. Wow. Thank You for writing. -El-

Most interesting.

Boy I like this. Your story is very clever, very well-constructed. Insightfull and funny all at once.

Good job!

hehe, aw, that was kinda cute.

Wow, Crash, I'm impressed! Much better than the one I originally reviewed... ;D Very fluid writing, and you managed to combine the background dialogue and the story very well, without detracting from either. I really enjoyed the dialogue. I thought it was very funny, and it added to the story without getting in the way. It was also nice to get some detail on what Gohan's life was like after Cell...

The folk tale itself was very good. No wonder you got an A! Your conventions were excellent; it's obvious you do a thorough job of editing. Overall, very impressive and well put together.

Oh my god! I remember reading this fic a LONG time ago! WHy didn't I review? O.o Anyway, it was great refreshing my memory and reading it again!

Let me just say you are an AMAZING writer, and I thoroughly enjoyed this fic! This one early line killed me:

~Visualize your opponent. Plan your attack. Gather your power…~

LOL, I love the comparison to fighting in the whole writing thing, probably because I'VE just recently started doing that! ^-^

The conversation between Yamucha and Chi-Chi was kept very well in character, and funny too :) I REALLY enjoyed the little fable, and I love how you put the various characters in there, especially Yamucha! He's too often overlooked, but I like the guy.

~Yalmar was a jackrabbit who lived alone in a lowland forest. In his youth, he had laid claim to a small stretch of stream, and defended his territory from all other animals. Though small, Yalmar had bested many a threatening animal by using his speed and cunning to his advantage.

“And his mighty Kamehameha Wave. But I don't think rabbits do that.”~

~The fawn was attacked, and driven off the banks. Yet, instead of running further, the fawn paused.

“Because Dad really was that dumb, sometimes.”~

~“…About Goten? He get over that scorpion sting?”

“Stings, Yamcha. Many, many stings. The boy found a whole nest of them.”

“Euh. Y'know, maybe you ought to find something for that boy to do. Y'know, a hobby or something. Does he like crayons?”

“No, they taste ‘icky.’”~

~The braved foul weather, and traversed across inhospitable terrain.

“They boldly used vocabulary that no fable had used before.” Gohan chucked to himself. “Excelsior!”


LMAO. That's all I can say :P (lol, I know, I like to quote). Geez, let me just say again what a spectacular author you are! :D

And, um, I'm probably an idiot, but I can't figure out who the moose at the end was ^^;; That DOESN'T make it any less of an impressive and great tale, though! ^-^ Maybe if I think a little more, it'll come to me...

GREAT work, I'm going to see if I can check out some more of your stuff!

~Chrystaline

Well Crash, m'friend, this was utterly amazing. I can see why Snowy has dubbed you, what was it? Effing awesome? Lol, whatever it was, she was right!

The mastery with which you handled this fic... it completely blew me away. I think of all the fics I've read so far on this 'fic club', this is by FAR my favourite. Such a seemingly simple plot, and yet you transformed it into an incredible piece. I really don't know how you did it.

The interweaving and connection between Gohan's essay and Yamucha into the story was just... unbelievable. So artfully done, it was subtle, tasteful, perfect. And Yamucha is such an underplayed character, too, I love what you've done with him. So often he's just shown as some weak coward who can't do anything anymore, but you got beyond that cliche and really showed Yamucha for his true colours. I loved it.

Normally I'd go through and pick out all my favourite lines, but if I tried to do that I'd just end up quoting the entire fic. ^_^ All in all, you can't criticise this piece. There's nothing TO criticise, and it's just too amazing.

~Mira

Hola Crash,

Glad you enjoyed writing this. It shows.

Ah. I see. So you subscribe to the Euhemerus theory of mythology then? *nods approval* Yea. Me too. Much as I respect the other theories... Authors have likely always used some personal experience in storytelling, thus it seems logical to assume that there is always a basic touch of truth - however obscure - underlying the symbolism and rituals.

Was nice to see Gohan go through a process that, I suspect, many of us do when we´re writing. Gathering not only the paperwork for reference but also gathering his own memories, his own opinions... And then having to limit how much of himself he puts into the work so that the story stands on its own and doesn´t turn into a skewed autobiography.

