You're story is all right, but I think your writing style could use some improvement. You need to get a beta to help you with grammatical and typing errors. You need more description too. Your story seems flat and stale, and there's no good cues there to let the readers know what is going on, what the world looks like, etc.

The main character in this seems awfully calm, and that maybe how he was supposed to be, but in the story he just comes out feeling like a two-dimensional, stereotypical gumshoe. He has no emotions whatsoever. This is not a good thing. He's thoughts are bland, too.

You use active voice, which is good, but the action still isn't there. There's no fire to this story, and the few of your other stories I checked out also seem a bit bleak and under-descriptive. There's nothing special, no good voice to set this story apart from anything else out there.

Some things I noticed right off:
[I was in dire need of the cash the guy dumped right into my bank account, so I took the offer. $800,0 is nothing to sniff at when your rent is due and the fridge is empty.]

Why would the guy put the money in the bank account before the job was accepted? And it seems to me like there would be a lot more emotion about getting that much money if you're that bad off. $800,0 when you can't even afford to buy food is a lot, and this dry tone just doesn't convey that very well at all.

[The gun turned out to be something less deadly but more unsettling: she aimed it over my left eye and threw a switch on it. I thought the suction would yank the eye from the socket, but instead it sucked out a thing like a cross between a worm and a wiretapping device.]

How come this didn't hurt him, like it hurt Neo in the movies? Shouldn't having something sucked out of your eye be painful?

What? I never reviewed this all the way? Well, time to fix that, then...

I simply love how you made this AU story go so well that I could see it happening perfectly. Words fail to describe how amazed I am with this fic. Excellent work! :D

Desert Eagles suck. I'd know. I've fired them pretty often, and once you get to know them, you realize that they lack: consistency,durability

(Drop it and it dents in the wrong area, and you'll be jammed), constantly has to be re-calibrated, and has it's caliber size is PUNY. It's a .38! A .45 colt is a 9mm gun(.45 caliber)

If you're looking for the ultimate pistol that's semi-automatic, look for the beretta model 92 F. (15 bullets a clip, semi-auto, less than 2 pounds, a 9 mm, excellent quality. Amazing that it was made in the 1940's.)

Look for one on google images, and you'll be blown away on how cool they are. I know I was. They're rare, but COOL!! I got to fire one too. My friend's father collects weapons- swords, throwing daggers, you name it. I don't own anything but a BB-gun. LOL.

Anyways, the desert eagles are overrated pieces of junk that get more attention than they deserve.

And, if you like swords, then I'd go for the katana. Yeah, it's over-used, but it deserves its place.

There's a case where a knight of the Queen was sent during Japan's opium unrest (it wasn't a riot, but merchants were being killed)
was sent to protect a merchant.

He was killed two seconds into a confrontation by a single blow. From a katana, through the broadsword, through the helmet, and out the other side. That takes one hell of a good weapon!

Anyways, if not, go for some other Japanese blade-or one that has layers. Having layers makes a great sword. In fact, modern swords that are made, by hand or machine (hand fares slightly better) the best way to test the sword is against a sword from the 1800's! They're still sharp!

Oh, and Mr. Ash's weapon was probably a magnum, not a colt. All colts made during that time were not loaded one bullet at a time, but by a clip. Not to mention the pitch of the gun indicates a magnum too.

While in the animatrix it appeared that it was in the mid 40's, computers weren't around, hackers were people that sawed into things, and the internet was something a fisherman would use!

anyways, that would make him 80 when Neo arrives, so I think the date needs to be changed ^.^

This could be improved: (parenthesis are my own entries)

A drain at the back of the (egg-shaped) pod opened(,and) A tremendous suction force,(much) like a giant vaccuum cleaner sucked me (and the fluid) out of the pod and down some kind of (dark, cold) waste tube.

Anyways, just letting you know how you could improve. Too many people just leave opinions, not reviews.

Good job on the whole though!

A little more detail could have been used. It's still a little rough around the edges in some parts, then amazing, vivid detail on other parts. Fill it in by just going back and adding random pieces of detail, and I guarantee that you'll have a masterpiece.

Yeah, I loved that movie. Do you know how to contact to ask them to make it an independent series?

sonia115l@
-sorry about that forgot i didnt give my full e-mail address well her you go.

whats up matrix refugee.good story listen,i have an idea about ash and why he has that bug of his ,i think the reason why he reads like an agent is becuase he has untaped power that has to be released.basicly he has the powers of an agent except he isnt bound by the rule of the system, so that leafs him with an advantage over an agent much or close to that of neo ,and except he can not copy himself like agent smith. i think this idea could make a realy good story,if you do decide to put this idea into a story please aleast put my name in the credits or contact me at sonia115L@ to trade ideas around for it.

~
Hi,

This is Kraeg001, now known as Quillian. Some idiot got my original account axed, and as a result, all the reviews I left for this story are gone, along with my stories and the reviews that went with them. Gr…

If you’d like me to review all the chapters of this story again, just say so and I’ll do so! (Of course, I might not have reviewed this story at all, but then again, I don’t remember all the stories I’ve reviewed.) In the meantime, please consider this a sort of “votive review.

from a matrix fan point of view... its pretty cool.

would have wanted neo to be part of the action though... maybe in your next installment?

cheers,
gicik

I can't believe I haven't reviewed this again.

This is one of the few fics that been published here lately that I've really liked. Very entertaining. I love your rendering of Zion, and your Ash is believeable.

You manage to keep that "film-noir" feeling that his character that made the short so appealing to me. Great work. Seriously. I hope to see more Matrix fic from you.

Excellent story! Your version of Ash is very interesting, and I like the minor characters and your ideas about the Matrix world. The ending was a bit... forced, though. I doubt that Ash would have been handed over to the Machines. Wouldn't he have just gone to Zion, instead? Anyhow, everything else is fascinating, and I hope that you will read and review mine, too. Heh.

*aplauds*

Fantastic finale! You actually had me going, I thought they were going to stick him back in for good.

Silly me, I forgot that the claiming shows up in Dune! Wow, shows it's been a while.

I eagerly look forward to meeting Blaze in the sequel, so that's one vote for you doing one!

Nice work, MR. Lovely story, though you had me panicking when I thought you'd be sending Ash back! I'd love to read the sequel; I find myself very curious indeed about the sword. ^_^

This was a most excellent ending. It was very well written and quite creative. Something I've never seen before anyway. I do hope you write a sequel to this story!

Superb. I certainly liked how you managed to create an ending that is satisfying, yet leaves room for a continuation down the line.

(P.S.: Check out my Matrix fic)