Heyy, the story is fab, BUT if you type the title into the search, select manga/anime, the one by the same name in the Bleach category is this story with names just changed.
Just letting yoo know =)

oh good going rinoa show the ** that you arent going to be messed with

okay, i SO know that this story ended a long time ago, but i only found it and read it recently. well, since you've already pointed out that this story will have ooc charcs and fluffy chapters, i won't go into that. i feel that in a whole new different stand alone story, as in NON-fanfiction, the plot is actually pretty good.

but towards the second half of the story i felt that you were a little rushy, in the sense that i can't feel the story much anymore. but i can't blame you for that because it gets really tiring writing a story.

but do take time to express yourself, i'm sure your new stories are better and have improved. keep up the work!

christina

Howdy. =) There are soem stuff I'd like to point out. But first, I'd like to say that you've got a pretty nice storyline worked out... and a pretty decent plot going along here. ^_^

However, there's some stuff that you could REALLY work on to make your story better:

1. Tenses. You tend to switch between all the different tenses. It's a common mistake that most people make but do try to avoid it. It tends to make the whole story quite confusing and hard to follow.

2. Character development. You need to show your understanding of the characters. Explore on how they would react, what they feel, what are the emotions felt in greater detail. Right now, attempts at doing so are pretty evident. But if you want your characters to REALLY flesh out, you need to play around with their characters in the story more.

3. Description and detail. What your story lacks, isn't a good plot or narrative. you've already got one ongoing. =) That's good. Right now, the challenge is to bring the whole thing to life. Express what you see, hear, smell, feel, taste, touch, etc. within your mind. Express and show, not just narrate.

4. Tone and mood. It's one of the toughest aspects of writing to master. So don't be too worried. It's a matter of wordplay and how you work around to influencing a person's psychology. This is where you need to observe more.

Right now, you story really isn't up to par to what you can really do. You aren't quite showing your full potential. But I have absolute faith that you'll be able to... at some point of time. ^_^

I hope my review helped. I have a tutorial typed out on detail and description. It's not the best... but if you're interested, just PM me. Keep writing/updating/typing/posting stories! =D

i like it. thought it is sad on julia's part. thanks for the story it's really is interesting. i hope you will write some more. thanks.

I don't get the end of this chapter...

1. You said Rinoa was in her room changing clothes then all of a sudden she's downstairs?

2. You also said Laguna was the one who answered the door and yet he wasn't the one who answered it (he was sitting on the couch when Julia welcomed herself in, well in fact he was the one who opened the door)


This is messed up...

hi there.. great fic.. loved it..

pretty good story tho ending coulda been drag out a little but u did good job! ! !

Slighter more humorous than the last chapter. Thank you!

Damn right you're evil! But I can't imagine what other adventures they'll have. Maybe a sequel is in order?

awhh its over
well that was a great story!
and you're an amazing writer
and the fic is finally over -sigh-

aw, that's cute.

Damn has it really been three years? Time sure does fly doesn't it. Well it was worth it I loved the story!! :)

Cool ending!

Jade

i wont kill you but do they do it in the back seat? hehehe...great ending!
i will miss this story
-rinnyheartillyizawesome