good thing i read reviews first before digging in to someone's fic... distorted dialogue formats piss me off the most... well, just trying to say that you just have to change your ways... i'm sure that once you try, you will improve, realize things and create more creative stuff.. hehe, i may not be in the position to say that, i'm not a writer myself... JUST A LAZY FANFIC READER. hehe... ganbatte!

Okay, I know I've said that I don't like flamers... BUT THIS IS TERRIBLE! My brain throbs at your inability to use proper words and grammar. What kind of writer just uses k instead of ok or okay? And you don't even use inverted commas when your OC speaks. Look, I suggest that you take back this story and edit it thoroughly. This is just an atrocious excuse of a Mary Sue wannabe. If you don't understand what Mary Sue means,

A "Mary Sue" is a term used to describe a female OC that is beautiful, perfect, always gets her way, and *somehow*, defying all logic, ends up with one or more of the more prominent characters of a series. It's male counterpart is called "Gary Stu". A Mary Sue is generally accepted to be the product of an author's delusional fantasies, and readers generally get the feeling that the author is trying to portray herself as her OC because she's that obsessed with the character. Some characteristic features of a Mary Sue: she is multi-talented, impossibly beautiful, if you're talking about Slam Dunk, then she's probably a basketball ace or an ex-basketball player, she almost always has a tragic past, she stands out from the regular female, is loud, makes her presence felt wherever she goes, and in short, is the epitome of perfection. The impression a reader typically gets while reading a Mary Sue fic is that every action and dialogue of the Mary Sue is calculated to attract attention, and usually the Mary Sue is oblivious to the attention she gets, and the reader also believes that the author is desperate for attention. You'll find that people who like Mary Sue stories are either Mary Sue authors themselves or not authors at all: In other words they share the same fantasies as the Mary Sue writers."

(This is what Kaiser told me about my Mary Sue and now I completely agree with him) Thanks for clearing my head Kaiser! )

...

And do you know what truly disgusts me is the fact that you are extremely lazy! (I wholeheartedly agree with Hisashi Loves Yelen)

What kind of reader would want to read something that is only words and no action. (You know what I mean). You don't even bother to write out your character's names.

I think I have a slight idea why you have those godforsaken symbols. It's because your computer just can't use " or '

Maybe because you're using a different kind of document manager which turns " and ' into ¡ and and ¡

...

Let me give you an example of what you wrote:

¡Dad! I¡m going to go to my new school now k?¡ yelled Rei Kamikaze, checking her reflection in the mirror once more.

¡Sure honey!¡ her dad yelled back. Sighing Rei thought: it¡s going to be a long day.

Here's a slightly better version:

"Dad! I'm going to school now, okay?" Rei Kamikaze yelled from her bedroom as she studied herself in her full length mirror. In response to her words, her father yelled back from the dining room.

Heaving a long sigh, Rei began to think to herself,

'Today's gonna be a long day...'

...

And that's how you make a better story.

Obviously I'm a hypocrite because I too have written a plotless Mary Sue before. But my story is no way near as bad as this piece of crap you call a story. Seriously, the script format is one of the most annoying formats in story writing history.

And no, I wasn't reading your fic all the way up to Chapter 10, if that's what you were thinking, and peeing your pants in ecstasy over - it was simply by mistake that I reviewed that Chapter.

In my previous review, I didn’t really say everything I’d have liked to say. So I’ll have another shot now. It’s long overdue, I know, but in case you were thinking of continuing this fic (as you call it) from the point at which you left of, I’d strongly advise you against doing so. No, not because I give a sh*t about you or this fic and want to save it from the depredation in the form of flames that it’s more than likely to incur when you update it, but because, unlike some people with single-digit IQs (in which category you and your OCs fall), I actually care about humanity and wouldn’t want it to incur something as hideous as this in the future. I’m guessing that the time at which you write invariably coincides with the time at which you are inebriated (you know—from being the polar opposite of abstemious), because sh*t as bad as this could only come from someone who’s drunk. If that isn’t the case, then I’ve seen millipedes with more intelligence than you. Or let’s consider the third possibility: that you are, like all the other Mary Sue writers out there, an incorrigible attention-wh0re, and you like the attention all these flamers are giving you, because it’s the only way you can get any attention in your miserable life (assuming you have one). I suppose you’re thinking, Something is better than nothing. Setting aside the fact that yours is among the worse kinds of Mary Sue stories (which is pretty hard to do, considering how obtrusive your Mary Sues are), your writing style is flippant to the point of making you appear dispassionate (of course, one requires a certain amount of intelligence for being dispassionate, which you obviously lack) about writing. Not only that, but these gosh-awfully ugly symbols of yours (which I’m assuming are the result of a miserable attempt at making your story appear all bright and colorful and what not) are just ticking me off. Your story is composed singularly of dialogues (which suck, as well), indicating that you have little or no skill in writing. (Why am I stating the obvious?)

