|Reviews for A Day at the Office|
| Sirius-Black-is-not-dead 9/27/08 . chapter 5
HAHA. I couldn't stop grinning while I was reading this, it fits perfectly with what I saw in the YYH anime. I loved Koenma in this too, he is too obsessed with technology and really naive.
| Jenny C 6/5/08 . chapter 5
This is brilliant! Hilarious and IC!
| lazy fat kitsune 10/10/05 . chapter 5
i like it, since i've been reading angst too much lately. it is pretty funny. and could your favourite character be Koenma?
| DragonDancer5150 11/16/04 . chapter 5
ROTFLMFAO! Don't even know where to begin! I love the re-write to include the water cooler blowing up! Heh, I may have suggested it but you pulled it off beautifully, as with the rest of this fic. And I like the new name of Chap 3.
The dialogue of the two agents is so - unfortunately - believable! LOL And I've mentioned before that I work for an appliance shop. I have customers who feel like Koenma - *everything* is brand-new and highly expensive and it's *all* broken . . . all at once! Hahaha!
Heh, the foursome survived the Dark Tournament but it's their defeat of the Saint Beasts that Botan chooses to bring up in explanation of the attention they've garnered, huh? _
I love the "funny expressions on Hiei and Kurama's faces"! Botan can be so lovably clueless.
Hey, at least Koenma wasn't *sitting* in that chair at the time! Sprung springs do nasty things to a man's . . . um, manhood, even in toddler form. I just hope he doesn't make George sit in it!
I've been recommending "Office" - demanding, more like _ - to everyone! Huzzah for your first complete, published fic!
| Magus Black 11/11/04 . chapter 5
I beileve it is either Kuwabara or Koenma. But I like this chapter.
| DragonDancer5150 10/7/04 . chapter 4
LMFAO! Poor George! Magic friggin' eight ball! **snort, snicker** And, yes, you have done your job. I cannot tell for certain who your favorite character(s) is/are. _ Bravo! You have balanced everyone very well. I completely understand the question, having to struggle with that myself in fics.
Again, just a minor nitpick or two - first you have an incomplete sentence. "With some reiki behind the throw, just for good measure." I would either make this part of the sentence before by inserting a hyphen between "floor" and "with" or rewrite it slightly, such as "He put some reiki . . . "
In narrative, you do not want to use conjunctions such as "don't," "can't," "he'll," "they'd." In dialogue, use the pattern of speech the character would use but, in narrative, these should be "do not," "cannot," "he will," "they would." For example, "The only person who might have reached the ball in time was Hiei, but he [did not] care enough. Correction – he [did not] care at all."
Pun? What pun? Musta been so ingenious that I missed it! LOL I can be dense that way. Hafta smack me upside the head with a 2x4 sometimes before I get stuff. I would probably try even Kurama's patience at times and we all know that *that* is saying quite a bit! _
Just one last comment and it's really more of a personal pet peeve, I guess, since "everybody" seems to do it. Since the characters are Japanese, it follows that they are speaking in Japanese. However, the fic is being written in English so non-Japanese readers/speakers can understand. Therefore, the dialogue is all being "translated," so to speak. As cool as it is to be able to insert what little Japanese we authors know when we see an opportunity, it would follow that we are "translating" *all* of their dialogue and inner thoughts, not just most of it, such as in your comments of Yusuke's - "Shimatta! he thought. I almost got away with it, too!" But again, that is more of a personal pet peeve than a real comment on technical writing style or storytelling. Like I said, I have seen many, many authors do the same so . . . **shrug** Feel free to ignore that particular critique. _
Can't wait to read more! And feel free to drop me a line any time!
| DragonDancer5150 10/7/04 . chapter 3
Yes, Starbuck's definitely has its own dialect! LOL
THE ANIME-FALL! YES! **punches air enthusiastically** Even Kurama fell over and I've *never* seen him fall over for *anything*, not all the way to the floor! LMAO!
Nasty little nit-picks: For one, since you use symbols and not any actual curse words, I think you could have left the rating alone. **shrug**
Iced tea is nothing more than any flavor served with ice rather than hot, so it would not be catagory of its own. You could list the other flavors/varieties, then have Koenma comment that they are all available hot or over ice as desired.
I like the fact that even Botan didn't know the truth of what they had been wandering around all over the place to finally see. And yes, former thief that he is, Kurama would love the challenge of memorizing the way (or trying to - don't know if even he would be successful _). Unfortunately, the chapter title gives away the surprise! You might consider renaming the chapter so that the water cooler is as much of a surprise to the reader as it is to the detectives - maybe something like "In the Vault" or "Runaround" or something?
Oh! Meant to comment in the last review - I don't know that Spirit Realm sensors can detect a youkai who does not want to be found, like Koenma could not find a trace of Hiei during the Rescue Yukina story arc . . . unless that's one of the brand-new features of the new equipment?
