Reviews for Legend of Zelda: Reconciliation

Reviews For: Legend of Zelda: Reconciliation - Reviews: Page 1 of 51

Unclever title 2008-07-20 ch 21,	abuseWARNING this review is LONG! Well I just read through both the Return and Reconciliation AND with "a brief interlude" of Ganondorf and Nabooru in between. I've gotta say of the three Reconciliation is definitely the best. I've long been a fan of A Link to the Past, probably since I was about four, so a good sixteen years or so. Give or take the appropriate the time for memory mistakes. So Obviously I was drawn to the story from the start. (Truth be told, Reconciliation is the reason I read The Return). I absolutely love the dynamic between the wolf and the pink rabbit in the dark world, and not to mention the dark world itself. In the game (as you no doubt know already) just before you get to the dark world you had just become proud of the fact that you obtained the master sword, could shoot lightning bolts with it at full health, and were pretty much beating the crap out of everything in your way. (Even the soldiers swinging giant morning stars at you weren't nearly as invincible as before. It was satisfying. Of course then your thrown into a world full of monsters who can kill you with relative ease and the master sword is more or less just enough of a boost to let you survive, but with a struggle. Your portrayal of the Dark World as a truly hellish region is absolutely appropriate, and better than I've seen in other (written) re-tellings of the game. The addition of the Makani is brilliant, A nearly broken Link who before seemed unbreakable, was gonna need some help at the start, not to mention its a wonderful obstacle, or rather six wonderful obstacles for him to have to overcome in the long run. By the way I was a bit dubious of your choice in handling Blind, but you quickly won me over with the whole cult situation. In my mind I had a whole lot of thoughts about the nature of light and dark. One thing that bugs me about the ending to Twilight Princess is the talk about light and shadow being two sides of the same coin, as romantic and poetic as that is, it's completely not true. Darkness is nothing more than the absence of light. Light is very much something so darkness is, essentially, nothing. Which is why the smallest candle not only can but will ALWAYS push back even the deepest of darkness. Which brings to mind that darkness should then be less feared than the light. But I'm rambling now... Anyway, I'm loving your writing style more and more as I go along and let me be one, likely of many, to say take all the time you need. I greatly anticipate your next update even if it is merely the completion of this inter-chapter chapter, but I've always held the opinion that the writers of fanfiction, a free to read medium, have no inherent responsibility to their readers to finish or even post the stories to begin with. To be perfectly honest I can't not encourage you to continue in pursuing your own original content, your certainly creative enough for it and as good as many, more than some, of the professionals out there, except you obviously don't have the full time advantage, but hey, not many do. Truth be told though, a writer of anything always has a responsibility to him/her self to finish their stories or at least give them a proper burial if they die before the writer can. The fact that you've stated you're not giving up on this story is enough and I, as likely many others, will wait patiently until your next update, at which point I will be very happy, read a chapter, likely be sad immediately after, and then patiently wait until the next. To be honest the fact that the wait will be long, I see already it's been nearly a year since the last update, no problem. However, I do realize that reviews help to spur authors on so, hence mine, here had been my review. Long and rambly as it was.
Anonymous 2008-07-15 ch 1, anon.	abusei love this story thank you soo much for writing it the only thing that annoys me when i find a good story is that i can never find another one that i enjoy reading as much as the last.. i havent found any zelda stories that even come close to this one so im looking forward to the next chapter this is an amazing story pleasee update soon
Sir Tidus 2008-07-07 ch 21,	abuseYou are not dead are you? I certainly hope not. Please finish the story. It's killing me.
PlAySw/Fire 2008-07-06 ch 21, anon.	abuseSigh. Looks like we're going another year without an update :/ Please come back to us rose :(
Anonymous 2008-07-03 ch 1, anon.	abuseamazing stories.. this one and the first one good zelda stories are hard to find but this is great im looking forward to the next chapter please update soon
ZeBubba 2008-06-30 ch 1,	abuseAw its been so long since you've updated! Dont you dare say your giving up on this work of drop dead amazing fiction! Your like my hero! I just reread "The Return" and it totally inspired me to write again! Which is like completely impossible to do! So heres hoping!
ZeBubba 2008-06-18 ch 21,	abuseHey! Look! Listen! What the hell? its been like a year! I love this story! You cant do this to us! Its against the Geneva Convention! This aint Right I tell ya! update this!
