Good story but sounds more like a well written modern romance because of the lack of magic or of anything, other than the characters, relating to Rowling's world. As usual, your almost polar opposite characterisation of Snape works well. Go Merlyn!
Ah, excellent chapter! I can see how the earlier ones have been gearing up for this point, which is where you're going to really get down to business, aren't you? Lovely! I really like the simple, effective descriptions; the dialogue is, as ever, spot on. I also like the emerging picture of Sophie. There she was being all morally outraged about Snape's slip, and she wasn't really much better, was she? Very self-centred - what I do is fine because it's me doing it - but if you do it, I'll get annoyed. I do like the fact that these are things which are coming out in shades, rather than being the main events, if you see what I mean. Excellent work :D
This is a good story. The relationships are very solid, the dialogue is good and events are logical (which sounds like a daft thing to say, except, as you've probably noticed, some people's fiction just doesn't seem to run in the right sort of order!)
I think my only criticism is that it's one which maybe you need to think about more, work over in your head, before committing to print. It's utterly compelling - yet doesn't quite work, for me. Psychologically sound, but if anything, rushed. As if you're building up to something really crucial and you're speeding a bit too fast towards it. If this is the case, then I'd suggest you write that main story event, then work backwards to the things that have to precede it. It's a lot easier to pace the story that way.
Good work though, I'm looking forward to reading the next bit.
S.
Oh no, stupid Severus! How often does one get such a wonderful wife? Leave it! ... Sigh, why do those characters never listen to my warnings? ... Scared and curious what will happen next at the same time. Hope you update soon.
Oh dear, silly boy! Yup, further to my previous comment about Sev sounding academically clever but not very bright in other areas! Very sound and rather subtle character building, very very nice! I liked the hint about him performing in the local pub - since these are the days before the curse of karaoke, is he in a band? And I do love the hint that he might be Jewish - again, very subtle, and all the more effective for that. Great stuff!
This is very good, very well written. I like the relationship you depict with his wife and child - I was expecting somethine more mary-sue, to be honest! But this is really nicely done, more objective and focused on him rather than them (very un-mary-sue), and that works very well.
On the nit-pick side: what you've got as "for id" is actually "forehead". And if his daughter's ill, it seems a bit strange he might invite his wife to the pub with him when it would mean leaving her by herself - the kind of person you've depicted so far sounds like the type who'd be more likely to spend the evening working on his dissertation while sitting next to her bed. But the way you've written this, it doesn't actually sound unlikely - maybe he's just not thoughtful in that kind of way (so many blokes aren't! And the really academically gifted seem to have no common sense at all!)
Anyway, I enjoyed reading this - be sure to let us know when you update. BTW, are you taking anonymous reviews as well? Might be a good idea - you get slightly more, and it means reviewers don't have to login every time they want to review your work.
Best wishes,
S.
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