Y'now, you're supposed to *update* stuff like this, or at least give us the flip-side perspective, y'now? ^_^

BTW, never saw this one on - was this a one only?

The summary intrigued me. Not only does have it possess one of the few summaries on that is actually spelt properly, but it shows a sort of enlightened attitude. Which is cool.

I like where you're going, but the long descriptions turned me straight off. You explain too much. I collect Jade Falcon. I read this story because you mentioned Jade Falcon. Don't you think I know what Tukkayid was? You don't have to call Comstar quasi-religous.

You're making a big bad mistake with all the rehashing of canon background, in fact one website I visited the other day actually described this over-explanation behaviour as 'insulting' to the reader.

Imagine reading a fanfic of something you like, say for argument, X-Files fan-fiction, and the author insisted on referring to Agent Scully as "the FBI agent" (eg, 'said the FBI agent' / 'the FBI agent side' etc...).

So, whilst this story is great if you don't know Tech, just how many people who don't know Tech are going to be reading Tech fanfiction?

I actually found the Tukkayid explanation, well, tedious. We know about Tukkayid. Those damn Spheroids won't drop it, even though we *all* know that they cheated, and that the stupid Warden-Wolf ilKhan was a drunk.

Gr... damn Wolves!

A paragraph or two about your original characters involvment in Tukkayid would have sufficed, rather than a huge narrative.

But at least you haven't drawn loads of attention to your original characters. I know I just said, less canon background more fanstory background, but even though it's Tech and you have to have original characters most of the time, people don't know them and OC's make some fanfic readers uncomfortable. So careful with that as well. We don't want any Victor Steiner-Davion type fan characters.

Now I'm going to launch into a massive essy on Prince Victor, including his history and motives, then do a big paragraph on why some fans do not appreciate him and why I felt compelted to comment on him...

*one essay later*

...which I have removed for size reasons. But you get where I'm coming from right? Tech players probably know what Comstar is (probably just in a nutshell, unless they are a Comstar/WoB player), the basics of the Clans (though by all means discuss them and their less known areas, you were fine here) and what happened on Tukkayid (the general gist of it at least - 80% Clan dead, 50% Comguard dead).

If they do not then they probably won't bother checking out Battletech fics.

But I would still recommend this story.

It's a good story, and I'd like to read more when you get it up.

JonWilhoit, I think I have an answer to your question on the Jade Falcon surname. It is in the form of a quote.

"First, anyone who is adopted into a Clan's Warrior caste-an event about as rare as Candace Liao and her sister Romano exchanging a civil word-recieves the Clan name as his surname."

-Cyrilla Ward, Blood Legacy, Blood of Kerensky: Volume Two

Hey, great start for a story! The intro presents an interesting hook, what with Tanya looking over the Leftenant's file and everything, and I would be really interested in reading more (update soon, damnit!). However, there are a couple things I would address that might need to be changed. I hope you'll consider these suggestions for future revisions.

1) Is Star Captain Tanya from another previously written book? The name seems really familiar (or maybe I'm just thinking of the Tanya Harding and the imfamous knee-capping incident). Anyway, I digress. Why is her surname Jade Falcon? I've never heard something like that except for maybe jaime wolf of the Wolf's Dragoons, but that hardly applies in this situation. Please clarify the unusual surname.

2) If Tanya was captured or whatever by jade falcon after the battle at Tukayyid, how is she a Star Captain 4 months later? It would make more sense for her to start from the bottom. If you are going to have that as a part of your story, you could address the point with a logical explaination.

3)Your description of Clan tactics, bloodrights, and so on are very informative, but the first paragraph says that Tanya was focusing on "events four months past," not on the intricacies of clan culter. The 2nd and 3rd paragraphs fit like a sociology lesson in the middle of a history lesson: they simply don't belong. I understand the need to explain clan tactics, but I believe you could do so more effectively by explaining them in tandem with the explaination of tukayyid.

4) You describe Tanya's protests to her commanding officer against conventional clan tactics and for the use of conventional units such as tanks an infantry, as well as long range artillery. The clans have tanks and infantry, but such units are reserved for Solhama garrisons back on their home worlds. Even if they were to use such units, they would have to make the months-long trip to the innersphere, eating up resources that could be better put to use in the occupation zone where battle is taking place (at least, in the Clan mindset). These units can be nice and everything, but with the bidding process (if I understand Tukayyid right, the clans did bid), the conventional units would eat up a spot that could be used by more versatile 'Mech units. Now, as for artillery . . . do the clans even *have* artillery? I've never heard of a clan unit being supported by artillery, and I think the reason behind that is because the long range, indirect fire nature of artillery would seem dishonorable to any respectable Clanner. There is also the fact that most artillery isn't very mobile. I'm sure everyone has heard of the mobile long tom artillery piece, but I would imagine a piece that big would be hard to cram into a dropship meant to house smaller units. Even if they did use artillery, it would be incredibly tedious to transport to the planet. 'Mechs are fast, mobile, and versatile. For planetary assaults, you can't beat all of the qualities 'Mechs bring to the table.

Those are all rather nit-picky things that I noticed, but like TWG, I am a stickler for cannon correctness--even if I do make a mistake every once in a while. With all of that said, I would like to reiterate that I really do like what you wrote for the introduction of this piece. You give us a character with an interesting background (though it needs more clarification in the future), and give us some hint to her objective, but you leave a lot of questions to be answered. What exactly is in store for the Donegal Hussars? Isn't there still a truce going on? If so, are they located in the occupation zone? so if they're in the occupation zone, are they acting as guerillas, and is Tanya given the task of hunting them down? It's all quite intriguing, so keep up the good work, and update soon!

Whe! This looks to be very good! Keep it up!

I can't wait to read more. It sounds like this could be a very interesting story.

Nice start. The chapter wassn't too short and that's a plus. I couldn't spot any mistakes in writing or or the technical stuff of bt.