Oh, this is VERY cool! I love the way it's written, and you give the reader a new perspective of Syndrome after the jet turbine incident that doesn't seem unbelievable.
Some of the scenes with dialogue seems...flat? Everything else is awesome. It just seems like in some parts, the characters are kind of dead and not doing anything while they're speaking, and that sort of made me lose my attention on the scene.
The hospital scene with the plug was sad, exciting, yet awkward for me to read...But that’s probably because I’m an insecure weirdo. I can see how Syndrome is still sneaky and smart, even after the accident. Keep up the goodness, yo!
This story has an AMAZING amount of potential and you have a great skill for writing. I'm only concerned HOW you express that skill.
You have patience for writing this much, the ability to plan out a worthy plot, and a good idea of how action should be played out. However, you need to work out how you have the characters talk and feel.
While reading the story I remember thinking that the lack of emotion stood out a lot which can lead other readers to become bored and uninterested. Yeah, the characters said some stuff and maybe even shed a tear or two, but that was the most of the emotion. In order to know how a character feels and what they would say, you need to get inside their head - Become an actor! Plan out their traits and apply those to what they would say or how they would react to a certain situation.
For example, my eyebrow shot straight up when I heard this line:
"Bob’s eyes started to tear up and as he placed his fingers in the corners of his eyes he said, “Nurse Lennox, please keep me informed of Mr. Pine’s condition. Here this card has my private line on it, call it anytime day or night. I want to know how he is doing.
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