I know this was written a while ago, but when I opened the page and read the first few lines I wanted to read it to the end. :D
I love this sort of stuff - the broken sentences and short descriptions. I've written something a little similar (not fanfiction) so I was able to follow well.

I don't see a problem with the grammar here; if there were mistakes, then they didn't interrupt the flow of the writing. Good job! :)
You managed to keep tension and my attention. Awesome. ;P
I really liked the line: " ~ "You're pathetic. Worthless. Nothing." Words with bite. Flesh hits flesh one more time. Hit the floor one more time. Feel the pain one more time. ~ "
I worship repetition in writing. I find it effective.

Thanks for sharing this fic and please keep writing! ;D

~Miss.Yamapi.Kara

JOEY! NO
*Breath*O!
My heart...JOEY! NO
*Gets hit round the head*
Didgimagic: I get the picture, you like my story and you're sad that Joey died. Sheesh!

i thought the climax was very great its just so sad what happens to jou at the end if only it didnt have to happen *sobs* i really like ur work keep it up

Angsty flow, I like how you wrote it. I don't know how I'd describe it, but it's enchanting. Nicely written. I don't think I would've guessed it was Jou. I like your other fic more, but reviews show this is more popular. *shrugs* See ya around. ^_~

*br*.. i'm chilled

MEANIE! you killed him...LOVE IT evilness! MWUAHH!

-stares at screan from a while shock- jou..DEAD!!-cries- no!
night- you made her cry -_-;
T-T dead
-mumbles-
nught-translates- good story but very sad bye

Muahahahahah! Joey died! ^_^ Please, don't get me wrong, but I can't help it and I have to agree with Seto sometimes, he's such a mutt, they both are :o)
In first I thought that it was about Ryou (you know, me, obsessed by Ryou ^.^) and I didn't really get what it was all about, but it was pretty good anyway ^_^

Wow! *sit staring at screen for a moment, slightly dazed, before her lip starts to tremble and she bursts out crying* ;_; That was so sad and angsty! The style in which you wrote made the story very visual (meaning it brought strong mental images and/or was empathic). I enjoyed it, even if it didn't exactly made me happy. ;_;

WOWE!
THIS WAS WONDERFUL!
I am a big fan of suicide fics, and a huge fan of Jou-centric fics, and this is the BEST ONE EVER.
Keep writting!

Adrienne: I dun think there ARE any Jounouchi haters...
Krystal: JOEY!! NOO!!
Adrienne: Krystal, chill out. It's just a fic. But still... poor Jou. Second Jou angst fic I've read. Boy, this stuff is good.
Jounouchi: Oh, I get it. Yugi's the victim too much so now I have to be the victim, huh?
Adrienne: Yeah, that's pretty much it.
Jounouchi: -_-U
Adrienne: Hey, I'm thinking of writing more Jou-angst/torture. Don't make me make it HORRIBLE... then again, I'll do that no matter what. Angsty, ANGSTY Jou-fic... I loved it!

Your not a terrible writer! That was sad, but lots of people do stuff like that, it's okay!^_^ It was sad, but your a good writer!