Very nice. I'm impressed, this is a very good fic. I'd love to be your beta-reader, if you'd be so kind. -''
One thing, however, Hughes was a Lieutenant Colonel when he was died. Apparently, once a military man is killed they bump him up two levels. Lieutenant Colonel to Colonel to Brigadier General. Just to let you know.
Some bits are confusing and others I merely scrolled down because it bored me. Ouch, sorry. That was a bit direct, I apologize. -_-;; To others it may be insightful or engrossing (and at times it is) but it can get overdone. Excellent vocabulary! You met a banana peel here and there but it's still a worth while read.
I warn you, as a beta I can be very snarky or lazy. Tolerable, though. *cough*
Anyways, as there are plenty of other reviewers beating a path to your fanfic's door, a fond 'adieu', until this thing gets an update.
Kerigan 4/16/05 . chapter 3
NO! You can't possibly stop there! Please, I have to know what happens!
"he knew what to answer" that made it sound like roy was trying to hide something or was unsure of wether or not he'd done it. he didn't though, so that is just a bit confusing.
Anywho, i really like your fic. tis cool. i really wish i could write as well as you.
Marvelous story *smiles approvingly* I rather enjoyed it actually, though that is only comparing it to the other stories that I have read this afternoon. The concept really got me going, and I must admit the 1st chapter was phenomenal; the ending just left that sick sort of feeling in the bowels of your stomach, though I am not quite so approving of the start of the second. Let me elaborate on that, the 1st part that was entered was something to the effect of ‘Three weeks latter’ and I have never been all that big of a fan for that sort of thing, though it is understandable to use it for wanting to get to the point, I never would suggest using it in the near feature. It is one of those bad habits when you use it, it leaves the mind open to upcoming confusion if or when latter references are made to that time period. More importantly, I was really looking forward to that scene. .…Y-Y I know, it is sad, isn’t it? But onward I say! Your word choice and sentence variation was ‘oh-my-god’ good. So praise yourself you did the one thing I normally use to insult somewhere around 90% of other fan fiction, you managed to continue the sentences at a nice and flowing pace, and slipped some words in there that even with my advanced level of vocabulary comprehension couldn’t adequately understand on terms of meaning. (heh…actually I just couldn’t remember what a couple of them meant at the time, really that’s it!) But as much as I love complimenting the competent, please, when you switch the point of view, make it known. The 1st what? Six times it took me a second to recognize the change. Other than that, I also must stress that you lost me somewhere in chapter 3. I had a pretty good idea what was going on, and your closing supported it, but that was all guesswork. Try not to drown the reader in detail and comparison; but I can’t deny you the credit to the ‘butterfly’ passage. But I cannot concur on your belief. I thought it a befitting name for a creature. A thing that ‘fly’s with the grace and softness of ‘butter’, that speaks clearly to me as gentle suppleness. *smile* But look where your writing has gotten me babbling off on. ((This is what happens when you are intelligent about something, you end up with a freak like me…*sweat droop*) This is quite a review if I do say so myself. Splendid story! You must continue, and do try and work on what I have earlier suggested. Continue! Or I swear…something or other.-v
I really love this story, it's so... different! ...I feel like I should be able to say a lot more about it, but I guess there's just not much more to be said, except please update soon! Oh, and sorry that I didn't review the last chapter. Don't know why I didn't... I must be getting lazy...
Anyway, if you still haven't found a beta, you can send it to my email (in my profile) and I'll run it through. (Although your spelling and grammar seems to be pretty good already, so it wouldn't be too hard a job.)
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