Although your review wasn’t flattering, after waiting through several months of drought, I’m thankful for input of any sort. I have a question concerning your story format: How do you indent on Fan Fiction.net?
Formatting has been my largest hurdle, as it is for most writers on the sight. I save my original chapters as a Word document, or as a rich text doc, until I’m finish, and ready to submit a copy in HTML, and it changes the entire appearance of the work.
I bring this up because I noticed Stratagem didn’t have the problem I’m describing.

About the advice you freely gave out…
I modeled my chapter one writing style on the syndicated writings of Jack McKinney (Robotech) and Michael A. Stackpole (Battletech and Star Wars), with the witty playwriting style of Edmund Rostund (Cyrano de Bergerac).
The effect, so I just learned, makes a good formula for crap, but I just wanted to try something new, after reading so many tepid novels.
As for the beta-reader, I have one, and he’s a huge fan of Robotech, Battletech, Star Wars, the 1897 script, and toilet humor. That was for him, my editor.

This is a bit confusing. I'd suggest getting a beta-reader, but if *I* was your beta-reader, I think I'd have a brain-aneurysm before I was finished. ^_^

I'd suggest that you try reading more books to see the correct way to write a narrative fictional novel, or take a creative writing class in high school or college. You definitely have personality and ideas, but your writing could use some work.

Don't give up! If you want to be a writer, concentration and practice are your best tools! ^_^

Ukchana