hi there this is old ut i liked it he but im more of a fan of the advanced vercion of this kind of pairing Assasin Cross x High priest (the assasin cloths are more cool and the priest is more revealing) but this is beautiful so see ya later you rock!

Aw...how sweet...but sad...but sweet! But...sad. But mostly sweet...kinda.

Ok. Die! (the ultima3 bashes you with his 4 hybird tsurgi)

Ok, nice story, but I am curious, how old is the assassin?

You might want to add another chapter

aw...i'm a sucker for these fics...ü

i wuv it!

May 28, 2004

To Aeneid

Comprehensive Review of As We Dance

by L.D. Ramirez

A. Comments

1. Title - Immediately, the thoughts conjured by my mind as I read the title were "Waai! Mushy stuff!" *starts feeling warm and fuzzy inside* XD Anyway, sugoi title-des! Short, sweet, and lots of powerful imagery astride it. Just the way I like titles. (-)

2. Story - Hmm! Well, it's about forbidden love between a man and a woman, chuu XD There have been many takes on this, but your own go at it is very naishuu! (-) The Priestess / Assassin pairup was quite refreshing, too! (Sa wakas, hindi na Priest yung guy! XD Joke!)

The story centers on how Tsuki and Hyuga struggle to keep their relationship hidden from the prying eyes of the clergy. Tsuki is ready to throw away her future career as a Priestess just so she can keep what she has with Hyuga. But Hyuga wants to keep the relationship hidden. What frustrates Tsuki is that she somehow feels that Hyuga is 'ashamed' of what they have for each other - since he's not willing to let other people see what's going on between the two of them. Wai! Great plot conflict-o dees! XD

As it turns out, Hyuga doesn't want Tsuki to gamble too much on him just yet - he doesn't want Tsuki to lose what could possibly make her a successful person in the future (her career as a Priestess) just for him. Meaning - he wants to make himself more of a man first, become stronger - so that when the moment of truth comes, he will be able to give Tsuki a wonderful life - help her live her dreams - have the both of them realize their dreams together, chuu It's so romantic! XD

A dance between two lovers is always so naishuu, chuu It's a kind of communion - a moment of oneness. Chuu! *gets red-faced* And the way they try and resolve the issues between them during this moment of oneness - it just binds Tsuki and Hyuga even more, chuu XD Me so envious! Wai! (-)

a. Introduction - Wai! Wise choice starting with a line of dialogue! It helps build up pacing real quick and grabs the reader's attention lightning fast! True, scout's honor! XD But you already know that, I thinky. So - congratulations, wai! XD Sugoi writer tekniku-dees! XD

Aeneid: Someone's had too much sugar... (-_-)

Yasutsuna: It's because your fic was so sugary sweetu-dees! XD

b. Manuscript - Wai! You're very strong in punctuation! I only saw one punctuation error, chuu XD And the line spacing and text formatting are great-o! XD There are some grammar, capitalization, and word choice errors though, chaa You need to proofread just a little bit more, chaa XD

c. Plot - Third person was a sugoi choice for this story, I think. This way, the reader gets to see the points-of-view of both Tsuki and Hyuga. Wai! XD And the way you inserted those song lyrics in between - so naishuu, chuu XD If the reader is familiar with the song, it allows him to have a soundtrack playing in his / her head while reading, it just helps immerse him / her in the romantic atmosphere, chuu and if the reader is not familiar with the song - the relevance of the lyrics to the currently enfolding situation in the fic does the same job anywaym chuu XD Sugoi tekniko-des!

3. Characters

a. Main Protagonists:

Tsuki - Wai! She's lovely-desu! Too bad, she's taken... hmm... hehehe... *grabs a mallet and attempts to whack Hyuga with it*

Tsuki: Yamete kudasai! *baps me fiercely on the noggin*

Yasu: I was just goofing around! ( - ) *nurses the gigantic pinkish lump now on his forehead) XD

Anyway, seriously, I like how you make her out to be both sweet yet strong - strong because she doesn't care what other people think about her and because she wants to take charge of her own destiny - sweet because her love faith in Hyuga is so real that she is willing to bet everything on him - waai! *tries to snatch her away from Hyuga again*

Hyuga: UMAIRUWA! *slices me in te and serves me for twenty*

Orc: Oi! Medium Rare! *starts chewing me up*

Yasu: AHH! Enough of this nonsense! *stops the nonsense* XD

Hyuga Ricdeau - Hmm, a sweet and understandig Assassin. That's quite rare. Well, either that or I just tend to make my Assassins cold and evil. Hehe. Anyway, I like how he has these doubts regarding himself. I mean, sure, you didn't mention them in the narrative - but they are implied vary nicely. I mean, he wouldn't have any hesitation regarding the 'whisking Tsuki away from all this' thing if he didn't have doubts regarding himself, right? His love for Tsuki is real - but he wants to make a decision that will not put Tsuki in a state where she will regretfalling for him - meaning he wants to get stronger for her! (-) A real lovable character you have here.

b. Main Antagonist:

None, actually. Maybe Wilhelm? XD Actually, the main antagonist here is the uncertainty Tsuki and Hyuga have regarding each other's thoughts on their relationship. But they took care of that by discussing it nicely and with understanding, chuu XD

B. Suggestions

1. Begin Quote{

There stood before her was raven-haired Assassin smiling at her.

}End Quote

Begin Suggestion 1{

There, standing before her, was a raven-haired Assassin, smiling.

}End Suggestion 1

Begin Suggestion 2{

Standing before her was a raven-haired Assassin, who was smiling widely.

}End Suggestion 2

Begin Suggestion 3{

There stood before her a raven-haired Assassin, smiling at her.

}End Suggestion 3

2. Begin Quote{

She was a bit earlier than usual in their meeting place at Mt. Mjolnir and the Priestess looked like she was in very deep thought…

}End Quote

Hmm - nothing at all wrong with this sentence - but I may as well suggest the usual format.

Begin Suggestion {

She had arrived a bit earlier than usual in their meeting place at Mt. Mjolnir and the Priestess looked like she was in very deep thought...

}End Suggestion

3. Begin Quote{

Her eyes were a hazel brown, though it looked a bit dull right now.

}End Quote

Begin Suggestion 1{

Her eyes, usually hazel brown, looked a bit dull right now.

}End Suggestion 1

Begin Suggestion 2{

Her usually hazel brown eyes looked a bit dull right now.

}End Suggestion 2

Begin Suggestion 3{

Her eyes were hazel brown, though they looked a bit dull right now.

}End Suggestion 3

4. Begin Quote{

Kurumi’s reputation as the Steel Angel of Prontera will be ruined as well as Wilhelm’s removal from being High Priest.

T-T Can you please finish you're MOMO/Jr. fic? You said it was almost done...T-T...*weep*...

O!
_
Sweet!
Too bad...dunno what will happen next...
-_-
Nice fic anyway!

Wow.. *Wipes away a tear, lol* That was a very good story, but it somehow seems incomplete. It was too short, too XP. It was very sweet, but it kinda leaves you thinking "then what? What happened before this?" I loved it, I'm a very avid ro player, and I think you cought the essence of it rather well. Two thumbs up. *nods*

Konichiwa Aeneid-san! Wow you write Ragnarok, that's so cool! I got obssessed with that game...hehehe! Anyway it was good! Are you still gonna continue your Xenosaga fanfics?

Cute. Though it has no plot someway. But it's cute. I'm a fan of priestess/sin pairings. I like it.