 StrawberryFieldsAcousticDemo 2007-11-18 . chapter 1Hopefully seeing as how you're supposedly a senior this year, you'll be able to take a little friendly critique. This poem, honestly, is not very good.
It lacks meter, you rhymed the simplist of words(glad, mad, sad? Definite lack of sophistication.), and the worst offense is that the poem overall doesnt mean anything. I know you were trying to express your sadness of losing a fictional character, but you cry because of all the lies? What lies? It causes you to fall into a hole that steals your soul? Wht does any of this mean? WHat does it have to do with Sirius? It just feels like you attempted too hard to come up with poetic metaphores, but they don't make sense in your expression.
These are just tips for you to take into consideration. But I think it might help your poetry writing overall. And the word is spelled "mourn" just so your aware. |
 adel-macdonnachiadhe 2003-08-31 . chapter 1this is a good poem, with a great message, it deserves some revision, it could go from good to great.
:)
-adel, punkhobbit@yahoo.com |