   I Write Tragedies 8/12/05 . chapter 1-8 years-
The usage of numbers, instead of words, is highly immature and quite frowned upon. Look at the majority of books, most of them do not use numbers at all when they could. That is because it looks a bit vulgar and makes the author appear childish.
-students papers-
There needs to be an apostrophe after "students", since the papers belonged to the students.
-Minerva McGonagall, the Headmistress ever since Dumbledore had retired four years ago, sat in the opposite corner with Madame Hooch, Professor Sprout, and Professor Sinistra, gossiping. They always gossiped before dinnertime.-
Since when is Professor McGonagall the sort of person to gossip? Oh, that's right, she isn't. She is highly out of canon right there. Also, it's Madam Hooch. That is the way that she is referred to in the book. Besides, she isn't French as Madame Maxime was. There is a difference. Please refrain from not paying attention when you read the books.
-The Professors Weasley (Hermione and Ron had been married just before the final battle at the end of their seventh year at Hogwart's)-
Oh dear... I just had to run across one of the worst authors on this site. Obviously, you don't give a fuck about the fact that if Ron and Hermione were still in school they would not have gotten married. Hermione is much too level-headed and mature to be foolish enough to get married whilst still in school. She would have enough to deal with what with her studying for the N.E.W.T.s, other exams, and, oh yeah, a WAR! The very last thing she would be thinking about is marriage, you half-wit.
-And then there was Snape.-
What's with starting off a sentence with a conjunction? J. K. can do it, sure, she's J. K., but you are a horrible fan fic author that should seriously consider never writing again. Cut out the 'And' and capitalise 'then'.
-But Harry had, over the past 8 years worth of afternoons, noticed the way those onyx orbs had watched his every movement.-
*headkeyboard* Honestly... Not only are you a terrible writer with absolutely no regard whatsoever for the characters, but you use cliches as well. Why, oh why, do I always have to run across losers like you on this site? First of all, you used another damn number again. Then you referred to Severus's eyes as 'onyx orbs', which is one of the most irritating cliches in fan fiction. Onyx is a type of agate (a hard, semiprecious stone with striped or clouded colouring) with alternate coloured layers. Not a specific colour and we already know that Severus's eyes are black, you twit. Next time, look up a word before you use it. Just because you see a thousand other idiots running around using that word, doesn't mean that they're using it properly. Buy yourself a dictionary so you quit making the rest of us fan fiction writers look like morons.
-And the staring unnerved Harry.-
*shakes head*
-And, at Christmas that same year,-
Would you please stop that?
-It was then Harry realized he couldn't be selfish.-
First of all, there needs to be a "that" in between the words 'then' and 'Harry'. Secondly, since when the fuck is Harry selfish? All we've ever seen of him is his selflessness. He goes out of the way, puts his life in jeopardy, to save other people's lives. He is not selfish at all. This, coming from an ex-cutter, is completely out of character for Harry. You're not giving him enough, showing enough of his pain, to make it believable that he would start cutting himself. Yes, we know what happened to him, but that doesn't mean shit. You don't show emotions, thoughts, or anything. You can't merely state something and just have it be realistic. Besides, Harry is far too strong willed and determined to hurt himself intentionally to relieve anything. He's the sort that goes out for revenge. He gets angry and he shows it. He doesn't bottle it up. Oh, and Severus hates weakness. J. K. has made that extraordinarily clear in the 6 books that she's finished out of the series. He wouldn't have wanted to get involved with someone who he deemed a lost cause because of their weakness. He either wouldn't have told anyone because he didn't care or he would've made an offhand comment to another professor to get them to take him. He would've been angry, sure, that the boy who's supposed to destroy Voldemort was destroying himself, but he wouldn't have gotten involved. He's not the type.
I have to stop reading this fic. It's absolutely horrendous. You do not know the characters at all and everytime you say something stupid in this fic, which is about every other sentence, I have to stop reading to comment. That destroys the flow of the story and I can't simply not say anything. I'm not an idiot who is going to sit by and watch you get a load of compliments that you do not deserve because people are too afraid of being honest with you. If you don't like what I had to say then I challenge you to prove me wrong. Prove to me that you're not the terrible writer that I believe you are. |
| Mark 12/26/04 . chapter 1 I really like the idea. I like the story too.
I just think that it's only flaw is that it's kind of choppy and underdeveloped. It jumps around. You could have taken this one shot and made an entire story out of it.
I really enjoy your writing, and I think it would be great if you could turn this into an entire story.
The plot is all there, and you could certainly expand on the battle and Voldie's discovery of Snape...and then maybe expound onto Hermione and Ron as well?
With all of the raw materials you have here, you could EASILY turn this into an epic, and with what I've seen of your other writing, so far,[just a little, but enough] I could see this becoming something really great.
I hope you go for it. This has great potential for awesomeness. |
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