   TerrierLee
2004-07-30 . chapter 3:rereads fic: Oh dearest to me... You, Miss/Mister, need serious help. :shakes head:
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First off. Mimi and Yamato? O_o;; So... Yamato and Sora's kids never existed? And Yama's still a rock star? Takeru still plays basketball?
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Did you pay ANY attention to the ending of Zero Two? Apparently not. And Hikari became a teacher. :pats author on the head: -_-;
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Wait a minute. O_o She knows the original Chosen, plus the Chosen from Frontier? @-@ Your OC...has Mary-Sue written all over it. Next, the Tamers will pop up like nothing changed, and then Lyly will want to date all the Tamer boys! u-u
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And how is she famous? Because of her parents? If she didn't want to be famous, then she could of changed her last name! So, she's spent the last two years...as a geek, and now, with only a ONE YEAR left of that school, she's gonna dress normally. Can anyone say "Poser"?
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This line...really confuses me..
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"Plus I found out Izumi is my cousin’s cousin! Isn’t that interesting. She is my dad’s cousin’s daughter."
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... Excuse me, but wtf was THAT!?!?! She's who's who's WHAT!? Wai... Izumi is Lyly's cousin's...cousin... Pardon me, but who is Lyly's cousin? O_o;;
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When Izumi showed Lyly her SCANNER (Japanese term), the way Lyly talked after that...made her seem a bit...oh, what's the word..? Oh yes. She seems to be a spoiled brat. ^-^
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After that paragraph, the cousil stuff. Um... >>;; Why does it look like you just repeated the same thing five times over? O_o;
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And just to note, putting Author's Notes in the middle of the story is a TAD bit distracting and unprofessional. No offense at all, just saying..
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If you knew Kouji was being OOC, then why didn't you bother to change it?
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I still think people's reactions would be, "LI3KOMGWTF! Look at those stupid posers!" And I highly doubt the most popular boy in school, "James", would go after the girls.
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Oh! And just to note, James and Lyly are nowhere NEAR Japanese names. Not to mention in Japanese Middle schools, you have to wear uniforms.
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And another thing, no, this is not a flame. I'm sorry if you think it's one, but it isn't. I'm just pointing out what's wrong so you can improve your writing ^-^
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Something else I must say. Just because you claim this is an AU, doesn't mean, that you can make characters go OOC, or put in OCs that have the main spotlight.
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I would say something about Junpei, but right now I'm tired. All I have to say about him, is that he is an adorable character and is perfect to be paired up with Kouichi. ^-^ |
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T. K.