Chapter twenty-four: Wow... either you're a literary genius or you've experienced what Nikita just went through mentally... or you somehow managed that on dumb luck, but I doubt that.
Chapter twenty-five: ... (...) ...; I cannot form words for how I felt over this chapter. Holy goodness I think I've just fallen in love.
Chapter twenty-six: ...If I keep feeling like this how am I supposed to write reviews? I cannot overstate how much I absolutely loved reading that! Not with all the positive words in the dictionary. Seriously, I've been smiling and laughing, and just plain bursting with happiness, for about two and a half hours. Now I'm supposed to steel myself for chapter twenty-seven?
Chapter twenty-seven: A very abrupt change from the last two chapters, though I should be use to that in this story. An oddity, LeFay and LeFey, he's called LeFey earlier in the story but here he's called LeFay.
I like this chapter more for filling in Gomora's first encounter with LeFey rather than LeFey's second encounter with the Predators. For as much fear as LeFey was capable of instilling it really doesn't feel the same for the Predators; maybe because it's untold how much power they have, other than simply physically, short of them coming after someone, like in Before Perfection, they don't seem to command any political or social authority. It seems like if you get on LeFey's wrong side he'd crush you, your family, and your business, which made it very dangerous (precarious) for Gomora and Nikita, but the Predators seemed to lack this... maybe I'm just over thinking on a loose story end.
Well the chapter is still good, but it's an extremely evil cliffhanger that's been haunting this story for years!
Final thoughts: (What might've been my only review had it not been for my crying at chapter one.)
Ever since I first read this story, just after you put it on hiatus in 2008, I've considered it one of the best stories I've ever seen, that includes every story-telling medium; TV, movies, books, videogames, etc.
And now that I've reread it... I think I like it even more. Some things in the story didn't come across to me the first time but this time I feel like I really felt the whole story; and when I say felt I really mean it, somehow with your stories (Elisir and Before Perfection.) I was able to feel them. I could feel the emotions of the characters, not just that they were present in the story but that I, myself, experienced them along with the characters; and more than just connecting with the characters and feeling for them but really... like what I said up on that chapter twenty-five review, they were my emotions.
That feat alone would easily make this a standout but that's not all that's here, you wrote an excellent story that is unbelievably detailed, well thought out, and an absolute joy to read, even though it took me eighteen days to (re)read through it it didn't become annoying or even close to boring. There's a lot to say about the length of this story too, it never felt like you were just padding for content, even with the obvious filler/fluff chapters, you went at a pace that cohered to the characters, really went with their pace and never seemed to force anything as an author.
The characters here are extremely likable, just like real people there're reasons to like and dislike just about everyone, sorry but the Predators don't really come across as characters they're just like... a force, maybe you wanted them that way as you did describe them as a wall... not even creatures. The rest of the cast, as I kind of mentioned throughout my reviews, has hosted a lot of good characters, even the minor side characters like Erin and the various shop attendants, one which Nikita even compares his life with.
You've even got your own planet. Yes, you took a fandom which, although is a sci-fi with aliens, has no real off Erath locations and made a huge intricate planet with its own technology, crosswalk of species (Which you also had to make up.), history, and economy. I'm pointing this out not because it was all that great or original, or that it really played a very large roll in the story, (Although it was much better done than many other stories as far as fan fiction goes.) but because it's something substantial that you took the time to make, along with everything else.
Another thing about the length of this story is simply looking back and seeing how far along it came, even if it's unfinished; at times it was kind of surreal and I had to ask myself 'Is this really the same story of the experiment in the brothel?', really as I 'look' back and see how far Nikita came away from that, and Jumba's lab, it was really less of a 'story' and more of the entire life events for the character. I mean, a movie will generally feature an event, as in one, even if they take a really long time to tell the story, like Lord of the Ring's three movies, it doesn't feel like a life-story, despite it's epilogue, it was just about destroying the ring. For Nikita, I imagine, if Hollywood were to turn this into a movie they'd probably start at chapter two and end at chapter nine, skipping chapter six, and then say that the whole story was told because the 'major' event was over...
