After reading your fanfiction, I do have to say that you don’t have a good grasp of basic literacy, let alone FFIX canon. There’s just so much wrong with this story, and your subsequent ones, that I’m beginning to suspect that you really are a fan of the game yourself, and that this fic is a wet-dream come true, not to mention ignoring several canon facts and real-world logic to make this Gary Stu the HOMG COOLEST CHARACTER EVAR!11

So far, a start – Freya Crescent comes off as more dignified, smart and witty than you make her out to be. She’s not going to stoop to your character’s level if he’s going around insulting her gender, especially not to some rude and arrogant half-caste who she has no interest in socializing with.

Fratley does not have a brother, as far as the game is concerned, and even if he did, he would not be named FRATO – Not only does it scream “lack of creativity”, it sounds more like a brand of potato chips than anything. Not to mention that he has no chance of becoming a legendary dragoon like his “brother” – talent and skill differ from people to people.

“Frato” would have serious trouble fitting in with everyone else, not because of his attitude and ego, but also because of his mutant heritage – I have yet to see any mention of discrimination against him for being half-bred. Additionally, why would he be a human/burmecian hybrid, anyway? Burmecians are HUMANOID RATS, so making him half-human too would be rather pointless.

And finally, Burmecia’s forces are not all exclusively dragon knights. There are only two featured in the game, and we both know exactly who they are. How were you planning to explain Frato’s absence from FFIX, anyway? Or were you planning to pretend that he is in the game, as your subsequent stories explain?

Not only that, but Frato lacks the flair of a protagonist – there’s absolutely nothing memorable or good about him. He’s just a really poor Freya ripoff wearing the personality of other “infamous” Stus on his sleeve, like Wolverine and Vegeta, to name a few. There’s nothing appealing about Frato whatsoever – he’s too boring and full of generic Stu clichés to read about. If anything, he makes for a better villain than a hero (for example, when he KO’ed another character, he blew the help whistle and ran for it, so people wouldn’t suspect him, instead of staying behind to make sure he wasn’t dead or anything.)

Your minor characters are also badly characterized – and yes, that includes canon characters, too. I’m not happy that you dumbed down Freya badly enough just to make Frato look superior in comparison. Doing this only proves that you honestly don’t care about canon at all, and that you just want to fantasize about YOU being the hero and legendary dragon knight that both Freya and Fratley are, combined into one. Keep your bedtime fantasies to yourself; don’t try to put it here on the internet where everyone can see.

Hey Rob, finaly got around to finishing 'Chonicles'. It wasn't bad overall, and my only real complaints are that the female equivalent of 'Sir' isn't 'Lady', rather it's 'Dame', but I don't expect many people to know that; and that the Burmecian military was a little under developed.

As it is in your story a Burmecian soldier and a Dragon Knight seem to be one and the same despite the Dragon Knight's elite status. I guess I just thought it was a little odd that you'd have a seeming majority of elite status personel.

hm... i really starting to get hooked...

very nice..

better than harry potter...

Brimg back frato

very good... No changes need...

Nice detail on the battle scenes although from what I've read in War on Burmecia your fight scenes haven't really improved all that much. I implore you to check out chapter seven(Firion Vs Sheen) and the chapters which follow of my fic. I'd describe my battles as being pretty detailed, It'd be pleasing if my work helped you to improve yours. -Dazz-

Most of the flaws in this chapter are fairly minor - things like awkward phrasing, the part where you say Freya "leers" at Frato (leering, according to the dictionary, is "an unpleasantly lustful or malicious look or smile"; it is almost always the former. Is Freya supposed to think Frato is hot?), overly short descriptions, etc.

In short, the same general problems that plague your other early unrevised chapters.

However, there is one more thing that bothers me: 13 year old soldiers. Nuh-uh. Though this is a fantasy story, there are some things that should be somewhat realistic, and the idea of a 13 year old being enlisted in an army isn't. 16 would be quite young, but considerably more believable. Or say that this would qualify them to be squires or something; expected thirteen year olds to kill an ironite and join a full-up regular army is a little much, even for a fantasy story, in my opinion.

This review covers chapters five through ten of your story, Rob.

I couldn't quite understand the sequence of events involving the target training in "Second Lesson". The difference between striking a target on center and dead-center seems vague as you describe it, and the part where Freya's spear is described as hitting "on the line between the centre of the target and the inner ring" really had me scratching my head.

The sequence also seems to be redundant. It inhibits the flow of the chapter, and I wouldn't be surprised if more than one reader had to go over the passage several times to understand it.

"First Date" rolls along without encountering any bumps, but I might just be biased towards romantic episodes featuring Freya and Fratley. It's fun to see how those two characters talk and act as younger Burmecians. I hope you can show how they change and grow as time goes on.

