I think that the dialogue of the characters are a little out of their character. The situation is pretty good, but the characters are a little off. And it kind of jumps around a little bit too much. And Elliot and Dennis are WAY out of character. Sorry, it's okay, but needs a little work.

Umm. The story moves too quickly. Try to add more detail.

Wow honey, that was a fantastic fic! I think you could really go far with it, but if you're leaving it like that it's still good!