Anyway; I guess it's clear by now that I loved this story so thank you, The Great Red Dragon, for having written, shared, and left this story here for me, and others, to find, read, thoroughly enjoy, and reread to enjoy again!
Chapter twenty-one: Edit find... Niki(More than 100 matches)ta(8 matches) I find that really funny for some reason... Anyway it's hard to justify such music here after the complaints against rap, though it makes sense considering Gomora's job.
So, Argo, does a thirty foot tall creature really need to wave from just across the street? (Ok I don't remember if it said how tall he is but I like to think of Gantu in the first movie.) Also, now that I think about it, how was Nikita crossing those streets with the "hollowed pits" lanes before?
Chapter twenty-two: Now this is the, in the lab, flashback I remember; we don't get to see that note do we? (Also I doubt it made its way to Jumba but that would be interesting to see.)
This chapter drips with that awesome 'intimate' thought process that you're so good at writing. I like how Nikita shows, or I should say has, his naive side here but still notes that it could be "run-of-the-mill" for experiments, considering Auron. This whole chapter is making me wonder how the cast of Love and Burden would act to him, and I really mean 'act' aside from what they'd actually think of him.
Chapter twenty-three: Mercifully he's distracted... This is where we see Gomora's real status, how he's living a life that's in everyway as trapped as Nikita's was; he's allowed many more amenities than Nikita, but he's stuck doing things he doesn't want...
I don't want to put spoilers of any sort in a review, (At least not too many.) I just want to point out how important the juncture of this chapter was, and how well written it is.
Gomorra is well mannered enough but his disdain bleeds trough his dialogue, and LeFey's trust of him seems dependent, like he needed to see Gomora, not just to give orders or congratulate him, but to assure himself that things were alright... I think Gomora has more affect on Lefey than he knows, but that's random speculation.
Personally I think LeFey is an excellent villain because, even now, I don't really know if I hate him or not; (Which I really should have pointed out back on my chapter seventeen review.) there are so many reasons to dislike him but there're almost as many to actually like him... or at least excuse him; and the sheer amount of fear he permeates is, well, frightening.
Chapter eighteen: Well this chapter is shorter and a bit less 'involved', but I like how this story has different 'speeds' to its chapters; depending on the character featured, as well as their mind set, and tone of the scenes, it all helps to keep the overall story form becoming repetitive. You might have been able to write this better but ultimately it is well written and the emotions and reasons still come across.
Chapter nineteen: This one's hard to read, one of the more "heart wrenching" ones, because I have to agree with both of them; Nikita is right to be mad and Gomora is right to have been scared, and above all the truth might tear them apart so they had to fight about it.
I do wonder how Nikita got into Gomora's room and then into the bathroom, that scene must've been awkward...
Chapter twenty: I've been waiting for this one... I don't consider this an action chapter, it's stealth. (The differences would be obvious in a videogame.) I like how Gomora's all flustered and can't stop thinking about Nikita through any of this. I also like the use of two perspectives; from Bax's view Gomora seems so professional and infallible but since his own viewpoint showed how many mistakes he made it reinforced that he's still mortal and bound by physics, instead of just saying 'he's an experiment he has superpowers.'
I don't like the reasoning behind the murder... though I'm not supposed to this is the villain's work, but since it's performed through Gomora... well I just don't like it.
Anyway, this is an exceptional piece, the amount of detail and story told is staggering. How is it even possible to write a chapter this long that's only got one scene, and it's not tedious, it's enthralling!
Chapter sixteen: Smjuga, I don't know what this means or even which language it is, and this reminds me that there were some chapters of Love and Burden which also had odd, seemingly foreign, titles; so what are they?
...Uh I don't want to comment on most of this... it's mostly all social commentary about things I have little to no knowledge of. I will say, again, the writing is still of an excellent standard; the emotions of your stories come across so well... that alone is amazing.
Chapter seventeen: Breathing first talking second... Seriously I was "holding my breath several times" with Nikita's 'big boss' but for Gomora's 'big boss' I need... to just not be there at all; you write intimidating right through the page, it's scary.
