   Pale Rider
2004-08-28 . chapter 1I'm sorry to say I don't like this very much, because it's clear that you put some effort into making sure that it was solid from a technical standpoint. Grammar and spelling are fine, at least as far as I checked, which is a rarity on this site.
However, technical excellence cannot make up for the story's main weakness, which is that nothing particularly interesting is going on here. The characters reveal nothing new about themselves, and what *does* come out isn't presented in a fresh way. The ending with Iruka *does* feel rushed and far too pat, and it is jarring because it doesn't mesh with canon (by this time Naruto would already have the scroll, or at least be preoccupied with thoughts of it). That's not an intrinsic sin, but the fact of the matter is that the canon events present the same revelations in a much more exciting and moving way than you do.
I think your best opportunity to explore new ground here was when Sakura's ribbon fell at Naruto's feet. There was a lot of potential for poignant insight into both characters at that point (particularly given the origin of the ribbon, the entanglements of love it represents, etc.). However, you backed away from that almost as soon as you got into it, and just started retreading tired old internal monologue of a kind that could be found in at least 80% of the stories on here.
I really wish I could say nicer things about this story, as it is nicely polished. But in the end that polish is all it has going for it, because there's nothing new here to see. |
miako
2004-08-28 . chapter 1 I greatly admire your work, far better than anything I can and have created, thus I can not be one to judge. When it comes to writing I am like a tune deaf 13 yr. old forced into a music class (which I was). Apart from that I like that song too, again because of Treasure Planet, I consider that song a wise choice for a sad Naruto fic. |
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