Yea. We know Gohans life story, more or less, thanks to the series. But there aren´t many moments given to quiet contemplation and reflection. So it´s just nice to see Gohan sorting through things, in a way. Whether or not Gohan makes any money off his fable is almost unimportant. He seems to gain some peace of mind. That´s reward enough.

And yea. Good of you to mention everyone else. Give them all credit for existing and influencing each other. Not only do the bits with Yamucha, ChiChi and Goten tactfully bring some humor to what would have otherwise almost certainly become angst... Their collective presence balances things out. Reminds us that the story isn´t over yet. That Gohan and Yamucha and the rest of them still have chapters ahead of them, so to speak. Very satisying way to end things. Uplifting, even.

A shame that in the official series, they all eventually fall by the wayside - becoming little more than footnotes in Gokus ongoing story. But the offical studios loss is our gain, I suppose. For those of us with open minds - those authors willing to see beyond the glare of the series spotlight - we are free to speculate.

Congrats Crash. You do the characters justice. You write them with respect and remind us that a piece of ourselves is hiding under the fiction. Nice work.

Uhm. That being said.. I saw one typo and a couple of places where you skipped words. Usually I wouldn´t bother to mention one typo. But in this case...

You Wrote: “Ignoring Yamcha’s feigned disappointment, ChiChi turned back to his son.”

You meant HER son, didn´t you? But... Erm. Well. Yea. This is just one of lil mix ups - I´d want someone to tell me if I did it. Cause some of your readers could wander away with the impression that Gohan is Yamuchas kid. Which may or may not be how they relate to each other but... Anyway. Yea. That´s all.

Take care Crash!

~DoraMouse

Good stuff man, good stuff. It all flowed eerily well with what the series told us, and gave Yamcha the rare light he so often deserves, but from the differing perspective of another character.

All things considered, this was quite good. I especially liked the bit towards the end with the baby moose and the Wolf Fang Fist.

And I also got a snicker at Gohan`s comments as he wrote the thing.

Again, good job.

Sh33p out.

You deserved that A. =) I liked your fable, and your associating with your story. I also liked how you brought in Yamcha as a useful person and character. It's a shame Toriyama didn't make more use of him in DBZ.

Hopefully, Gohan won that contest...course you could always write a sequel. ;)

Damn right you got an A! If you hadn't, I would have had to seriously judge this "teacher"'s mental capacity. *grin*

This was a great story, even more so because it held so much in (deceptively) so little. Gohan writing an essay with a barbecue going out front ... it seems so simple, and if you hadn't written as masterfully as you did, it would have remained simple. But as it is, it was wonderful.
Okay.

~*~*~
“Mommie—Mommie—Mommie—Moh—Hwah!” A dull thud followed the string of babble. “…Hey…”

“I told’ja squirt, watch the car, or I’ll toss you over it.”
~*~*~

That was so cute ... I love Goten even when he's 7, so any mental image of him when he's 3 is welcome. Though, with the "...Hey..." bit, I can't help thinking of Lilo (Lilo and Stitch) when Nani turns off her record player near the beginning ...

~*~*~
“You… Are not eating here. So stay out of this.”
~*~*~

*snicker* SURE he isn't...

~*~*~
“Well,” Yamcha weakly defended himself. “It was there, and they’ll eat it. And it’s not you were really on a… Budget…”
~*~*~

In the words of Yamucha, applied to himself: Tricky little bugger ...

~*~*~
Now, whenever he tried to write his submission, all he could think about was vulgar coyotes, long winded roosters, devious spiders, slick talking foxes, hot-roding toads, ‘tar babies,’ communist pigs, and fascist rabbits.~
~*~*~

I got most of that, except for the fascists rabbits and the rooster. Go Toad! (Poop, poop!)And I might add that the Tar Babies traumatized me when I was a child. I don't know why, really, but it scarred me for life. EEsh.

~*~*~
Gohan’s grandfather stopped by frequently to make sure everything was okay. Yamcha had made a habit of periodically popping by ‘giving ChiChi a hand’ with the grocery shopping. And whenever word got out that any of them short on clothes, Bulma would invite ChiChi for some ‘girl time,’ usually at the mall. Piccolo and Krillin would also stop by, with varying frequencies, though.
~*~*~

That is so sweet! And so good of you, as the author, to include them all. I think part of the reason the Z-senshi (and family) are so successful as a unit, is that they work so well together and don't leave the others alone. Well, not much. I like how you picked up on that, and also how each character helped ChiChi without really letting her know what was going on. ChiChi's pretty proud in that respect, and I doubt she would accept charity if any of them tried to give it to her directly.