If your old author's notes are still relevant to you; I don't think this "progresses too fast" it did tell a lot, and filled in a lot, but the story itself only moved forward a few hours and most of what was said was only new to the reader, not the characters involved, so you didn't ruin anything.
I want to backtrack and mention the first scene. So Gomora has broken his little promise to not enter the bedroom while Nikita is in there, twice, but Nikita doesn't seem to mind too much. Yeah Gomora is "infatuated" that's for sure, but now that the story is more clear about it I kind of regret calling it out before; I should have realized that while this is all very abrupt for Nikita it isn't for Gomora, it's because he doesn't know Nikita's story that he has every right to pursue him.
Chapter thirteen: Yep, these flash-forwards sure are fluffy. When I first read this I thought these were building on some specific day in the future and that something 'big' was going to happen but this is the last one isn't?
Chapter fourteen: This is a much more 'normal' styled third person view, not unlike many other stories, but it stands out amongst the other chapters here for it; the story isn't worse for this but the character descriptions are kind of blunt.
Chapter fifteen: The muddled perspective here is so fun to read, although Nikita is still pretty receptive to recognize DJ Nebular... I mean, I would think he uses a stage voice when speaking to his audience.
Argo... it's always good to have a doctor around, but he just happens to have a breathalyzer on hand? (Wouldn't that be something a cop would have anyway?)
At the end here we see Gomora display his awkward 'helpfulness' in which everything he says sounds so wrong and funny.
-XGFHJ (Sorry three chapters but three lame reviews.)
Chapter eleven: ...Maybe it's because I've read this story before, maybe it's because when I read it the fist time it already had plenty more chapters past this, or maybe it's because of the 'flash-forward' chapters... but whatever it was it never felt like Nikita would kill himself. He just didn't seem to have the resolve for what he was thinking, maybe because he really didn't have that resolve.
If I didn't know better I would say that you were being much too open about Gomora's life-story too soon; but as I remember it it takes an eternity and a half for Nikita to open up in the same manner (...Actually did that even happen yet?) so it balances out nicely, and of course that's aside from what he didn't mention.
You wrote Gomora's, supposed, malicious intent very well; enough for me to still worry, as if the story's going to, magically, be different.
Chapter twelve: I don't even know how it's possible but you achieved spellbinding visual effects in a, non-action, text-only display; really, that 'shadowboxing' swordplay was as captivating to me as it was to Nikita.
On a side note, it reminds me a lot of Soul Calibur, the "spinning sphere of blades" and "corkscrew-dive" being moves of Nightmare and Yoshimitsu respectively.
...Maybe I'm just not very open to the 'love at first sight' ideology but Gomora is kind of sounding like Riley, in that he opens up and seems to want to do anything for Nikita immediately even though Nikita hasn't done anything yet to merit such attention. it would work fine, given Nikita's life-story so far but Gomora doesn't know any of that yet... The Luik acted right, a couple chapters ago, he was only generous with Nikita after the explanation about Mel, even Riley had a half-baked excuse of 'Oh no, I've hurt this poor creature and must see it better!', but Gomora's affection seems to be based solely on the thought of 'He's hot.' or something like it, which is made worse since Nikita was already in love with Mel just two days ago, in the story.
I don't dislike Gomora, or Riley, this is just my tried mind trying to think of something worthwhile to say... I'm not meaning to be insulting.
Chapter nine: It's difficult to read a story through tears... This chapter showcases why I called this story third person and Before Perfection first person, even though (After some thought on it.) they're written pretty similarly, and it's such an excellent third person view, I have no idea how authors can even do this. So much of this chapter is just incomprehensible to me as to how it's written, it's like most of it was experienced through the sense of feel instead of hearing or seeing, as Nikita didn't seem to be living this part just absorbing it; yet the view was more detached form him than it's been before... like, I don't even know, is what I'm saying making any sense?
This is where the story really expands; showing the world outside, detailing the police force, including several new one-time characters, and pushing Nikita on to a new 'chapter' of his life. I don't know if this could be written better, other than fixing the, like, two typos I saw.
