   Sztorm
2009-06-07 . chapter 18This is going to be a long one. I know it's been over five years since this was finished, and thus many of these points will be moot, but bear with me. It's not often I get the nagging urge to review, so I try to not ignore it when it strikes. (And, really, who DOESN'T like reviews? I know I never get tired of them.) ;) I liked--and ultimately cared enough about--this fic to write all of this, so please take it as a compliment. :)
I've heard this story hailed as one of, if not THE, best Trigun epics (which is what led me to it in the first place), and while I'd hazard to say it definitely has more of a right to be on the "great fanfic list" than many others do, honestly...the ending chapters, particularly the last, just didn't cut it for me. It kind of left a bad taste in my mouth, and almost ruined the rest of the story for me.
The first little "hitch" I hit (as it may be) was when Knives fell into his catatonic state. The whole "being trapped in his own psyche and needing the support of the love-interest to pull him out of it" strikes me as...a little cliche. Perhaps a bit too Romantic (capital R, mind you). And I almost rolled my eyes when Tessla's ghost showed up to forgive him. But really, it wasn't that bad, and once I pulled myself back from my usual cynical perspective, I could even appreciate the romanticism of it. So it was easy enough to overlook/forgive.
What really got to me was the whole cancer bit and everything after. Using the storm to force them back together (both physically and mentally/emotionally) was great, I loved it, and if the story had been wrapped up after that, I'm sure it would have left a big grin on my face. But as it was, with the radioactive water, then the cancer, then Knives trying to figure out a cure, then the baby...it just seemed like drama for the sake of drama.
And Tessla...ugh, Tessla. That I didn't like her (or more precisely, her being such a deus ex machina plot device) is probably due largely in part to that aforementioned cynicism of mine, but there seems to be this mentality among a lot of fanficcers (and just romance writers in general), that "babies equal TWU WUV," and that "babies fix everything"--in this case, VERY literally. And as far as her character itself, it seems you tried to make her too much of a stereotypical havoc-wreaking cutesy toddler, and instead she just came off as very grating to me. (Vash, as an uncle, however, and his subsequent babysitting mishaps--like swearing when he shouldn't--seems SO in character, and I did find that refreshing, in a way.)
But at the end, you've got miracle-baby Tessla, Meryl with Mary-Sue hair (and presumably some plant powers), and the former genocidal maniac as a doting father and a devoted husband. I'm all for reforming Knives, and, like romanticism, I can appreciate fluff, even if it may not be my usual cup of tea, but this is KNIVES. KNIVES. With the exception of when he was a kid, before he cracked (and even then, probably only in mangaverse, as the anime portrayed him as more of a quiet, serious type), "Knives" and "fluff" should not go together. It might just be a pet peeve, but it irks me when canonically ruthless characters get turned into cuddly bunnies (see: Sephiroth, among many others).
Technical nitpicks: You have a tendency to abuse punctuation, particularly exclamation marks. I also think you use the phrase "cocktail" or "heady cocktail" far too much--it IS a great figurative phrase, but because of that it stands out, and I would limit its use. Also, you're inconsistent with how you show emphasis--sometimes it's with all caps, sometimes italics, sometimes one of each in the same sentence--and it just comes off as a bit amateurish. And yeah, you can argue that it's only fanfic, not professional, blah blah blah, but the fact of the matter is, despite all that above criticism, you really DO have immense talent, and if you put your mind to it, probably COULD write professionally.
And on that note, here are the good, awesome things about this fic:
The beginning chapters. Hell, probably the first two-thirds of the fic. The reason the ending rubs me the wrong way is because the rest of it was SO DAMN GOOD. Particularly the first seven or eight chapters. Characterization (which is often the hardest thing to do successfully in fanfic) was downright PERFECT, I'd hazard to say. Meryl's workaholism and thought process of "my job--risk prevention; Knives--big f*cking risk," her fear (because she knows as well as we do that this is KNIVES, and though he might be a virtual paraplegic, he's still hella dangerous), her stubbornness, compassion, and, when called for, her sarcasm and irateness (the punch in the eye--so great!--and the earlier shotgun and Knives' subsequent reaction to it--a wonderful little bit of much-needed humor at that point). Knives' clear disgust, his manipulation of both Meryl and Vash, his care about his sisters, his anger, and, when his mask slips, the pain underneath everything. Vash and his mood swings, going from manically happy to deadly to a worried ball of tears, his care for Meryl, his well-founded momentary ruthlessness with Knives, the strained relationship between them (one of my favorite interactions and favorite lines was Knives' "Still afraid of me, little brother?" bit)... It was all SO GREAT, and I do find myself rereading those chapters time and again because they ARE so great. Well-paced, wonderful set-up of plot, everything.
You seemed to be a little weaker with Milly's character, but certainly not bad. The whole Milly being a reincarnation of Tessla 1.0 made me go "meh..." but only because I'm not a fan of the reincarnation chestnut unless it's something that's already established in canon. (While Meryl might bear some physical resemblance to Rem and Vash certainly sees Rem IN her, I never took it to mean she was a literal reincarnation of the spirit.) I DID like the hints of VashxMilly, though. It's an intriguing pairing that's not done often enough, in my mind. I particularly loved when she caught him. If I was one for doing fanart (and any good at drawing in an anime-style), I would totally do that image.
Meryl being the girl Knives had a crush on when he was a kid was a very interesting twist, and one very legitimate reason for Knives to start warming up to a human. (I love how so many aspects of Knives' past haunt him. And I imagine I'm overusing the word "love," but whatever. ;P) However, and I think someone mentioned it in a review already, but Meryl being able to manipulate minds (or at least distract them) gave me a pause. Considering the circumstances under which she developed her powers (to keep her spirit from leaving her body), it does really seem that they should be more defensive than offensive. But that's just another little nitpick of mine. Maybe Knives was able to teach her how to use them offensively in the two-year period? A bit more development of that time-gap would have been nice, but it isn't detracting as it is.
On the whole, I really did enjoy this fic, which is ultimately why I put so much effort into this review. Admittedly I liked the first half (or two-thirds, whatever) much more than the rest, but it really IS one of the best multi-chapters I've read (and I don't often like multi-chapters), and most of the praise you received for this is very well-founded, I think--unlike a lot of "great" fics which usually come off as simply overrated to me (that might come off as elitist, but I took a lot of literature and comp. classes in college; close reading and critiques are a little unavoidable for me at this point). Like I said, it's just the end that got to me.
Judging by how this is your latest story, you probably aren't writing anymore (at least not fanfiction), but at any rate, good luck on any future writing you might happen to do! Best wishes, and I hope you didn't mind my long-winded criticism/praise. :)
-Sztorm (concluding the longest review she has EVER written ;P) |
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