Good story. Nice to know that the old school games are still good enough to get some fan fictions writen about them. I loved the way you comically described what was happening, but I had some trouble figuring out the setting of the story. And you should begin a new paragraph whenever someone speaks. Unless one character says mere than one sentence, then you can group the sentences together. (Example: "Hey" joe said. "You dropped something". These two sentences would be in one paragraph together.