I haven’t read the rest of your story (as you call it), and I don’t plan on doing it either, because I want to preserve my sanity and intelligence. As regards the people who’ve flamed this story (and it’s fun to read how many aspects of your story they criticize), I couldn’t agree more with them. This fic should be given an award for having amassed the most number of flames of any story in the Slam Dunk category. In fact, there are few people who have NOT flamed this sh*t. Those who have are almost invariably anonymous, and it doesn’t take a Sherlock Holmes to extrapolate from that that you reviewed this yourself. Don’t worry: it’s a common trait among Mary Sue writers. I think there’s just one registered user who’s reviewed this sh*t positively, and all I have to say to them is that prompt psychiatric treatment for them is a desideratum.

If there’s one reason why anybody should want a fic like this to remain undeleted, it’s that amateur writers can use it as a reference to find out exactly how they should NOT write, since this fic encompasses practically everything a writer SHOULD’T do. But of course, you’d have made it like that inadvertently, since even the stuff that emerges from a donkey’s behind has a higher IQ than you.

How horrid. I simply can't go any further. The reviewer below me (Isabees) is absolutely right.

An OC inevitably evolves into a Mary Sue, if it hasn't already started off as one, that is.

MistressKC, how true!

Hisashi Loves Yelen, I couldn't agree more.

Do you know what I like about stories like these? I like reading the reviews they get. They're entertaining. Whenever Strider, ivyblue or Bet You Love That criticize, it's always worthwhile to steal a moment or two of personal pleasure by reading them. Their reviews actually summarize a story, and believe it or not, if they say the story's not worth reading, I read 'em. And then I criticize.

I read Hisashi Loves Yelen's review because obviously I don't have the time or patience to put myself through the torture of reading your entire story. Your girlies beat the Lakers? Dream on bitch! Next thing you'll know they'd become like Maria in BYLT's first story, but Maria is a parody, while yours is not.

Another thing I would like to tell you is that it's akin to SMS-language if you write numbers in their numeric form as opposed to their alphabetical form. I doubt you'd have understood this. You're supposed to say 'FIFTEEN' instead of '15'. You're supposed to say 'ONE' instead of '1'. I'm assuming your spelling capabilities have not reached that high a level yet to facilitate spelling of monosyllabic words such as 'one', 'two' etc. You'll get the hang of it someday.

Set aside all those trivialities for now. What irked me the most was how you were obtruding yourself into this story. Your OC is your dream-version of you right? Reading about the OC you were probably expecting people to go: "Wow, how talented!"

But on the contrary, people went: "Eugh! How abhorrently talented! I'll bet the author's getting delusional again! Eff her!" And among such people I am one.

So do everyone a favor and never write again.

Oh God. They ARE Mary-Sues.

:

For God's sake, DELETE THE STORY.

My eyes are BURNING, man.

It's not that I'm being sexist or anything, but you can't deny the fact that men are stronger than women because of their size. ESPECIALLY IN BASKETBALL.

Maybe you can twist it around by saying that girls are faster than boys, or something.

But saying that 2 stupid, preppy girls almost beat Mitsui and Rukawa is REALLY, REALLY ridiculous.

Ludicrous, I tell you!

UGH. I hate your story.

Really, I do.

And I'm sure I'm not the only one who does.

First error.

Haruko's friend is named FUJI, and not FUMI. UGH. Get it right, will ya?

And... I'm having this really really fishy feeling that your characters are Mary-Sues. Oh well. It's only the second chapter. Let's see...

Will love blossom or will there be war?

Obviously, LOVE walked out of the door and took the first flight to Timbaktu. As for war, I'll let your lovely reviewers decided that.

If you don’t like my stories, please by all means, don’t read it!

Gawd, then why you post it in the firs place. By posting it, you meant for EVERYBODY to see and read your godforsaken fic.

Now please excuse me for my ranting.

Excuse you, heck if you haven't noticed the only reason people are killing you with their reviews is because of your PERFECT, MAGNIFICENT AND BEAUTIFUL MARY SUE characters.

Please read the main page for any updates on rules etc. - by yours truly.

You are NOT ALLOWED to create author's notes by chapters. You must either put them before or after your story. Geeze!

No Review, No Story!

Well, you're already loaded with reviews, so where the heck is the story?

Because I want you to know I care about writers I just HAVE to say that this story is REALLY bad. No plot whatsoever, extreme MArysues, bad grammar and spelling and hello? you can't really blame for every single formatting problem you get. Check it - maybe you're uploading chapters in poetry form. And please - just because your characters are Americans doesn't mean that Japanese people are stupid.