NFITC1 2008-06-11 ch 21,	abuseI first encountered "the return" after seeing a picture of Zelda/Link's first kiss (they are my favorite video game couple) from chapter 21 on DeviantArt. I read the first chapter and it just drew me in. It was SO well written that I started picturing the characters in my mind with startling detail (I tend to think of Hunter looking like Guy from TotA and Neesha looking a little like Arche from the ToP anime with different colored hair and skin [obviously :D] ) and almost to the point where I can hear their voices. That aside, I think this is one of the most extremely well-written fanfics I've ever read. Aside from a few spelling errors that comes from not having a professional editor I'd say this whole story is novel worthy! (goodness knows they're long enough) There's a touch of British-English in the dialog and more than a hint of anime in the humor. While that sounds possibly conflicting, it's really put together well while maintaining the established characters' personalities ('cept Link's since he doesn't have one :) ) including the new characters' in a way that just brings the story to life that may even give "Harry Potter" a run for it's money. One thing I hate about video games (and probably the ONLY thing) is that they eventually end. "Sequel" is one of my favorite words because of this (unless it was a lousy game). So you can imagine my elation when I discovered "the return"! I read it straight through with as few breaks as I could allow. I was VERY sad that it ended, only do discover, with even exponentially MORE elation, that there was a sequel to it! I've LOVED what's happened in "reconciliation". It's making me want to play OoT and LttP again, but I won't until "reconciliation" is finished (yeah, we'll see how long THAT holds ;) )! TO THE AUTHOR: THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! for writing such a wonderful story! Sorry if I sounded a little like Beedle just then, though. :) I'm thrilled that you haven't given up on reconciliation and I will wait, however long it takes, for the next chapter. (It's probably good for me anyway that the next update is taking a while. I've been reading both of your Zelda stories for probably a week straight.) I love the new characters and what you've done with the traditional ones (just don't ruin the story and make Sarasrahla gay please). I can't say enough good things about either story and can't fully express the extent of what I feel when I read them. You have done a superb job with this and I hope it you keep up this level of greatness. :D
Grl4Peace 2008-05-31 ch 21,	abuseThat was really good. I see that you haven't updated in a few months. I hope that you have enough time to update more. I really like this story so far. Good job!! much luv, -grl4peace :D
SpeakerofNaught 2008-05-23 ch 21,	abuseJust so you know, this is my first Zelda fic I've read. I'm more of a Naruto addict, but you have me hooked. Your an incredible author with amazing talent. Hope to see you soon, SpeakerofNaught
WishIWould 2008-05-04 ch 1,	abuseDumb da dum dum dumb, I totally forgot to mention some of my FAVORITE points of your stories! Guh, forgive me, I was up until 7:30 am (why? I have no idea) and might be a little off or loopie. ^^; Okay, okay, this is HUGE: one of the most amazing things about your fics is how you incorporate GAMING elements into the storyline and narrative - and that it DOESN'T get old, boring, or superfluous to the casual/non-gaming reader. Again, this is HUGE. This element is the biggest one brought up in any debate about whether or not Zelda would ever make a good novel or movie - no one knows how to deal with the monstrous problem of how to incorporate temples, dungeons, or other gaming elements. You have done this superbly. Seriously, that's part of what makes these two stories so intriguing to read - it's not just a story about the characters from the game, it's like reading the game and getting that familiar thrill of "I know that part! I know that item! I know that monster!" Very, very well done on that point. Another HUGE thing is what you've done with the cultures - many people have commented on this already, so I won't go more in-depth, but dang, you get a thumbs up. Finally, original characters. Honestly, this point is the one on which I was most leery during The Return - it is very, very difficult to seamlessly integrate your own character into a world to which it technically doesn't belong. Neesha fit in rather well from the beginning, but I recall during The Return that I had quite a bit more of a struggle accepting Hunter. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the term "Mary Sue," but some aspects of Hunter's character and presentation in The Return did feel a little MS-ish. However, I'm happy to say Hunter has completely grown into his role and my heart, and even during the time when his character felt a little shakier (to me, obviously, not in general, because I tend to be skeptical when reading fan-fics), I really did grow to love him. At this point, I DO feel he's a complete and well-rounded character. So, moving forward in somewhat of the same subject, I actually am intending to note what a GOOD job you have done with your OCs. You have a lot, so they can be hard to keep track of, but you've done well with all of them, even the ones with less focus. Specifically, in my mind, I consider Acqul and Ruto to be a practically canon pairing, lol. Not in the literal sense of canon, but that it just fits and feels the most right of anything that I've seen. =) If I think of anything else...I'll shoot another review your way ;) ^_^
