Was this created from a character set for the game? I don't have the time to read this through right this second; it's a very substantial chunk. The one thought I had from the bit I could read is that you might want to somehow delineate telepathic thoughts as different from the rest of the surrounding writing. Can you apply itallics? I think you can do that in the editor; at least, I've never had problems with it before.

I'll probably come back to read it to completion later.