it's moko takabisha-do your homework.

um... putting the persons name after the sentance is lazy and makes the writing seem hasty and sloppy, more detail is required. sorry but truth is truth.

uh...it seems like a good story, but i can't concentrate...what with naming who said what thingie you did. feels as if i'm reading a script. you're dialogues are nice, but instead of putting names into it...you could put it into context. add some descriptions and stuff. sorry, not trying to flame you or anything..it's just that the thing you do with dialogue really put me off the story.

Ok, the premise of the story seems good. But as much as I'd like to read the entire thing it's way to hard to get past the reverse scripting.

One thing to note is that stories in script format are technically not allowed on the site.

Also your actions are very punctuated, meaning they lack any real feeling and they don't flow well, nor do they give any insight as to what they're reactions internally which could be very different then what they say.

Good potential story wise, lacking in story telling.

Ive tried to write a review for this fic for quite a while. And I'm still not sure if I can do it without swearing.

But I'll try.

Currently I'm attempting to reread it. Mainly because I cant remember much of what took place in the story as I struggled to get through it. And I do mean struggle. It took me 5 days to get through this. And considering it took me only 2 days to get through the truth and the tempest, that is saying something.

From what i remember the story is OK. Not great but not bad either. What is bad, and I say bad because I cant put my real feelings down without getting banned, is the rest of it.

What do i mean by that?

well. nearly everything that is said doesnt give any indication as to the emotion the person who said it was feeling.

for example. "Wudya do that for" Ranma who was now a very wet she

First off is Ranma Angry?? Annoyed?? Extremely P*ed off?? Disgruntled?? Resigned?? WHAT THE HELL IS HE FEELING.

Secondly Grammer. A question. Do you know what grammer is? You certainly dont seem to use it much, if at all. Sentence structure leaves a lot to be desired too. 'Ranma who is now a very wet she' I understand what you mean but the way its written is just so, well, WRONG!

Another thing

When you describe what is taking place you just list things.

Yet another example

Ranma got up from her bedroll and promptly went to the bathroom to get some hot water. She dowsed herself with hot water and the usual changed occurred. Ranma then went back to his room and put on a red shirt and black pants. He then grabbed his school bag and proceeded downstairs. When he got downstairs Akane was waiting for him by the door.

I can list things too. Its easy. My Alarm went off. I opened my eyes and reached over to turn it off. Because it was 6:30am I turned on my light then sat up. First I put on my left sock, then my right. Then I put on my boxers and stood up. If your still reading this and havent fallen asleep, congratulations.

And what is it with the Monk A, Monk B, Girl A, girl B etc, etc

Is it that hard to think up names??

Am i being cruel?? I dont know. If the author of this work is Aged 11-14 then this story is just about acceptable.

If however this story was written by someone aged 15 or over then... Well you have my sympathy. And I'd certainly think about attending some classes if I were you.

What do you know I didnt swear very much. Youve got a fairly good story going for you here. All you really need to improve you actual writing skill so you can do it justice.

Is this a flame? I dont think so. Ive certainly listed things that are wrong with the fic but also given examples.

Oh, and in case your wondering, no i havent listed everything that is wrong with the fic. I havent got that much room.

THE BOTTOM LINE

There is a good story here but it seems to be lost amoungst the bad grammer, the 'shopping list' of things going on and the knowledge that if the rest of the fic is in the same style as the first chapter, then your going to spend about half your time trying to work out what the author actually means and what the characters are feeling.

Good points?? Well actually getting Ranma together with two of the Tendo sisters in an almost believeable way has gotta be worth something.

well, this story was extremly OCC, weird, you broke the rules of ranma 1/2 universe( maybe all of them), it was really creepy...
but i still liked your story, even thought your writing style.

good story few mistakes. AND WAAT DID NABIKI DO TO MAKE HIM SO OVERWELLEMD BY THE WORD ANYTHING

u are an evil person wat did nabiki and ranma do after that it didnt tell us about

I like it.. Nabiki is among my faves for pairing with Ranma.. Keep writing.

"Ryoga, you've been down every road."

Just classic.

Wow... Akane cook a splendid dish?
This must be the twilight zone.
Or you've booted Rumiko-Kami's laws, and place your own.

You know that Akane can't cook is a mandate place there by Rumiko-sama herself, don't you?

well i finished it. gotta love the happosai scene. how about when you rewrite it, (which i hope you try) why not go R and spice it up a bit.
hentai;)
besides, he's got 2 sex crazed women right.
i also feel theres a little too much enficis on having children. Tofu's just goin to allow all these unexpected pregnancies without so much as a wisper about birth controll!
just constructive criticism...really.

I CANT BELIEIVE RANMA SCREWED NIBIKI AND AKANE AND THEIR BOTH OK WITH IT! crazy. well i just finished chapter 10 and i have to decide to get some sleep or read more. the only other thing is you made the sex seem so mechanical and ruined the romantic effect by having the same place and position used. plus you cant tell me 2 virgins arent going to notify the whole house from the furro. mabe i wrote too much. mike

Umm ok what do I post here but WOW. That has to be the most unique version of a love triangle used in ranma 1/2 I had read that wasn't a out and out lemon. Loved the story. There where grammer and spelling issues through the story and puting their name at the end of the line could be confusing at times. Nothing that took from the story, but would have made it easier to read if they where fixed. Oh yeah one last thing again. WOW good story.

Gave it a shot and had to stop here. First thing that has to be mentioned is the reverse Script format. I'm sure if this intentional or not but it's annoying the hell out of me. Next is that even though you have quite a bit written, it's like there's no life in the story. I'm not sure if it's me, but i've had to struggle through the last couple of chapters. Well i could get into more detail, but it' would be a little insulting, so i'll quit there.

Sorry i couldn't get into it. :S