WishIWould 2008-05-04 ch 21,	abuseI've loved both stories, particularly Reconciliation, ever since I read them. I was a little harder to sell on Return, but soon enough the story itself convinced me of its worth and awesomeness, and Reconciliation, need I say more? I actually was playing ALttP for the first time right about when I began reading Reconciliation, so it was perfect timing - I knew Kiki before I read about him, but read about Blind before I played him, etc. One thing I have to say about Reconciliation is that you have a nearly perfect sense of adaptation. What to leave out, what to include, and how to implement the details in such a way that gives the gamers familiar with the story a thrill of "oo, I know what that is!" without taking out the thrill of "what happens next?" That. Is. SO. Hard to do. I've seen it attempted many, many times before - not necessarily this particular plot, but adaptations. You're probably the most successful I've seen any author get at it (and I include published authors in this evaluation). Also, you implement the first person POV wonderfully, especially now in Reconciliation. I've read quite a few (even published) stories in first person that felt like "third person with an 'I'" instead of true first. But you get the casual, in-his-head tone and descriptions without disconnecting from the story. You say it all in a way that SOUNDS like Link - but you also know how to disengage from that mode when writing the interludes. Honestly, I do a lot of work (haha, I say work...this is free time and totally by choice) with creative writers in improving their writing. Whether it's grammar, POV, plot, characterizations, how to keep the threads of the story together in an interesting way without boring the reader, how to word things vividly, how to back out of writer's block/frustration, whatever, I do a LOT with a lot of people, in addition to writing my own stories. I actually like to point them to your stories for specific examples on how to carry a strong, powerful narrative. The passage in which Link pulls out the Master Sword is one of my favorites - it's a perfect example of something DISTINCTLY first person, represented in a way that can ONLY be done in first person, yet filled with the imagery and pause that makes it...well...epic win! ;) I know you know not everything is perfect, whether grammar or specific word choice or whatever, but I've also seen that improve immensely throughout your time writing, and I'm sure it's improved even more since you posted the incomplete interlude. I won't go and list every concern, mistake, or spotty patch I may have noticed (though I can't help it, my soul is an editor and I do mental tab them up as I read), but I'm sure you're aware of many things. Lol, actually, for the past few weeks (after over a year of having the thought in the back of my mind) I've considered asking if you wanted a beta, and offering my services. But I'm sure a.) you get that offer a lot, b.) you haven't necessarily got the time to want to add in a beta's input and go over a chapter again after feeling it's complete, and c.) I can probably fulfill the same role over on FSconnect whenever you decide to post snippets, if you don't mind. ^_^ Generically, though, I'd like to say a few things that I've noted over the course of reading - usually the grammatical mistakes anymore are just simple (its v. it's), or perhaps an awkward wording or phrase that feels almost right, but quite not. Every once in a while there is a phrase or way of wording something that a reader has to reread or go, "what?" Sometimes that's what you're aiming for. Much of the time, though, I'm guessing it's not. Nothing huge. But in writing, the goal is to draw the reader into the world you're representing (which you do wonderfully). Something that throws the reader off, even for just a split-second kick, sabotages in part what you're going for. Usually when I point one of these patches out to the writers I work with (actually...almost 100% of the time...), they say "oh yeah, I wondered/I thought you'd point that out." Every author can feel when something's off, even if it's just teeny tiny, lol. That's usually what I find my role is, as a beta - to bring to the author's attention what they already know or feel as they write it. (in some cases, I also help figure out the narrative flow - when which event is written, in what order, from whose eyes, etc - but that basically fits into the same thing: helping the writer figure out what they already know somewhere inside.) I swear, I'm not trying to make this an advertisement for me beta-ing, lol. Just, it's the most basic level at which I operate as a reader, so I use it to relate what I'm saying to what I mean. I'm sure you understand. =3 I know at this time, especially, it's tough to keep it going - you basically have a huge war on five fronts, and many, many important subplots and characters to keep track of, in addition to your main plot with Link. (The balance between those and POV choice is actually one of the main things I work with - I find it's the biggest cause of writer's block/exhaustion EVER, so I really, REALLY do understand where you're at at this point.) All the same, I'm anxious to read more when you get around to it, and I hope that if the fire for this story has gone down a little, perhaps my review might stoke it again. Then again, sometimes all a story needs is a break before you move on. Then, when you come back, things just harmonize and work together in a way they hadn't before. In any case, good luck with all your endeavors, writing and otherwise! and do you mind if I take a peek at and perhaps critique some of your fictionpress writing as well? Thanks! ^.^
Penterghast 2008-05-03 ch 20,	abuseHuh. Y'know, it's very rare I find a fanfiction that I feel is actually very well written. This, and the one before it, fall into that category. You've had me hanging on to every word through this dark trip to find out what's going on, and while it's taking time... it is most certainly a very interesting spin on an old game. I like. I don't have much criticism to offer, having read the two stories together over the course of three days has left my mind a bit of a mess, but I suppose that's what long weekends are for. The only thing that sticks out is the wavering between Gannon and Ganon, of which the latter is correct. However, this last chapter seems to have corrected that. I'm reviewing this instead of the next one because I want to see what happens next, and I figure if you finish the incomplete interlude, you might replace the next chapter, so... yeah. At any rate, I'm definitely looking forward to it, even if it takes another year to come out. Good luck with everything, from writing to... not... writing... stuff. Although I'll admit I'd like it if you managed lots of the former, I know that's not always possible. (Not just fanfiction, but all writing, I think your original stuff might be very interesting, too... I should go check it out.)
