 KHnews hound 5/22/06 . chapter 5Interesting story...if not a bit on the odd side. But, in a way, I also think that it's a good story. Actually, I think that this is a much better way of introducing Repli-Carter than the original show. I wonder if the Season 9 crew will show up soon. Keep up the good work. |
 Nachzes Black-Rider 9/10/05 . chapter 5 Yo, 'tis me here. Sorry it took so long - I've been really busy this summer, and then jumped right into school! I've been meaning to do this for a while now, but I'm back! And it looks as if my computer is opening attatchments again, too!
Okay...onto beta-ing:
"Teal'c ENTER after him, his expression and stance proclaiming his pleasure for what would happen."
-Should be: "Teal'c ENTERED after him, his expression and stance proclaiming his pleasure for what would happen."
"'...Thor-san, this is Malik, Kaiba, and the Tok'ra Bakura.'"
-The "san" in "Thor-san" should be italicized, because it's a Japanese word/thing.
-Throughout the chapter, the "p" in "pharaoh" should always be capitalized.
"'Who did you think it was, Yami-kun?'"
-The "kun" in "Yami-kun" should be italicized. Follow through on all Japanese endings throughout document. (ie: -san, -sama, -kun, -koi, -sempai, -sensei, and -chan)
"No one had lost life points. So it was pretty much a stalemate and Yugi's turn."
-Should be: "No one had lost life points yet, so it was pretty much a stalemate and Yugi's turn."
"'Why do you have that card! Don't you remember that last time we saw it!'"
-Try using a question mark in place of one of the exclamation marks, or if you like them, so this: "?" (you actually can - I've seen it done in literature. Harry Potter, I believe.)
"'... I MEET what I thought was three of them, two with white hair and one BLONDE, but then the younger looking white-haired one disappeared before my eyes!'"
-Should be: "'...I MET what I thought was three of them, two with white hair and one BLOND, but then the younger-looking white-haired one disappeared before my eyes!'" (Blonde is usually used for females, as is brunette, and it's blond and brunet for males, as far as I know.)
"Jack shook his head and walked slowly in a small circle. 'He's BIAS. I still think you're all nuts!'"
-Should be: "Jack shook his head and walked slowly in a small circle. 'He's BIASED. I still think you're all nuts!'"
"'I think I'm mildly jealous and I'd like the Rod back FOR Malik.'"
-Should be: "'I think I'm mildly jealous and I'd like the Rod back FROM Malik.'"
Other than that, lovely. Simply lovely. Ciao, Deah. |
 Spirit Seer 8/1/05 . chapter 5 Woo! An update! This is cool; it feels as if it could actually be a real SG1 episode, this follows the characters and their emotions so well. You are doing a really great job at writing this. How come the Repli-Carter wants to be destroyed if she is different from the real Carter? Or does she feel the same as the real Carter? I'm trying not to remember what happened in "Gemini", that's why I'm not sure. Anyway, great chapter! This one was funny and dramatic :D I look forward to reading the next chapter! (By the way, will Carter stay in love with Kaiba, or will she fall back in love with Colonel O'Neill? I'm in suspense over that and what will happen next!) |