I mean - you made it seem like Japanese people don't know chocolate. I'm not trying to be racist but if you want to write a story that is set in a different country and setting then research a bit about their culture.

How can those girls even beat the LAkers?

the characters are also very OOC - 'ooh look there's a hot girl blah blah blah blah blah'

and the stuff you put encourages stereotypes and racism. BAsically all your Mary-sues is saying is, 'hey! I'm American and I'm SO MUCH better than these JApanese players!'

and your characters are way to damn perfect that the readers are starting to wish they can butcher them so that peace will return once again to the Slam DUnk nation.

Hope I'm not being too harsh.

When I was a beginner even I tried to check my grammar. My OCs before bordered Mary Sue-dom so I deleted the story. Now I'm revising it for the better - be happy people even wanted to comment on your story, I had to figure out on my own how my story reeked.

ANd I'm kindly telling you that this story reeks.

Listen to Hisashi Loves Yelen.

If writing really isn't your thing maybe you can be better in other stuff. Writing is an important craft that lets an artist express themselves. Had you posted this on fictionpress I shudder to think what those writers up there would say. *Shudders* if you really cared for this piece then you WOULD revise them by hand.

thanks for the ego denting because too much ego makes the world a harsher place. hope you learned something from this harsh expirience. Hey... maybe if you aren't a good writer you can a really awesome... something else. Maybe you're good in arts, music, sports or something else like so?

hope I wasn't too harsh. You are welcome to flame me back but if you want to do so read my writings first and my author notes. I hope you suceed in something even if it isn't writing.

well i don't care what others say but i kinda liked the fanfic...oh and can i ask something what's a mary sue?

oh and you need to work on your grammar!

hey its not your fault people reveiwed flames...anyways you warned them! so its not ur fault !

RE: - the first person who reviewed "this isn't a fanfic this is a fansucks" (that didn't even rhyme seriously! when you say something like that! your asking for it buddy...the person who said the line above doesn't even know how to come up with great comebacks. so how can you say that this persons fanfic sucks when you don't even make good fanfics!)

You wrote: "(OK I don't want to discribe the game, you know what Sendoh and everyone plays like right? Use your imagination if you must.)"

Pray tell, then: what the hell is the point of writing a Slam Dunk fanfiction if you're too lazy to describe even the basketball scenes? Which are, may I remind you, essentially the basis upon which Slam Dunk is constructed?

I wasn't even going to bother with a review, but the minute I saw that, I just had to say something. I didn't read your (lousy excuse for a) fic past the first "chapter", but from my sporadic scannings of your work, it's quite apparent that you're an extremely, disgustingly lazy amateur writer who doesn't seem to be ashamed of it. For crying out loud, how can you conceivably admit in the middle of your very own fic that you don't want to describe a scene? That is just pathetic.

Which leads me to my next point. What's with your distracting A/Ns popping up all over the place? The funny thing is, most of them do nothing but inform your readers that you're too lazy to do proper descriptions.

To be honest, I've never seen a fic like this one before. I've read pretty bad ones, but yours is just...abysmal. There's no other word to describe it. Here's some sincere words of advice: Give it up. You can't write (which I think you're already aware of, since you're not even bothered to describe the basketball match - pathetic, I say again) and there's no use in continuing to try; all you'd succeed in doing is collecting more negative reviews like this one.

I don't usually say this in my reviews, but you disgust me so much with your indifference towards a craft as sacred as writing and your sacrilegious attitude towards it that I just HAVE to say something. This is the worst piece of garbage I've read in this site. Congratulations on winning that title.

How will readers know they won't like it unless they read it? Only if you had a HUGE warning on your summary that may go along the lines of, [MARY SUE ALERT] then maybe readers won't be bothered with reading this and reviewing. It'll save everyone a lot of time.

Reviewers have said mostly what I was going to say. So I'll spare you and I the agony of you reading it again and me writing it and get straight to the point of this review.

If you can't take the criticism, don't write. It's really that simple. Praise is good. But when you can't take constructive criticism, the review that counts the most because it helps your writing, then you shouldn't be writing at all. Buttering up is bad for writing. Just like what excess butter will do to the body, it will also do to your writing.

Hey, would you care to use THIS " and THIS " PLEASE!

PLEASE!

ONEGAI!

I want to say that I like the plot, but you need to adjust the way you type a fic.

For the betterment of reading it, so you'll have MORE reviews.

I hope you understand... Arigatou

dude... finish the story i'm getting suspense chills here please finish it... oh and i'm not much of a rukawa fan but dude FINISH IT...

cool... it's just that you should type the normal way, you get my drift? it's sometimes hard to read with all the symbols squeezed in the words

well, that's all email me if you have any violent reaction . gud luck then if you are planning to write more fanfics ja!