harrypocky 2008-04-27 ch 21,	abuseI love the way you write. The details, the plots, how everything falls into place. Thanks for such a great story. I look forward to reading more, if you still do write. :)
Ganheim 2008-04-24 ch 10,	abusePrologue What could possibly happen in one season?” [Words to be rued.] Chapter 1 (I was pretty sure we already had the temples for that, but hey, why not erect hideous, ugly boils on the face of Hyrule and name them after the Goddesses who created Hyrule? What better way to show how much you appreciate their gift?) [Sarcasm is golden.] beside some of the other Gerudo, which is just beautiful. If she was with the Gorons, or the Sheikah they might have helped her retaliate against Hunter and I, but the Zora’s are too miserable in the cold to bother, [I don't get it, you mention that she's with Gerudo, then start talking about Gorons, Sheikah, Zora. How'd those enter the picture? Yes, I know later you state that they're in the convoy, but there's been no indication of this previously.] “I love how senseless violence against sixteen year old girls cheers you up like nothing else can.” [Works for many people – for proof, I point to almost any anime.] whenever he’s got an open target on one or the other of us. [on _either_ of us?] caravan as moved on [_has_ moved on] What could go wrong?” [And here Link jinxes himself.] I cast a paranoid look around. [Repetition: overuse of 'paranoid' in close proximity.] A Brief Interlude It would have taken that long for the snow to accumulate. [In wintertime, snowstorms can deposit significant amounts of snow, and then it would just sit there. Since it's only been described as a foot, that sounds to me like not much.] They wouldn’t have gone to the effort of hiding the bodies then not clean up the mess. [So a goody-goody might think, but it could be at least as likely that they were taken to a better location to torture them for information, and then they could have easily been killed and disposed of.] Chapter 1 [Another chapter 1? Wasn't one of these already crammed up with the Prologue?] Liam says, his tone steel. [his tone _steely_?] but a sharp glare from me [Given all of the glaring he's been doing (and the fact that a glare generally connotes time being put into the gestures), I think 'glance' better fits.] And I won’t hand over the Ocarina, [Given the circumstances, isn't it a bad idea to give them ideas for new things to look for? Link knows that something's afoot, but nothing's been said about the ocarina and you've explicitly told us that the guard isn't looking at the pouch on Link's belt that holds the ocarina.] because Liam is ripping down at me at three hundred miles an hour. [Seems like there's a lot of people 'ripping down at three hundred miles an hour', almost identically worded to when Neesha was running after Link in the snowball fight last chapter. Due to the distance from the last time it's used I'm not calling it repetitious, I'm just pointing out that it's a distinctive phrase and it would be bad to overuse it.] I smirk at Neesha. [Mixing sources in a paragraph...if I wasn't reading carefully, I might have interpreted this as a speech tag indicating that the dialogue to its immediate left belonged to the subject (Link) here. That's why it's generally best to keep each paragraph for one person – person A's dialogue and action, then a new paragraph for person B's dialogue and reaction. Mixing that generally works when Person B is only responding in small actions and the dialogue is all coming from Person A. There's a lot of source mixing in this story, and I'd recommend removing all of them, but I'll only point out the ones that really jumped out and confused the scene.] “She managed to hide it but good,” he replies. “But we’ve got it, [That's a lot of 'buts', and not all of them belong.] “We’re digressing,” Hunter points out. [Simply put, and a good way to jump from exposition to plot progression.] then shakes his head imperceptibly. [or more accurately _almost_ imperceptibly, since Link obviously notices the subtle gesture] I frown at him. [Another point where the source of the paragraph is mixed – bad practice, and again this seems to indicate that the dialogue could be Link's, when it shouldn't be.] A Brief Interlude The darkness shifted and took form, but didn’t disappear. [An interesting way of opening a vision.] and staring at the diaphanous curtains Chapter 3 It’s never done this before though [It's never _been like_ this?] as he slides the wall-that-is-not-a-wall-but-is-in-fact-a-door shut again, [A little long, but funny.] “Well if this is secret and no one knows about it or uses it, why are the torches all lit?” [Smart little Neesha.] Chapter 4 I have to stop her or she’ll start wailing and crying. [Mixing sources in a paragraph – particularly bad when involving dialogue and thought.] You only hit me in the head. [Favourite line in the story so far.] if I’m going to assassinate someone, I’ll do it myself, not send my Gerudo.” [I dunno, that _does_ sound like Link, both the one(s) I know and the one portrayed so far in this arc.] She nods. [Mixing sources in the paragraph. Did I mention that's annoying?] … they can be a terribly useful ally to have. [Sudden departure in number agreement...shouldn't it still