"Assault" was a surprise. I really expected Frato to explode into violence and destroy the brigands he met in the alley. I'm not sure what the intended purpose of this passage was, however. If you wanted to show vulnerability in Frato and evoke some compassion for him from the reader, you've done a fair job. If you wanted to show that other Burmecians can care for him even though he is not like them, you've done a better job.

The one part of "The Test" that really stands out in my mind is where LHF describes the system which delineates the areas of the cave that the students must remain in. He says, “You will have to give us a few moments as we place lamps in the area of the cave you are allowed in. If there is no light where you are, turn back.” Details such as that are what make a story seem real.

"The First Battles" seems to have quite a few typographical errors in it. I know that those slip by even the best of proofreaders, but they can inflict fatal wounds on an action sequence. I like how you try to show the parallel events unfolding for each character, though.

I'll review more just as soon as I have time! If I've said anything that seems weird or even stupid, it's because I'm still awake at 04:22.

Your story rolls right into an intriguing start with the creation and abandonment of Frato. I am curious to see if Garland left any sort of "programming" within the child, or if he will return to collect his half-Burmecian creation at a later point in the story. Frato also seems to have a vicious streak within him. People who read your fiction may find it difficult to like Frato because of that trait. It makes Frato more complex and interesting, however, and it could form a good basis for creating tension and conflict in future chapters.

At this point in the story, I can't predict if you'll have Frato develop into a bloodthirsty and violent warrior, or if you'll introduce some influential event that will temper his antagonistic traits. I hope that you keep your readers guessing all the way to the end chapters of your tale!

It's good to see a story try to fill in some details of Freya and Fratley's mutual past. There's a lot of unexplored territory in that time period. It will be fun if you have them developing a crush on each other, with both of them exhibiting all the awkwardness and embarrassment of youths who are totally inexperienced in love.

I hope I can read a few more chapters before my vacation time is up! I'll be reading whenever I'm not writing. I have a lot to catch up on!

Not much to say, here . . . I never did like "major character gets beaten senseless" scenes. But that's just personal preference. Hm, seems you became anxious to move on near the end there . . .

Pretty good, pretty good - romance is an awkward topic (for me, at least). And I also officially like this chapter because just after reading it, I came up with a totally unrelated resolution for a plot problem I was having in one of my own fanfictions. Huzzah!

Heh . . . as I was reading it, I just /knew/ Frato was going to stumble in on them. Good job on the reactions of the affected parties.

My only real critique is, as usual, the occasionally awkward phrase or poor word usage. But then, that's something that will come with time. I almost barf when I read some of my old stuff - but at least it's a sign that I'm still making progress, and you will too. Then again, this kinda /is/ your old stuff . . .

Great second chapter, that Guardian guy was being a bit an ** though wasn't he anyway I'll read the others soon. I hope you've almost done another chappie for Waron Burmecia...

I got to the end... And find out I really DID get to the end.

Well, I think the ending is very odd and sudden, but considering there's going to be a sequel, I shouldn't complain. Puck just didn't seem very Puck in this chapter, if that made sense. For some bizarre reason, he reminded me of a strange version of Freya, with his constant worrying and such (I have strange thoughts). The conversation also seemed very typical and expected, though Fratley's dream was rather interesting (though, what sprouted such a dream? It seems rather random). Your paragraphs have gotten really short again too.

Basically, just take my first review since I got back, add "place some creaviity!", and you have this review. Which means this is a severe waste of a review; oops.

Meanwhile, since I'm stuck in my stupid chair (my thighs hurt when I try to move) and can't go anywhere any time soon, time for shameless advertising: Pacifist's Sword. No Freya, Fratley, or anything like that in it, but it's the only thing I'm updating at the moment. So there you have it.

You have plenty of room to improve and make this story better!

¡Adiós, escriba más, y apreñda! (yeah, again o.O )

Things are rather rushed again. Freya goes from leaving Burmecia to being in Lindblum and asking around in two paragraphs. It left me very confused; you may want to put some type of horizontal rule or something to show that you skipped ahead in time. Zidane is very Zidane, which is obviously a good thing. However, I am stunned that Frato even begins to feel guilt. I thought he would be happy to see Freya heading off, and not care if she gets killed or not. Again, seems OoC of him and doesn't make much sense. Frato seems to jump from wanting to kill everyone to wanting everyone to live; creepy!

I think you should keep the story in one part, not two. It annoys me to see stories that say "Read this first" xP It's your choice, though. I don't think the size of the story intimidates people; Saving Freya got noticed, sort of. Just keep updating and improving in your writing; you should get noticed eventually.