In paragraph two, I would suggest not using cell phone twice. 'Nd if it's in Sakura's POV, I would suggest saying "her father" or something instead of saying "Aiden" Just a suggestion.

'Nd sometimes I'm confused cos of the way you wrote, like, grammarwise. And at the end when you "Not that this is..." I'm confused, cos it just said that Li is 18 o.0...

Actually, Touya is much more older than Sakura. I believe 7 years, probably. Just to let you know. And, um, why is the dad so young? If he were 37 while touya is 22, then that would have meant that he married their mother when he was 15. I thought he was a teacher when he met her when she was 16. And, I figure if you're gonna use Touya, I could give you Aiden's Japanese name too. It's Fujitaka. Oh, and if you want, the Japanese surname is Kinomoto I don't mean to come off as mean, just trying to help.

The story is really good! Write more please.

Awesome! Keep em coming!

Great starting!

this is cool.

Ok, why can't anyone sense the death card? The cards themselves arn't evil, they simply are. Also, engery drained? That's not a medical term. I think the death card would live up to it's name and kill. OTherwise it would be the coma card.

OH? So did she capture the card? Kinda confusing, but other than that it was well written. Write more! Lotsa Love, Jeanette