be plural?] It’s like … take every single pet peeve I have, roll it all up into a bundle, and you’ll have politics. [So like the truth.] In Gerudo politics I say, “do it” and they say “No.” [Sounds like “The Man Song”. And absolutely hilarious all on its own.] I sage against the wall [sag?] Chapter 4 (cont.) but I’m Gerudo. You’re going to have nothing but granddaughters for the next hundred years or more. [Wasn't that a trait only carried among Gerudo women, and even that not being perfectly 100% (what with the once-in-a-hundred-years male that becomes king)?] “Not quit whining.” [_Now_ quit whining?] I’ve been fighting with two for the last three months and you get used to that real fast. [Dual-wielding is tough to pick up, but this is true – once you grasp it, it is _so_ damn hard to try fighting with something in only one hand.] the X made by our blade I meet his eyes. [Number: blades] is read for him. [Spelling: ready] His (or her if you prefer) crimson eyes crinkle [Though I've heard the argument that Zelda completely and literally transforms when she turns into Shiek, based on all canon evidence I've seen it was only a disguise. Shouldn't he still be referring to Shiek as 'she' since Shiek is really Zelda and Link knows this?] In other, non-story related news, if there is anyone out there who has an online RP (free lance, or play-by-post, or whatever they’re called now) and is frustrated with ads and everything else, KA has informed me that we have a lot of free space in our domain (which is technically her domain) and she’s been experimenting with some forum code and has finally found one she’s happy with. We haven’t really got much to put on it though (except the X-RP of course, which, for the record, is once again looking for players), so she’s offering to host RPs (for free), as long as they’re based on something appropriate for the Feng’s Shui site and they’re well planned out (not just a haphazard, no-account-necessary, posting spree). There’s more details on our homepage () if you’re interested. Chapter 5 your little Sheikah friend’s on his way over here at three hundred miles an hour [There's no middle ground is there? It's either three hundred miles an hour or bust.] and apologizing up and down for happened to Dad, [for _what_ happened] I offer him a grin that’s more of a peace-offering than anything else. [Mixing sources in the paragraph again.] Hunter gives a start. [Another place of source-mixing in paragraphs, again confusing here.] “Well that’s everybody but you, Uncle Bray,” Hunter says, leaning forward to look at Dad. [Since the statement is supposed to be focused on Link instead of Brayden, the punctuation after 'you' should be a period. This clearly finalizes the prior segment and gives it enough separation that you don't have to make any changes to the latter.] “If she comes I’ve got dibs,” I say, making sure everyone heard me. “If I never have to do another key puzzle it’ll be too soon.” [Alleluia!] “I can use my telepathy to—” [If she uses her mind to open the locks, wouldn't it be telekinetics (lit: far motion) instead of telepathy (lit: far understand)?] “Link,” Dad says, mocking my tone, “shut your mouth and quit whining.” [Points: +1] A Brief Interlude Zelda blinked in surprise. “How did you …” Neesha grinned. [This is a prime example of source mixing gone wrong. Zelda's speech tag is tacked onto Neesha's dialog, and while it's apparent enough that the speech above is hers, the second line looks like it's also Neesha's because the only narrative description is clearly attributed to Neesha, which by extension labels the spoken line as hers instead of Zelda's.] “Link is, as a matter of fact,” she answered. “You’ll have to forgive us if we’re a bit protective. [Despite the fact that Link is an aggravation to security in general and based on all you've said in this story and the prior that he's openly courting Zelda?] “Here’s the issue. Link likes you. Link likes you a lot, as a matter of fact.” “This I’m aware of,” [And many are, if Hunter's tease(s) earlier in the story are any indication. I realize that she's trying to provoke a reaction out of Zelda, but...even so when I look back over this and reread Neesha's line I flop in my seat and say “DUH!”] All the time, you’re getting other people to do it for you. [It could be said that this is the standard practice of all royalty – most leadership in general.] "The only thing people love more than a hero, is to see a hero fail, [And what's sad is that's the nearly universal truth. People may spend money to watch a superhero movie, but they'll never look back at it if the hero doesn't get the crap beat out of him at least once.] Chapter 6 – and I'm not talking, cool, debonair, suave evil. [Points: +1] Chapter 6 (cont.) "Link, if you've learnt anything from Hylian politics," he says, his face serious, "it should have been that the truth doesn't matter. [Hadn't he already learned this lesson?] and as such no real was of sneaking up on it, [Spelling: way] A Brief Interlude – it was hard to be uncertain around that kind of faith, whether born of naïveté or not. [Naivete. People don't tend to do stupid things when they know it's stupid.] absolutely one hundred percent trustworthy than you've got another think coming. [Spelling: thing] the