this is really good, i'm impressed

I like your description esp. the scene Edward is going to die. I can imagine as if I watch anime. And you described his thought quite well. To tell the truth, I have no idea about this when I watched EP.51^^" Edward seemed no sense when he stood in front of the gate and I felt he had a loss of blood too much he thought about his brother at that time...

I don't think you had to worry about the quality of writing. I think the present tense worked quite well. Where I think the fic is lacking is the fact that we saw all this. You did give character insite (i loved the beginning), but once ed reached the gate, it didn't seem to ring quite as true. I think this is because after Envy disappears, the feeling i got from ed was sadness, yet peaceful. even after he wakes he looks and acts very calm until he realizes that Al is gone. the feeling i got from your fic was slightly more angsty. of course, this is simply my interpritation of the scene.
I liked the part: "Damn it, he couldn't die yet. He had to make sure that Al is alright, that Al would be restored, and that his younger brother would be well taken care of before he is allowed to die." It's the same thought he has in the 5th lab and I liked the way you used it here. it tied into canon and made it seem more real.
I liked it.