   Slade13
2004-11-05 . chapter 2ah, this one i read a long lime ago... i think you should continue this one, it'd be nice to know how ranma deals with setsuna, and how much of setsuna's sanity will servive.
till next... |
 Really Bad Fanfiction
2004-01-08 . chapter 1Hm... again, a Ranma/SM fic with absolutely no innovation. This is not by any means a new idea. Note that this is not necessarily a bad thing, at least not in essence, that depends on how you treat it. Let's see some of your mistakes so far.
"We see a woman floating in purple mist there are only two things in that place mist and the woman, she seemed to be really upset about something and began to generate an aura of pure hatred and a wormhole began to take shape it wasn't too big but not too small and then it disappeared."
And then I want a puppy and a doll and a Barbie and a cake and a kitty and a fish and a a-bomb and a chainsaw and a... you see what I mean? Run-on sentences are evil, and you make almost no use of punctuation. The period should be your friend, and the comma your lover.
"Setsuna woke up with a major headache, normally she was ready for any headache because the time gates tend to warn about every change in the history, but this was a special pain she only felt this pain once in all her life, four hundred years ago when a chaos nexus appeared, she was a nice person but she was a threat to Crystal Tokyo so sailor Pluto needed to eliminate her.
Kyoko was a priestess, she was a powerful one but she began to attract some kind of problems like demons, and powerful beings began to chase her, so she always was in trouble."
The problem here is that your transition is too abrupt. At one point you're talking about Setsuna, and the next about someone named Kyoko who is actually only a flashback. You have to make the transition less harsh.
"but Sailor Pluto having the advantage of more magical power she got free of the ward and began one of her forbidden attacks one that was banned by herself because if it is misused could change the flow of time, mixing past, present and future and could result in the destruction of the dream of Crystal Tokyo and cause a major disaster, short of destroy the planet but still a big disaster, but she didn't care she only needed to destroy the target."
First of all, even though this is a new paragraph, you don't capitalize.
Second, not only is the sentence overlong, but it rambles far too much. You start talking about Sailor Pluto, mention the ward, and mention a forbidden attack. Then you start talking about WHAT the forbidden attack is. Then you start talking about Crystal Tokyo and rant about "disasters, short of destroy the planet but still a big disaster".
Too many confused ideas for one paragraph.
In any case, your story is full of very overused clichés and is additionally badly written as far as grammar, punctuation and structure. I give it a... 3. Try to do better next time.
Ja ne,
Max Krugman |
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