Hero kills you in an alleyway and leaves to the dogs [and leaves _you_ to the dogs?] Chapter 7 Impressionable young mind and all that." Hunter snorts and falls into step at my side. [Did I mention that source mixing is annoying and often considered bad writing? Why, yes I have!] crossing his arms instead and shifting his wait. [His _weight_?] "They're not crazy," I snap. "They willingly follow you," [Points: +1] "Locked up in a cast iron box and cast into the bottomless sea of my soul where it can shrivel and blacken for want of the sun," he answers with a grin. [Can all those words be answered with a grin?] "I'm telling you we'll both feel better if you say it yourself." I sigh again. [Hunter had a concise way of putting it, and I would have congratulated you if Link hadn't butted into his paragraph.] "It's just that her arms are so much more manly than yours I think she might have an easier time of it." "You could drop him, you know," Nabooru suggests. [Perfectly written.] A Brief Interlude There had been an avalanche. Blinding, suffocating white. [Doesn't stay looking white for long. Funny how something so bright can get so dark...] They'd go on and on about it until he was forced to kill them all. Regrettable, but justifiable, [Points: +1] The old man rolled his eyes in a very un-wisemanish gesture. [Plenty of that going on.] A pretty bauble like that? Even if it wasn't important to Aghanim, it would be worth a pretty penny, [Possibility of 'pretty' being overused in close proximity.] Then again … how much more of a guard do you need for something than a great, ugly snake? ["S'truth"] She found it ironic that Hunter had the nerve to call her dishonest when all she ever did was steal things. [Rimshot] Chapter 7 (cont.) A deku scrub [Was there supposed to be more to the sentence, or is only the closing punctuation missing?] No wait, that’s a lie. The Water Temple was more frustrating than this. [Amen! Now let that place of extreme evil never be spoken of again.] “Our best shot at stopping Aghanim and rescuing everyone, [I know you're probably irritated at people claiming you've spelt “Agahnim” incorrectly (that's what it is on all of my English translations, SNES and GBA versions). I don't care whether you spell it a different way, but consistency is important, and I'm seeing different versions. And fixing it in later chapters doesn't fix it here.] “He’s not calming down,” Zelda notes, [Yet makes me laugh, whether intended or not.] “Aghanim, Prince Regent of Hyrule is the King’s Black Mark. None shall touch him save you.” [Though I fully understand this action in this context, may I repeat how stupid it is? A good hero or evil overlord shouldn't say “he's mine”, they should say “leave him to me if not unreasonably impractical”. The “don't touch him” almost always makes things stickier for confronting him.] I raise my head to follow where he’s pointing. ['he'? Since Shiek _is_ Zelda, shouldn't that be 'she'?] A Brief Interlude Ganondorf kept the piece that best represented what was dominant in his heart, [Why is this being repeated again? It was said just a few lines above.] He’s as trapped in the Sacred Realm, as Ganondorf is in the Dark World.” [And with the two being the same thing according to my understanding of canon A Link to the Past...what about the two of them?] Would they never be free of that monster? [Nope. He makes too good a final boss.] “Except that Zelda probably falls into the maiden category, like Saria does. [Though since she's a sage, wouldn't her power have to be consciously tapped, as you just explained, and therefore make her ineligible for breaking the barrier since she'd never consciously undo the seal?] Unless, of course, she’s a virgin herself.” Brayden cleared his throat uncomfortably. [Source Mixing. Like a cancer: it's evil all on its own, and if not actively fought it has a tendency to grow.] though the closer in relation to the current Sages, who are, after all, the ones who put the seals on the Dark World, [With the large numbers of commas, although no rules were broken I'd have used hyphens to separate 'who are the ones who put the seals on the dark world'.] A small smile pulled at his shrivelled lips. [It looks like there's too many Ls in 'shrivelled'] Last but not least, one of you, at one point, sent me a fantabulous picture of Dark Link vs. Link in the Skulltulla nest from the Return that I was really quite fond of. [Now I'm interested. Did you get it again/do you still have it? If so I'd like to see it.] "If all else fails use fire." [And fire is just fun. It's almost as fun as freezing people mercilessly from a distance or hiding in their shadows, but I'm getting into other characters...] Chapter 8 and cover my head with the hands before [with _the_ hands? They're not his? He's using someone else's?] "They won't stay still!" Sheik darts past me, [Given the situation, I'd have inserted a hard return to create some space between Nabooru's statement and Shiek's action. It would also avoid the paragraph getting too long and looking like a block of text.] silently thanks the Goddesses that it was my turn to wear the silver bracers and not Neesha's or Hunter's. I'd never be able to lift this damn thing without them [What about the gold gauntlets?] Chapter 8 (cont.) That, at least, is what it feels like. [That _is_ what it feels like when shrapnel is ripped out of your arm. I don't know about stone, but jagged metal's nasty.] lighting the fuse on one of our rapidly dwindling bombs [I understood that this referred to the supply, but the way it's phrased I had a mental picture of Nabooru throwing shrinking bombs and them 'popping' ineffectually against the armos.] Being run through felt better than the three millions little nicks all over me does right now. [Odd how the body works, isn't it?] (damn their agility. [I snickered at that a lot, because quite a bit of Link's moves (particularly in the later games) depend on him being a lot more agile than his foes, and my incarnation of him in “The Warrior Prince” has a fighting style based a fair bit on “Prince of Persia”.] "Nabooru! We had a deal!" [What's he ** about? He got to keep that critical piece of a key to the Master Sword.] "What is it with Black Magicians and huge monsters?!" [They're just fun. Besides, the bigger they are, the harder they fall...] Chapter 8 (cont.) "A little," I admit. [Points: +1] ourselves killed against it?" I fake a gasp. [Source Mixing. The action would fit much better in Link's paragraph than Nabooru's.] and I won't be the only one dead before we're done this tower." [before we're done _in_ this tower] it's the Pendant of Courage." Nabooru sighs, then shrugs. [Source Mixing. If the points for comic lines weren't already nullified by these yet, then they are now.] A Brief Interlude for Goron toughness (not to mention the conditioning that living in the mountains (and the occasional active volcano) gave to their respiratory systems) and once more [We get the point from 'living in the mountains', the 'active volcano' bit makes one segment and one set of parenthesis too much. I recommend a simpler focus on one or the other – either the mountains they live in or the volcano they live next to.] (as much as being trapped on a platform with a giant, thrashing snake could be considered the upper hand), [Points: +1] Chapter 8 (cont.) And by love in this case, I of course mean quite the opposite. [The sarcasm is so...one cannot help but appreciate it.] before the bomb's go off, [Punctuation: bombs. The way you've got it written means “singular possessive of 'bomb'”.] My plan's more like, wait 'till [Punctuation: a colon belongs there where you've got a comma.] I reach the bag (made of good old-fashioned, fire-proof dodongo stomach) of bombs, [Um...I know it's funny most of the time, but that interjection just stretched out in an intense moment of a fight scene and did what my middle school English teacher would call a 'blarp'. Meaning it doesn't work, I think you should remove it.] in that oh-so-familiar way he has [Not she, seeing as how according to your canon Shiek _is Zelda_?] layers of Sheikan shawl around his head [Not her? Why not?] "I'm never in any danger with my princess in shining armour around, now am I?" [Okay, now _that_ was funny as hell.] didn't you put up Nayru's Love?" I flash her a defiant look. [Source Mixing. Your princess joke was just neutralized.] A Brief Interlude though he had a feeling for every answer they got there would be three more questions. [Thus satisfying Murphy's Law.] He wondered if Hyrule would ever really see peace. [Of course it will. There needs to be a point for the people to become complacent so evil has another chance and another hero is needed.] "I hope the other groups are all right," Darunia sighed. Rue, Karun and Brayden all [What? Sudden scene change!] "Now sometimes my heart is as true as a dove, And sometimes my heart it betrays me. So I draw my sword for to fight for my love And without a whisper she slays me." GarthBrooks, "Pushing up Daisies" [That seemed at the same time wildly random, and yet somehow fitting to this story. I cannot explain how.] Chapter 9 "It's not just a sword," I insist. "It's the Master Sword. It's a … it's …" [“It's blue, we're blue. Tucker, you explain it to him.”] since it's nothing but dead metal in anyone's hand but Link's. [In many arcs (I can't remember if yours is one or not), isn't Link the only one who can even touch the sword at all? And even in most of the other arcs, only the “True Knights” could so much as touch it.] relieved that she's willing to let drop a topic that makes me sound insane, [Amazing how many topics comprise that list, eh?] and rolling her eyes. [A favourite action of your characters, I've noticed long ago. That and giving slight modifications on the standard grin.] I'm starting to think that's what Hylians are for." I stare at her incredulously for a moment. [That's ironic, considering the fact that she's on the hit list. Oh, and source mixing. Evil!] The emotion in the air is thick enough to cut with a knife and eat. If you did, I think it would taste kind of like misery, and chagrin, and loathing, with just a tiny dash of relief to give it that bitter-sweet flavour. [Points: +1] Impa stands against the wall, peering out the window with her backs to them, [So now Impa has multiple backs, instead of just one back?] "It's Agahnim's HQ. [This may be personal view, but I hate 'HQ' with a passion. It was merely a term until I actually was in the military, and heard it (mis)used to nauseum and