   A Final Word
2003-10-28 . chapter 1All the things you said… running through my head…
A Final Word…
I have a final word to say, after that extremely mean and rude comment you made about me focusing on all the terrible things around me. That hurt, and that is not true. Anybody that really knows me knows that I’m a very happy, content person. The problem is that I can’t see wrong in people, not that I focus on the horrible things in life. I expected you to be more that you truly were, because at the start, you were a MUCH funnier, nicer, flexibly person. You always made room for me, that is, when I said I was 21. Then I went on to tell you that I was 16, and I have never been treated so wrongly, and low by you, since then. Then I got ill… and I couldn’t hold up the jokes, I needed you to be the fun one now, like I had been for so many months before hand… bit you never came through. It’s like my illness was too much for you to handle.10/28/03 You barely even in the slightest gave me compassion, pity, and a caring heart. The day I came home for the hospital, YOU PUT OFF E-MAILING ME. And it was only then, that I saw that you thought of me as just trash. It crushed my heart to pieces to see that since I had cancer, that I was nothing but dirt to you. That was really jacked…. And that really hurt me, I never forgot it. You were the one always ignoring me, never drawing me pictures, never writing me poems, never dedicating stories to me… and you tell me, I was the worse person. All I ever wanted from you was attention, recognition, love, and compassion, like how I had always shown you. It does hurt to see somebody that you love so dearly, to look at you as just trash when you are down on the ground, dying. I only became so depressed, and mean, because you never showed me these gifts. Why? Because you never had them in the first place, it was all an act. I lied, only because I wanted to be accepted, and protected, but you… you don’t have any reason why you did the things you did to me.
You played me like a puppet on strings. I can only imagine what you did to that poor raven haird princess. It takes two to hold up a great relationship. I always followed through, and made you as happy as I could possibly ever do, but you? All you did was sit around, manipulating me, blaming me, and hurting me. Acting as if that If I left that it would be my loss. You took me for granted. You should see by now that I’m the better one. And it was so hard for you to give me a little compliment and OVER THE NET? You say you are better in person, but uh-uh. You never changed from the day I told you I was 16. You never showed me compassion, gentle hands, sweet love or anything like that, you wanted ME to do all the work, and that was only after you found out I was really 16. When I said I was 21, you treated me like nothing I had ever seen. Like a queen, but I now see that you were only intimidated, and pushed by your own fears into acting so sweet, and lovable. I checked , and all the woman you have on your emailing list, all range from 13-18. Why? Because they are ignorant of the ways of the world, or so you think. You fear older woman, so when you get a older woman, you act all sweet. It never works to act. Your true side will show through, like it did to me in the beginning, after I told you I was 16. So you manipulated those poor young girls, and lead them on like you did me… making me believe that we were living in magic. It isn’t my loss you left, it’s yours, and don’t you DARE go telling me other wise, like you have been.
If you are mad, it’s only because I pinned you on your act, and you know it, that all I said has been, and is true. I wasn’t trying to be mean, I just wanted to show you your true colors, and give you some of your own medicine that you, oh so generously gave me. You are so old, and you still don’t’ know yourself.
Don’t even email me back, get lost. You are in my past, and I feel great to be freed from you, and your manipulative act. I have a life to live, and I do not need you to keep dragging me down. I feel bad it had to end like this, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be so perfect all the time, but y’know, you really , REALLY took me for granted. You’ll never find another girl like me, somebody so forgiving, and compassionate. I went through so many difficult things, that I have compassion on everyone. Usually a person goes through difficult things,and ends up hard, but I managed to stay sweet and loving, unlike you…
I let you blame everything on me, and I ALWAYS gave you another chance, and always forgave you. You flunked all those tests, but still… I gave you another chance. I always forgave you. You did some really jacked up things to me, like when I lied and said I didn’t have cancer, when I actually did, you went off forever on how I was a low down liar, and how I shouldn’t lie about such important things, but I only did so that I could be accepted by you, but it never worked out in the end, and I couldn’t handle the rejection. I was too ill to stand for it, so I tried to leave, but you kept dragging me back, when you know I was unhappy. Remember? This happened countless amount of times. I saw that since I had cancer, that I was no more than trash to you, that’s what you acted like, anyways.
I didn’t ever call you on it, I let you blame it all on me, and y’know the sad thing is… you did. I let you blame everything on me, and I always was so supportive, and excited about everything you were about to do, that was a big deal to YOU.
For instance…
You came over and told me your score on your PT testing. / It was 15 minutes or something for 2 miles you ran. I’d pretend that I’d forget what the score was, so you could brag to me. I ran 16 miles in two hours, and I never told you that, because I wanted you to feel great. Never once did you let me brag, and when I did start to brag about something that meant a lot to me, you always tried to top it, and you always called me a self-centered, egotistical person, whom was stuck on herself.