LOL - speaking of new equipment that doesn't work, I have to say that it strikes a personal cord as I deal with that every day! I work for an appliance shop. We do the warranty repairs for some Very High-End appliances (heehee, using your style element!). When you purchase a $2,0 range or a $5,0 refrigerator or a $1,200 dishwasher, you expect it to last forever, right? Or at least the first year of use! It should never give you a problem, ever, even a minor one. Well . . . "That's what the warranty is for, ma'am, is to help protect the customer from manufactoring defects." That's the line I've come up with to attempt to diffuse customer anger. I think it's hysterical that Koenma's new computer doesn't work! Oh, you know what you should do? Wait . . . you've already written Chapter 4. Darn. Oh, well - I'll tell you anyway. Maybe you can use it later. Have the cooler have a massive malfunction, too! I was going to say that, before the group leaves the room, have Koenma make one last attempt to impress the group by getting someone a drink (any drink, pick one). The machine ends up flooding the room! Hot and cold, sugary, reeking of alcohol . . . man, they would all be a terrible mess! Heehee
Eagerly on to Chap 4 . . .
| DragonDancer5150 10/7/04 . chapter 2
If humor is not your forte, I cannot wait to read something of yours in a genre that is!
Hm - nitpick, huh? Well, OK. They're very minor tidbits but every bit helps, right? First you wanted an opinion on the first sentence of paragraph two. The way it reads, the time count includes the other events rather than starting after their conclusion. At least, that's how I read it. If you wish to further clarify, however, you might add a phrase something like "and [a total of] 138 minutes" or even "and [a grand/final total of] 138 minutes".
In the next paragraph, "That meant Kuwabara had been in one conflict or another since Hiei arrived." So, Hiei arrived [and then] Kuwabara got into another conflict separate from the one he was in with Hiei? I think I know what you meant but the wording is a little awkward.
There are a few places where you capitalize the first letter in phrases such as when Hiei "managed to grind out a Very Menacing 'What?'" You are the only person I have seen use that for emphasis of thoughts, catagorizations, or whatever (not sure what to call it) except for Margaret Weiss and Tracy Hickman in their DragonLance saga. One character, Tasslehoff Burrfoot, has that style used with his narrative when he is pondering certain things, such as someone he considers a Very Important Person. Be very conscious and use it sparingly but I think you are using this particular style element very well so far.
Most of the instances where you use a semi-colon should actually be separate sentences. When in doubt, use a period instead.
What do you use for your source of spelling "jaganshi" with a "y"? Just curious because I have never seen that elsewhere.
"Koenma was tempted to call in George . . . but caught himself just in time." In my mind, anyway, if Koenma was just "tempted," he was not in the process of actually doing it and so would not catch himself just in time. If you want him to "just catch himself," you could say that he was "about to call," maybe.
Heehee - it would be an infrequent occurance but, yes, it is actually in character for Kurama to subtly tease at Hiei when it's not in front of others. He's the only one who can really get away with it, too - not just because Hiei doesn't want another warrant but because Kurama is such a close friend (have to make *some* allowances, right? _)
"This story's making me nervous, firstly because I'm writing it as I go." Who of us doesn't write like that at least sometimes? I know you have started my fic "What Goes Around . . . " Would you be surprised to know that I have been writing that by the seat of my pants? Only the most recent chapter (#6) actually had an outline and that only because it was imperative that I know the order of events. You'll see what I mean when you get there. Otherwise, all I have even known beforehand about the story is that "the good guys win and the bad guy goes down." What story doesn't end that way? Well, there are plenty of examples but still . . . I have literally been discovering the story as I go. What I'm trying to say is don't be afraid or discouraged. You have something pretty cool going here. Two thumbs up!
Now on to Chappie 3 . . . _
| DragonDancer5150 10/7/04 . chapter 1
LMAO! OK, I can almost see this actually happening. If it did, though, this is exactly how it would play out! I don't usually read humor fics because they pretty much all go terribly OOC, almost without exception, but you prove that a hilarious scene can be played out while still keeping the characters wonderfully IC. Muchos kudos!
As for improving your writing, I can honestly say that I cannot see how. You show an unusual (for fanfic writers, anyway) grasp of spelling, grammar, punctuation, syntax, etc. Perhaps if I read back through with the explicit intention of looking for what might be improved, I *might* find something but nothing jumped out at me and that is rare. Joke in my family is that I should have been an English teacher. _
Again, very well done. An excellent start here! DD
| AngelofElements 10/2/04 . chapter 4
newest chappie is SUPERB! oh, the magic eight ball of doom. it shall bring the oni so much pain. that is, if the detectives don't kill Koenma first.
| whowhenwhatever 9/25/04 . chapter 4
I most honestly must say that you are quite talented. You have a wonderful gift with words, and suprisingly you don't come off as too verbose at all. I have enjoyed reading you story thus far, and encourage you to continue. I note that even though you are writing spur of the moment, that everything is coming out very well organized. I'd also like to add, that with your talent I believe you would do well in any genera of writing that you venture into. Lastly I'd just want to state that as erudite as this review may seem, I am not, and would be happy just to rise to your status with my own writing.
Please find time to update soon.
| Magus Black 9/25/04 . chapter 4
| AngelofElements 8/27/04 . chapter 3
A VERY funny fanfic. I love all of the chapters, and can't wait for the next one to come out!
| Animoon 8/26/04 . chapter 3
*thumbs up* _ your the best_ keep up the good work_ i dont even have half the vocabulary that you used_ ok _ bye_
| Wild Roses 8/26/04 . chapter 3
*bursts out laughing* That was GREAT! So funny, and I LOVE your writing style! The characters are all IC *clings to Kurama* and it's...just funny! XD Update soon, you're on my faves list!