Chapter ten: This is a very necessary filling-in of their relationship... Unlike the vast majority of chapters here so far, which make me feel sad, this one makes me feel really content. It's kind of odd that it falls into the story at this point, that goes against the norm of most stories I've seen, but that gives this chapter a unique quality and makes it, seemingly, exist to achieve a very different goal than what most similar chapters of other stories strive for.
Strangely I don't remember this chapter, I thought there was only one flashback-chapter to the brothel and this wasn't it.
Chapter seven: Okay, that's definitely more lusty but still fairly tactful... sorry not much to say, though it is pretty flawless.
Chapter eight: You got me crying... this is easily one of the most powerful single chapter's I've read, ever. Although this is also the first chapter in this story that might actually need some editing, many more typos than the rest of the story so far but it still maintains a very high standard, it is an amazing display of action in text; these scenes are vivid, frightening, and engaging.
The pace alone is handled superbly; the actions drop to an absolute standstill and the suspense immediately kicks in, when the actions return it feels like the action and intensity never left, the grisly imagery is as effective to me as it was to the characters, and the life-shattering outcome tops it off painfully. (I mentioned masochism before, and note the 's' on actions I meant the characters moving in the scenes.)
It seems I remember almost every detail of the chapter but still it surprised me, when I read it before I don't think I appreciated the action of it all; I mean I didn't think of this as one of the better action stories that I've read... of course this is the only action orientated chapter, as far as I remember.
Random note; I once saw a you tube video with the song 'Umbrella' by Rihanna and I equated that song with this story/chapter.
I hope that makes up for the lame chapter seven review, only two chapter this time... I've got to go to bed.
On chapter four: It might sound perverted but this is one of my favorite subjects to read, sheer love amidst lust... well little to no lust, but that's just it, that love can outshine lust. I especially like that this is written so tactfully, it makes reading an otherwise explicit situation very easy and not at all upsetting. I'm sorry that I'm not commenting on the first half of this chapter but I'm really not very good at writing reviews and can't think of anything for it, but I will mention that your writing standard is excellent and that I didn't see any typo's here.
Chapter five: Knowing what's to happen hurts, that last line hurts... and Nikita hurts so much more. Well the writing here is something I marvel at every time I see it, being able to write a whole 'full' chapter based on one little question or idea, I think of it as 'writing so much with nothing happening', I mean only a few minutes passed in this chapter but there was so much in it.
There's Nikita in the lab, thoroughly not enjoying it, though maybe he was 'well-adjusted' and enjoyed himself before this... I think I remember there being an author's note later in the story saying that Nikita's number is different then what has been used but aside form that I see no typos.
Chapter six: A very inspirational chapter, this is why my story, Experiment 018, has it's shower scenes, although mine are nowhere near this good. I remember that when I first read this all I could think was 'What happened to Mel!' now I'm just thinking 'I'm so happy for him!', but what's this, two typos in one chapter!
-XGFHJ (Hey look, last time it was logged in! let's see if it works again.)
I'm not going to put up a review for each chapter, individually, but after having (re)read this first one... tears are brimming my eyes, so I'll write along with each chapter and post when I'm done for this night. This, chapter one, is near painfully cute and (Since I know most of what happens.) sort of masochistically heart wrenching.
Ok, on chapter two; it's strange to see the mentioning's of Jumba's lab being so nice and friendly, as I remember it Nikita wasn't nearly so happy in the lab... maybe I'm remembering wrong, guess I'll see when I get to that flashback chapter. I'm not so sure a self-satisfying belief system works... A gun being concealed in leather pants, as baggy as they may be, I can only imagine the gun being very sci-fi and like lighter sized.
Random thought; when I first read this story my vocabulary told me that a commode was a toilet, I remember this was particularly funny when, much later in the story, "the halls were lined with commodes" but with the internet having a convenient dictionary website I was able to learn that it is a dresser... well anyway, in this chapter you use the word "pouf", which seems to refer to the building but I, and the dictionary website, just don't see the connection...?
I found myself holding my breath several times with "the big boss" in the room... but couldn't help to notice the one typo so far "boss's", unless Nikita's saying he'd get fifteen percent of the previously agreed sixteen percent was also a typo... it was hard to tell if that was a typo or if he thought he'd be ripped off.
