HEY ITS ME AGAIN TURD MONKEY...I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I STILL THINK YOUR STORIES SUCK MONKEY BALLS...I KNOW IF MY BROTHER AND SISTER READ YOUR STORIES THEY WOULD DIE FROM LAUGHING AT HOW MUCH YOUR STORIES SUCK...BUT ITS OKAY...YOU JUST ARENT GIFTED IN THE ART OF WRITING...

hehe the girls are crazy...anywya another great chapter!

hehe that was funny at the end. this is a great first chapter. you said it was the first one you've written? WEll great job! Anywya keep up the great work!

HAHAHAHA! that was so funny bn! i miss u! ;_;

haha, great story so far blue ninja!

I liked this chapter continue soon

It's good, but you did a few things wrong:
I noticed your punctuation. The spelling is fine, and so is the grammer, but the punctuation needs to be fixed.
Everytime you have someone say something, you always put the comma (,) outside the quotation marks ("). That's wrong. You always want to put the comma (or exclamation point (!), question mark (?) or period (.)) inside the quotation marks. But if you have something besides a comma (!,or?, or.) you don't need the comma. Like this:

"YOUR TEXT GOES HERE?"
"YOUR TEXT GOES HERE!"
"YOUR TEXT GOES HERE."

What you are doing is this:

"YOUR TEXT GOES HERE!",
"YOUR TEXT GOES HERE?",
"YOUR TEXT GOES HERE.",

See the difference? Okay. Oh yeah, one more thing.
Maybe you should put a break once someone else starts talking. Well, I hope you continue soon!^^

It's a good start.

I like it please continue

Konnichiha! I know, I made a few mistakes, but this is my first fanfic EVER! So please be nice when you review, but please give me some tips too.