I have a question.

That boy that Rei wanted to come with her was taken by someone who needed his power. Was that person Yggdrasil by any chance?

Hey, sorry this is a day or so late I had a lot to do since you posted.
This was great. If only it was a part of the regular ToE universe, everyone deserved exactly what they got for ExMas. Asuka was great, even thought it seemed she botched things up everything came out alright for Genis and Presea, and especially Shinji. And Shinji's joke with the runaway cookies was absolutly rich. I got a good laugh out of that. The exploding bag thing was also pretty good. Zelos is such an idiot sometimes, he deserves every little beating he gets. Then again, that's what he's there for, to be everyone's punching bag.lol

Okay, I know who Shinji, Asuka, and Rei are. I also know that it's not in character for Rei to punch people in the face, or smile.

But who are these other people? Is this a crossover?

OK, first a warning, I´m here to flame you and it´s going to be bad, so please be ready.

This continuation lacks the spirit of the story.

First, the descriptions are too weak, some are ok but in the last stages of the chapter it tends to be too many dialogues of the caracters explaining what it´s happening, in my opinion you have to describe what is happening, the dialogues are just for the interaction of the caracters, when eva 2 aweakens and Asuka explains everything about the active S2 engine, it´s lame, sorry to be harsh, but Asuka isn´t supposed to now so much of EVA, that Maya´s job. This is samthing that tends to reapet with oder caracters in different situations during the story.

Second, Tenkei, Rei, Rei2, and oders are too out of caracter, Tenkei and Rei are suposed to be quiet, morose, you can´t start having tenkei cursing or Rei doing lame jokes about traffic, Not to mention that Rei2 lovestruck nature is really inapropied, her caracter should be more inclined to find her place in the world than chasing Shinji. In any case I think you blow it complety by revealing that Kaji/Tenkei thing, that is supposed to be something for the ending or maybe shouldent be explained at all, if explain it like that the story looks cheap.

Third, the story follows the plot all right, but it could do without:

a- Shinji´s introspection, again, wich is uncalled for, shinji already passed all that instrumentaly situation, if you want the story to be something you should move on, add e new conflict or something, without the dreaming, there has been enough of that already.

b- Aoi´s explanaiton of what she really is, I know that the story doesn´t explain to us what she really is but at chapter 17 she does explain to Lyn what she is, it´s a misstake to think that she didn´t explain it to Lyn, he alrready knows and has accepted it. And Aoi´s blaming herself for what happened it´s something that she has get over with, she souldn´t blame herself, in chapter 18 when she talks to Shinji she explains that is his responsability what is about to happen.

c-You open the situation for Gendo and Shinji to make up, Shinji already tried that.

d-Shinji and Asuka reunion, very lame scene, too sappy and crappy (pardon the expresion), making out in front of everyone it´s not so bad but all that fight thing it´s, again, very lame.

e-All that Kaji/chip inside EVA 2 is too out of place, if you want Kaji to reapear, don´t even try it, he is dead, move on, at the most do it through a memory, but meeting him in instrumentality, man it´s not cheap or lame it´s just plain weak.

Fourth, Rei talks too much, Tenkei talks too much, Rei2 talks too much, in fact everybody talks too much and make too many explanaitions, in a story the description, or images are what tell the tale, if you focus only in the dialogues you are having the entire cast explaining again and again what is happening and the plot doesn´t move it gets stuck in what the caractesr know and the only way too move is giving the caracters knowledge that they dont really have, wich led to ooc, wich leds to holes in the plot, wich destroys the spirit and writing style of a great fic.

Finally, this chapter doesn´t stand for what eva redemption is, I have to say that I´ve been waiting to see the story continue, but not if is going to be like this.

My advice to you it´s the next:

Reread Eva-R and Eva:redemption, try to get a grip in the writing style and caracterisation, learn from it, try to get to know the situation and the caracters, and don´t let your desires cloud the reality that the story needs, it´s obvious that you tried to made some sort of happy ending but eva is no like that, not without the fighting, the depression, the emotional outburst, and most the growing that the caracters suffer.

If you really want the "revival" of eva redemption, delete that chapter and start over.

By the way you don´t know me, I´m not a writter but I´m a reader, I know what I like and I know enough about evafiction to give an accurate critic.

Hope you get it right.