Overall it was very decently written. But you may want to cut down just a TOUCH on the choppy sentences around the middle of the 4th paragraph to let it flow with the rest of the fic's style of writing. Again in the 4th paragraph when you say you say "You see" to make it a little less awkward and sudden of that being there by adding something like that to the beginning so the reader gets used to it.
I especially like the story you've got going on. Great work!

Cool i like it.