~*~*~
“…Yeah, but… ChiChi, puberty didn’t exactly go well for me. I don’t think I’d have very much useful to say… Talk to Krillin about this.”

“…Yeah. After he gets back. The honeymoon has been how long, now?”

“See! Exactly. He knows that stuff a lot better than I do…”
~*~*~

Ohh, lordy ... THE talk. How absolutely frightening! I'm so glad I'm not a boy ...

~*~*~
At the time, he had appeared to be a grim, heartless warrior who had every intention of fighting to the death.
~*~*~

And, as Gohan said, to the death, he did. Which is when his character changed. Anyone who labels Yamucha as an outright coward, either doesn't watch the show well enough or doesn't care. Yamucha became aware of his mortality in a way that none of us can ever understand. We can't be killed in battle, then brought back into a fight where we are hopelessly outclassed even before we begin. If any of those Yamucha-bashers were in his place, I doubt they would do any better.

*BEEP BEEP* TANGENT ALERT!

Sorry ...

~*~*~
One day, a young fawn wandered across Yalmar's stream. The fawn

“Tried to eat him out of house and home…”

The fawn was attacked, and driven off the banks. Yet, instead of running further, the fawn paused.

“Because Dad really was that dumb, sometimes.”
~*~*~

Gohan's writing, interspersed with his comments, is priceless. It really makes it seem like the essay is being written right in front of us. It's awesome!

~*~*~
“Euh. Y'know, maybe you ought to find something for that boy to do. Y'know, a hobby or something. Does he like crayons?”

“No, they taste ‘icky.’”
~*~*~

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

~*~*~
“They boldly used vocabulary that no fable had used before.” Gohan chucked to himself. “Excelsior!”
~*~*~

See above!

~*~*~
They were joined by a vagabond squirrel, quick and agile.
~*~*~

Good for Gohan! (And you, by extension. *grin) Squirrel suits Kuririn very well.

~*~*~
They were at one point stalked by a vindictive wolf. But in time, he too came around, after killing the fawn and his long lost brother and kidnapping the fawn's

“Gah.” Gohan scratched out his accidental tirade.
~*~*~

Hah, that amused me. And wolf suits Piccolo well. Good going with all the character/animal associations.

~*~*~
With each addition that was made, the formidability of the travelers increased. Yet at the same time, the importance of each individual member lessened.
~*~*~

That is SUCH a cool observation. It really sums up the spirit of DBZ. Kudos to you!

~*~*~
As the deer grew, it began relying on Yalmar less and less, though neither openly acknowledged it.

“The only way Dad ever used tact. Omission.”
~*~*~

Good point.

~*~*~
Where the others had seen the triumph of the buck, Yalmar had seen only the defeat of himself. The young fawn, whose friendship had once brought him out of his own isolation, was no longer around. The creature whom had once so looked up to Yalmar now could do so much more than Yalmar ever could. For the first time since he left his stream bank all those seasons ago, Yalmar saw himself as what he had become. A small, insignificant rabbit trying to compete with those who would forever best him.
~*~*~

That is so, so sad. Yamucha, Kuririn, Tenshinhan, Chaozu, Master Roshi, Piccolo, Vegeta ... Damn. Crash, you really are something.

~*~*~
None of the companions ever searched for Yalmar, admitting in their own minds that his time had passed.

“Kinda hope we'd be better than that. But for the sake of the fable…”
~*~*~

...Ouch...

~*~*~
“ChiChi, you try to kick me there one more time…”

“Get him, Mom!”
~*~*~

*laugh* What makes it even funnier, is that when these two met in the 1st Dragonball manga, ChiChi tried to zap Yamucha with her helmet beam in the exact same place. Heh!

~*~*~
With an awestruck look in its eyes, he asked Yalmar how he managed to fight back against a creature that so overmatched him.

“Oh, that is it!”

While doing so, he begged Yalmar to teach him to do the same.