I may be 16, but I’m a whole lot smarter than you ever let me show you to be. I bet you never even gave it a thought about any of the great things I did for you, taking it all for granted. I always made a big deal about everyone you did, but you never returned that favor. Think back. Remember how I had to beg you to write me a poem, dedicate a story, draw me a picture, and tell me jokes. Never once did you have to beg me. Are things clear now, to why I started acting the way I did? How would you like it if somebody always TRIED to top you in everything, when you KNEW you were better, but you never said so because you wanted them to feel really great? How you’d you like it if you tired you hardest with drawing pictures, writing poems, telling jokes, dedicating stories, and having somebody never return the favor for a period of 7 months? And you had to beg your head off for EVERYTHING, if you wanted something from them, and they always gave you the answer no? How would you like it if somebody blamed everything on you and you let them, when you KNEW it was their fault? Huh? Or have somebody complaining constantly about how everything you did wasn’t good enough, when you were afflicted with cancer? How would you like to get very ill with cancer, and then have somebody treat you like trash after you came back from surgery? And get mad at you for not being perfect?
I was a ton nicer then you gave me credit for. I did much more for you, then you ever gave me credit for. Why? Because I THOUGHT I loved you, and you loved me. Now I see I was a fool.
It’s okay, we are all humans. I forgive you for everything you’ve done. Why? Because I love you, isn’t that amazing? To have somebody treat you so wrong, and still come back to him or her with a forgiving, loving heart?
But form now on. Stay away form me. The whole point of the last letter you sent me was to hurt me. I do NOT need that right now, so stop it. If you hate me so much, like you lead on, and implied, like you did, then leave me alone.
I have enough people lying to me, taking me for granted, topping me in everything, blaming me for everything, manipulating me, and hurting me, and I do NOT need it from you too.
My only weakness I had against you was my love for you, and you used that against me constantly, to the max. When I said I was 21, I never had to beg for you to do anything. Tell me, is that not really sad to hear about yourself? If I found out you were really 18 or something, and honestly, I thought you were, I’d forgive you, and hold nothing against’ you.
So straighten up your act, and open your eyes. Stop stepping all over me, and telling me I suck, I have enough insecure, jealous people doing that too me, and it’s really wearing me to have one extra person do it to me, Alan. So stop. Look at the beam in your eye, before you worry about the ray in mine. And STOP acting like the victim in life. It’s getting so annoying. Grow up. You’re 23 going onto 16. Holy cow and a half. Just because I’m 16, doesn’t’ mean you have to act that age too.
Do you get me now? Huh? I gave you everything, and never once did you return the favor. I really hope everybody can read this, before you hurt and manipulate some other poor unfortunate soul, like you did me.
I’d love to go off on tons more things that you’ve done to me, but unfortunately, I don’t’ have the time to waste, even thought *I’ve wasted hours, and hours on you, and you’re probably in enough shock, right now, seeing how I really make things a whole lot clearer, nor do I want to humiliate you any more then I already have.
Yes, humiliate.
I’d be humiliated if I were you. You were a lying jerk, who never shut up, a whine baby, who couldn’t handle me getting ill, and I still managed to have love, and compassion towards you, through all this. You never could grow up, you always had to top me, you were never manly enough for anything. COULDN’T even give me a simple compliment, to brighten my day, like I had always given you, no questions asked. Couldn’t dedicate a story, ashamed of our love, couldn’t write poems, tried to draw, spending 8 HOURS on one picture… what a waste of time. Alan. Grow up. Geese, you called me a whine baby, because I had cancer. Doesn’t that sound a little jacked to you? So leave me alone.
But I do however, honor you in one thing, and one thing only, only because you don’t have anything else to be honored in. I honer you for fighting for my country, even though you hate the military, and always complained about the conditions, and hours you worked, I still however, honor you. I honor every man who is fighting for our freedom. Thanks Alan. I’d do it myself, but unfortunately, I have a rather large family I have to help take care of, and I’m ill physically… I’ve always been strong mentally, spiritually, … but not emotionally… I loved you, and you used that against me. You lead me on so bad, that I was baffled at every turn you pushed me through.
Isn’t it amazing that though all the mean, jerky things you’ve done to me and blamed me for, that I still have a compassionate, loving, forgiving heart towards you?
Don’t even try to win me back. I’m tired of your games, complaints, laziness, insults, and lack of insight, and decrement. Grow up, and stop whining about everything. It’s annoying. You’re like a big baby, that can’t handle anything.
I still remember what you said to me…
“Maybe if I met you in person, maybe you’ll become beautiful in my eyes…”
That hurt so badly, to hear that come from somebody I loved so dearly. I already was beautiful, but you were WAY to blind to see it, and to busy in life calling me on all the wrong things I did, to take notice.
I wish you the best in life, thanks for fighting for me, and have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
I need to run, I have a concert to attend too. I need to beautiful myself, and I’ve already wasted enough time on you…
Bye.
>Jewel |
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