beyond, but I now hate it every time I see it.] "Black lightning," Bel adds. [Well that pretty well narrows down what magic it might be – black with black.] You look like death warmed over." [After having to check a condemned “dining facility”, I think I know where that phrase came from. And it makes me feel nauseous every time I see it henceforth.] he didn't kill him – he was only making the point that he would – [that he _could_?] She nods and slips out again, closing the door after her. I get to my feet with an annoyed grumble. [Though there's enough here to clearly identify who's speaking, I still call Source Mixing and recommend moving Link's action to his paragraph. Then his paragraph gets a speech tag too, and isn't floating.] Sometimes distractions can actually help you to stay focused [Need I say more?] and you suddenly find yourself caught by surprise by just how badly you've actually taken something, [Yeah. And those suddenlies can really knock you down.] "You're not off the hook yet." I give her a wide smirk. [Source Mixing.] A Brief Interlude Fulfill your final task, Thomas, you will please Ganon greatly. [Although this technically works, based on the structure of the preceding sentence, I think it would be better to repeat the same phrasing to strengthen the connection between Ganon and Agahnim.] A moment later there was a flash and a young Sheikan man [Sheikan...man...arrg.] and the crimson-eyed boy doubled-over. [If Shiek is Zelda, why 'boy'?] and do Din knew what with him. [with _her_?] Sheik, who was Zelda, who was the Princess of Hyrule. [Yes. Exactly. Femnine article.] Sheik – changing into Zelda as he ran – [as _she_ ran?] Chapter 9 (cont.) "I am so going to get fried when I step in there," I grumble. [That would have been excessively funny. I'd have had him walk into the barrier, _then_ remember to ask Neesha for the third pendant.] "you've got another think coming. [Spelling: thing. Unless Link is drunk, and he's about to start saying something like 'no ociffer!'] shout across at each other for months?" I throw him a smirk. [Source Mixing.] "It's fine! I broke it! [snrk] … there's something thrilling in the sound of a sword clearing its sheath. [Yes, there is.] and I can busy myself by ignoring you." [Points: +1] "You have a very smart-mouth sometimes, [It's the mouth?] but that eerie not-Zelda laugh [This reminded me, for a few reasons, of Formortiis (possessing Lyon in “Fire Emblem: Sacred Stones”).] You're bleeding! What the Hell?!" [Yes. What the hell. How is it that a telepathic message (in an oversimplification) would make Link bleed? Weren't those 'visions' and not literal transportations?] How poor are they who have not patience! What wound did ever heal but by degrees. —William Shakespeare— [Funny to see, when the core character in your story (Link) is virtually without patience.] Chapter 10 – maybe even more." I mumble my response into my pillow. Dad raises an eyebrow at me. "I said you didn't get stabbed twice in a row by the possessed body of your girlfriend, [Source Mixing. I'm confused, really – I had to reread this a few times before I finally decided it was Link speaking angrily instead of his father being sarcastic (he could tell by a glance Link's been stabbed twice).] "Sometimes the messenger deserves to be shot." [Points: +1] I guess it's more of a non-place, [My point above, restated.] "yeah, with a truncheon. [Points: +1] You have a talent for blundering into the single most offensive situations you can possibly find and ** off half the fortress!" [Like father like son.] For 95 of the world it is admirable to make it to your wedding before you … [QuickEdit loves eating special punctuation, the percentage sign being one of them.] "That she hasn't … you know?" [Ugh. “Euphamisms”.] "you're going to have to start making sense, or I'm going to kick you out and call for someone who does…" [Points: +1] Chapter 10 (cont.) therefore have gone so far beyond the usual Gerudo standards, that they no longer apply to me. [That's very strange logic. And somehow it still works. Particularly with Link.] this kind of insult I can usually live with. [Usually?] "Snooping." I nod. [Source Mixing that jumped out and made me twitch. 's not good grammar or writing, okay?] The one's from the Dark World." [Punctuation: ones] we could hire one of the twins?" I grin helplessly at her and throw one of my pillows at her. [Source Mixing. I think, if it's not then I'm not sure who's saying what and that's the fault of repeated source mixing and lacking speech tags.] It's not until my hands on the door [Punctuation: hand's] A Brief Interlude she knew Liam couldn't here any more. [Spelling: hear?] contemplating what he'd just done. [After all that scene about ZELDA BEING SHIEK, why is there still a masculine reference? It's not a magic spell like the curse on Saotome Ranma that literally turns him into a girl.] Okay, now that I'm done pointing out the evil Source Mixing and arguing about all the masculine references to a Shiek that by all accounts (in this story) should be she, everything else is pretty good. The characters are consistent and the story is interesting, clearly based on A Link to the Past without being a regurgitation of it.

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