   Ganheim
2009-03-15 . chapter 3He was to loose a woman whom he considers as a daughter.
[considered]
from his supposedly tomb.
[supposed]
itgave him time
[it gave]
His looked beckoned for him
[look]
will see what she has just experiencing.
[what she experienced]
there Kasumi-Chan,
[-chan is an honorific suffix, and as a suffix it’s not capitalized]
Kasumi answered barely being coherent because of her sobbing.
[Missing comma after ‘answered’]
Nabiki saw Kasumi approached them.
[approach]
She contemplated whether she should on.
[I don’t get it. On what?]
She was much to perceptive
[too]
and threw herself at her mother. Hugging
[I think a comma to join two semi-incomplete ideas would be better than trying to split this into two sentences.]
trying to maintain dignified and get a hold of himself.
[_dignity_, and _keep_ a hold of himself]
Chapter 2
This story is inspired by lack of sleep and too much caffeine.
[Definitely true for most]
along side the ship occasionally jumping.
[‘alongside’. Missing comma after ‘ship’]
return to their rooms. As they were about to face the storm.
[This is one sentence, there should be a comma (to indicate the pause) instead of a period (which indicates a full stop) after ‘rooms’]
-Meanwhile at the ship’s front deck-
[‘deck’ refers to the horizontal level of the ship, like floors of a building. The forward section of a ship (often that which plows through rough waves) is called the ‘bow’, and the forward tip that does the direct movement through the water is called the ‘prow’, though that’s hard to get to and general passengers would most certainly not be allowed there. The most likely place that Nabiki would be washed off the ship would be on the sides, somewhere close to the bow.]
where the people where being counted for.
[Either ‘accounted for’ or ‘counted’.]
into the deck’s floors,
[In this context, ‘deck’ is the horizontal level immediately below the feet. Because of that, saying ‘deck’s floor’ is repetitious, you should use just ‘deck’]
After numerous attempts., finally she had it.
[Extraneous period. I also think the narrative would be much stronger if, instead of the vague ‘after numerous attempts’, you told us about one dangerous attempt: maybe she lets go of the ship and dashes across the slippery deck to snatch it from the water washing over the side.]
She called out to her father. Relief in her features.
[Should be one sentence, separate with a comma instead of period.]
as the ship rocked/ swayed violently due to the waves.
[Be concise here, use either rock or sway but not both.]
He had managed to persuade the ship’s crew to let him outside after telling them that his daughter was still outside of the ship. A few of the crew followed him.
[This is apparent, why not just proceed with him and the crew moving forward instead of jumping back to explain something that already happened? In a scene like this, moving smoothly forward is important, and jumping back like this doesn’t help the story much.]
The ship again rocked, making them slip and slide in all directions.
[This is vague. You can ‘punch up’ the dramatic tension by giving a specific, powerful example.]
He was so close!.
[Superfluous period]
And it looks like the storm wouldn’t let up.
[Verb tense disagreement: most of the story looks like it’s written in past-tense (looked).]
Finally one of the ship’s steward came.
[stewards]
Chapter 3
[Before getting into the chapter, I need to say that the ocean is very far away from the Xincai province of China that the Joketsuzoku (amazons) live in. They’re more a people of the mountains, not the coast.]
Nabiki coughed violently. She coughed up large amounts of water from her lungs as she struggled to breathe.
[Problem: the body will automatically expel whatever water is in the lungs as soon as it can. That means as soon as she washes ashore. If she doesn’t cough up that water right away (even if she does it while not really waking up), she’d be dead before she could wake up. Hours will not pass between washing ashore and spitting water.]
She must have hit her head on something.
[Actually, the oxygen deprivation of nearly drowning and the physical shock of being in a storm would be much more likely than head-trauma. Yes, sometimes she might bump into something, but she’s surrounded by water, it’s not extremely likely to be bruising her. Suffocating, yes, but giving her a concussion, no.]
Why cant she remember?
[can’t I]
Then began to apply pressure on her wounded head.
[wounded _forehead_ or _temple_, maybe?]
sand for quite sometime
[some time]
She didn’t know how long she was walking for.
[how long she had been walking]
Her headache never ceased.
[Actually, whether the headache was caused by blunt force trauma or dehydration or something else, after hours of having it the headache would fade. Trust me, I have frequent migraines, and that’s forced me to learn a lot about headaches; as painful as those are, even they eventually fade.]
She then thrust her palm against his nose. Breaking it.
[A comma instead of period should follow ‘nose’. And a palm-thrust from a weak girl is not going to break the nose of a healthy adult, it’s a lot harder than that. It would definitely hurt, but not break the bone and probably not the cartilage either.]
She will definetly earn
[definitely]
them a lot of money
[_us_ a lot]
Trade Slaving was nothing
[It’s just ‘slaving’, or ‘slave trading’]
we make our way towards Qing Hai.)
[That’s a long way from the sea coast. As in over a thousand kilometers, that would be a respectable plane ride, much less a truck drive, or even less likely by horse-drawn cart.]
I know this roads
[these]
something nasty instore
[in store]
Praying to the Kamis above to protect her.
[I believe ‘kami’ is spelled with lower-case letters, not capitalized (unless it starts a sentence).]
The characterization was different (not bad, just different), but the main problem with your story was a large number of technical flaws – the main issue being grammar. Frequently there would be number disagreement between subject and verb, and you jump from past to present to future tense too often. Stick with one most of the time (past tense generally comes easily to most authors, I personally use the present-tense). |
FanFiction.Net - unleash your imagination
griffenvamp