|Reviews for Twins vs Twins|
| GiGiFanFic 1/10/06 . chapter 1
Sorry you didn,t like this,but I thought it was as devious as can two tricksters,being out-tricked by James and concept and great plot to go.
| Ravenwood240 12/14/04 . chapter 1
Actually, I'm very glad you did, because you made me realize that I posted the wrong version of this story. This is the pre-beta version.
I'll be correcting it in the next couple of days.
Your comments were dead on, and very much correct. This was one of the first fics I wrote, and it's not my best. I am in College, and it has more of the flavor of a term paper than a story.
As for your line; "I know this review was very nitpicky, and had a lot of criticism. Despite what you've said about how you don't like it, I think it's very entertaining little plot bunny, a great supplement to the story. Thank you for publishing it.", it is that sort of thing that makes a writer's day.
If you wish to do this to all of my work, go ahead. Hearing that you like my work is nice, but hearing how I can make it better is also good.
| Aeli Kindara 12/14/04 . chapter 1
I'm trying a new kind of review here, on a plot bunny (just for experimentation). Can you tell me whether you like it, or am I overanalyzing?
"Before they had a chance to speak to them, they had given their grand opening speech." This sounds a little odd. You might want to say something more along the lines of, "'Before they had a chance to speak to them, the time came to give their grand opening speech." You know what I mean — suggest a little more strongly that they had an obligation to fulfill, which made it so they couldn't speak to James and Rose.
In the second paragraph, you switch back and forth often in the dialogue. I think it's generally conventional to open a new paragraph with every change in the speaker. It makes it a bit easier to follow who's speaking when you're reading quickly.
You might want to slip in "only" before "a limited time." Just sounds a little better.
"'My name is James Evans, and this is Rose.' Was James's opening comment, and Fred and George looked at each other again." I think that, conventionally, this should be, "'My name is James Evans, and this is Rose,' was James's opening comment..." The same thing goes for "'Only distantly.' James said." I think that should be, "'Only distantly,' James said."
(Note: I realize this is really nitpicky, and you probably know all this stuff. Typos are completely understandable. Actually, you're a million times better at little details than most fanfiction authors. Think of yourself as my test subject to see if I would ever make a good English teacher.)
"George looked up from the scroll he was looking at." Using "look" twice in the same sentence is slightly repetitive. Maybe "the scroll he was inspecting"?
Might want to insert a paragraph break between James's remark about "forty percent" and "For the next twenty minutes..."
I love Rose's line, "That it did, but you did not have the Cumulus Co. backing you up." It makes me chortle. My chortle sounds interesting, so I get odd looks. I love it in stories when the author does something like that.
I also love James's explanation of how they knew what contract to make up.
"James and Rose were running behind.." I think "running late" would a work a little better there.
The conclusion could have a little more finality to it, but it's pretty good. This is coming from someone who absolutely HATES writing conclusions. They're just so hard to make sound good!
I know this review was very nitpicky, and had a lot of criticism. Despite what you've said about how you don't like it, I think it's very entertaining little plot bunny, a great supplement to the story. Thank you for publishing it.
Would reviews like this be helpful for "Prophecy" and other more recent fanfictions, or are they just a waste of space? It was sort of fun to go closely through a story, but I won't keep doing this if it's a waste of time. (For "Prophecy"'s longer chapters, I probably wouldn't comment on so many tiny details.)