“...Wolf! ...Fang! ...Fist!”

And after a long moment, Yalmar smiled.
~*~*~

That was so cool. You touched on everything that lies below the surface in DBZ, Crash, and that's what made this the awesome story it was. I can't find anything to critique, because it was so good I overlooked the occasional typo and don't even remember where they were now.

Magnificent. Utterly magnificent.

~Leia

... *blinks*

Wow. This was awesone. I'm not quite sure why I love it so much... I just do. All the diffrent elements fall together in the kind of way that just... works. Specially loved how Gohan's go off at points, and his comments to himself when he's writing (I do that constantly.. oo) And then there was the little story... it fit true to his/your inspiration. *quiet, sad smile* Specially the comment ehen the rabit was laying there and realized how little he mattered. *sigh* Heh. Nother thing I loved was the Yammy part. People have a tendancy to lable him things he isn't and bash him...

In all... I loved it. ^.^

Cool fic!

Hey Crash!

Wow! I realy liked this story! It's not my usual cup of tea, but I enjoyed your style, writing and portrayal very, very much! Your a very talented writer, and I'm glad to see you got an 'A' on this project!

I've never read a story quite like this one, so you get the creativity award for it! *Hands Crash Creativity Award* I was totally into the idea of a fable, mainly because I love fables, and this one suited very well.

I was laughing and smiling a lot while reading it, especially at how Gohan managed to change everyone's names around to fit his scenario. Like 'Yalmar' and 'The Fawn', lol, I found especially interesting and it lent a real-life twist to the fiction, seeing as how we tend to twist things like that in our own writing.

I loved how things were so casual in this story, such as Goten running around, Gohan doing 'homework', Chichi cooking dinner and Yamcha helping out where necessary. There was no great, big conflict and no dramatic or monotonous emotions to speak of. Usually, I LIVE for those and that's all I read, so when nothing much happened in this story, it was like a breath of a different air. I enjoyed it regardless of the fact it's not in my usual genre and it didn't have any real climactic plot. It was a well-rounded read that kept me interested all the way through. It takes a good author to keep a reader going by words and dialogue alone when your not exactly building to anything. I wish I could write something like that, and maybe I'll try to.

I loved te incorporation of Yamcha into the family. Sure, I'm the biggest Goku/Chichi nut on this site, I'm sure, but I love Yamcha as well and to see him portrayed in such a good, believable and in-character light was a real treat, seeing as so many authors feel the need to bash on him.

Having him and Chichi having closer relations was a good touch as well, as anyone can see they have much more casual and friendly relations in the Buu Saga than they have had at any other point in the anime. So it's only obvious that they grew closer during those years. I don't think it was ever anything romantic, seeing as how faithful and loyal Chichi is, and you covered that here, too, but also left the fact for thought that they might really enjoy each others company more than they seem to. I enjoyed the little things that you developed, but stopped to leave up to the reader's imagination. That's one of my main flaws, because I always over-detail everything. So you have my envy *is envious*

The whole fable followed great with the timeline, and Gohan's little thoughts and comments made me giggle time and again. I loved how you made the story indirectly focus on Yamcha, since he is a character that NEEDS to be focused on.

I alos very much enjoyed the little phases he had between writing and listening to their conversation. It added a very realistic sense to the story, as I often do that myself, so it made it very easy for me to connect with Gohan's character. I could actually see the evening, the messy desk, the lawn chairs they were sitting in, all of that without you ever having to describe one thing. I take that as a sign of good writing... Don't you?

At the end, with the 'Wolf Fang Fist' and Yalmar taking the little moose on was the most perfect ending for this story. I loved it and it suited the purpose of the story and fable impeccably.

And yes, I love Michael W. Smith, but unfortunately don't have his CD handy right now. New computer, eh. But I can see how the fiction could be based around that song loosely, and I really like that. That's a great song, and he's a great singer.

Oh yes, one last note. I absolutely LOVED this line when Yamcha's talking about Goten,

~ “Tricky little bugger,” ~

TEE HEE! That must be Kansas talk because I've never heard those words in order like that. I LOVE IT!

Anyhow, this fiction was a great read! I'll look forward to reading more of your stuff in the future! *high five* Tenshi out! Much love and God bless!

Love,
Tenshi