OMG what did you do!You killed my one true love! Ahh noo ( crys over Baralai) Well writen even if he is...dea- can't say it!!

wow. That was good. powerfully emotional. I liked it. Alot.
Very well done. I'd like to see more of your stuff!

wow. this is good, but poor baralai! i love him to pieces, too. brilliant story though. i think if i was a fanatic yevonite who found out i was actually an idiot after being possessed by a maniac i'd probably kill myself too. nothing to pick about, so well done!

It's a bit overly angsty. But otherwise, you have a good grasp of vocabulary and the story flows well. I'd suggest toning down some of the more powerful word choices. In writing, less is often more.

Oh wow! Just wow! I don't think you'll get any flames here. I think this is very well done! You captured his emotions very well, and imagery is wonderful. I could see poor Baralai's broken body! Well done!

"Moon shined" No, no, no! "Moon shone."

I have no problem with death, blood and angst. It is one of the functions of creativity to transmute our emotions into bearable form. What I do have a problem with is prose as purple as this. It is possible to express one's pain and anger with fewer adjectives.