On the third chapter; maybe I should mention that I 'self-censor' the cusswords, reading over them as blanks, though I try to absorb the effect without actually having to say the words in my mind... I don't think it's detracting form the story I'm still worried over a lot of the events. So, you go a whole 'nother chapter with only one typo, one misplaced a, that's a superb quality standard for an 'amateur' work; which is one of the major reasons why I consider this above so many 'professional' books. Another reason is that you write such an 'intimate' (For lack of a better word.) narration in a third person angle, of the same type that I would usually only see in a first person narrated story, like in Before Perfection or Simon's Experiments.
Well, it looks like that's it for tonight, it took me about six hours to read three chapters...
Oh God, it's Elisir. The story that I read all those years ago and was one of the few that I consider great on this site. Such a well put together story that was genuinely good. I'm surprised I lasted all 150000 words all those years ago...Damn was that a while ago. I think it's been around 2 years since I saw your last chapter and saw that there was to be no more for a while. Such a pity to see the story stagnate the way it has.
It's been over 2 years since you last uploaded a chapter, and it's been over a year since you even updated your profile...so I have my suspicion that you may never return to completely your story. It's a pity, but that's okay. I liked your story, and will probably have a go at rereading it over the next few days, I just wish that it had retained your focus and entertainment.
But I suppose that won't happen now...ah well. Thanks for the great, albeit unfinished, story. I enjoyed it years ago, and I have a feeling I will enjoy it again.
You certainly struck a different sort of aura with the atmosphere a chapter. To be honest, I agree with WatsonSword in that your other style had a solid, more preferable feel. But (and this is not cushioning the critiscm) it wasn't necessarily a bad read. It put me to mind of Ryu Murakami's writing, the reader not knowing exactly what's going on but being deeply disturbed anyhow.
If your profile is to be believed, this will be the last review I'll be leaving for a while. It'll be a happy day when the next chapter pops up in email alert, but until then I wish you all the best in the big shark pool of original fiction! Maybe I'll meet you there someday, when I've mastered all the ins and outs I need to. Good luck, because you're going to set the world alight with dragonfire. Furry wolf hugs aplenty, my friend!
You know, I have to be honest with you. I didn't like that chapter as much as the others. It's not the predator part, (which I expected not to be able to understand, given your previous assertion) but it all just seemed somehow... verbose
The physical descriptions were somehow lacking, replaced almost entirely by narrative. It just seemed a bit difficult –at times– for me to actually picture what was happening. You also made a very common mistake for writers. You relied too much on adjectives and adverbs. Whenever a verb comes up that’s not adequate on its own, try looking in a thesaurus –I prefer thesaurus dot com– for one that’s more appropriate before adding in adverbs. The same goes for nouns and adjectives, but not to as strong a degree. You can get away with lots of adjectives much easier than you can get away with lots of adverbs.
The strength of a sentence is usually proportional to its directness. The blunter and more direct you can make a sentence, the stronger it’ll be. Now this isn’t always true, and throughout this story you’ve demonstrated just how powerful subtle sentences can be. But they’ve always been balanced by an equal number of blunt, direct sentences.
You’ve really dropped the number of blunt sentences in this chapter, and raised the number of subtle sentences so that they dominate the writing.
When there are an equal number of subtle and blunt sentences in your writing, it all just seems to work. And the vast majority of writers can’t make ANY subtle sentences work, so that should say just how good you are. But when subtle sentences dominate the chapter, nobody can make that work.
In third person stories the narrative should always be subordinate to description and action. It should never dominate them.
So that's how Gomy came to work for LeFay, that answers alot of my wonderings, good lord I thought LeFay was going to be raped by that thing. That was some brillantly put together intense scary scenery in that ship with those Preds, I really could see what was going on and it sent chills up my spine. Now I know why I made you my editor for my personal novel, you are just a master of the craft and no matter what new things you write in life I'll always be there by your side to read them. :3 I love you so much baby and see you on the outside of the web. ;)
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