  will-o'-the-wisp 5/15/09 . chapter 1 I always like to offer constructive criticism first, and then compliments. First, you shouldn't capitalize anything-except a name-that comes after quoted matter. (For example, the following sentence would be correct: "Are you still lonely?" Zorro asked gently. However, to write, "Are you still lonely?" Asked Zorro gently, is incorrect.) Also, when putting a declarative sentence in quotes, a comma should go at the end of the sentence when you are including the speaker of the quotation. (For example, the following sentence would be correct: "Hello," Starfire said in her usual manner. However, to write, "Hello." Starfire said in her usual manner, is incorrect.) Third, the correct spelling of Han Solo's ship is Millennium Falcon. In your first paragraph, your phrase "unnoticed our resident heroes" doesn't make sense; the correct phrase would be "unnoticed BY our resident heroes." And in your third paragraph, when you were describing Raven's outfit, your phrase "came all the down to form gloves" doesn't make semse; the correct phrase would be "came all the WAY down to form gloves." In the paragraph in which you were describing different types of flowers, you wrote "babies breath," which is misspelled; the correct spelling is "baby's-breath" or "babies'-breath." Near the end of the story, you wrote a sentence that went, "For what seemed hours to her she stood there starring at the beautiful world outside the buildings four walls and listening to the soft music." This stntence doesn't make sense for two reasons. For one, the word "starring" should be spelled "staring"; for another, the word "buildings" should have an apostrophe in it to show ownership (you should spell it as "building's"). Also, in describing Zorro's smile, you called it a "lope-sided smile", when it should be spelled as a "lop-sided smile." And when writing Starfire's thoughts "If she could just see it again maybe she perhaps she would remember," you wrote a sentence that runs together and is somewhat confusing. Finally, when you wrote of Robin "rising down the counter," you misspelled the word "rinsing." The correct phrase would be "rinsing down the counter."
Compliment time! I really liked your wording in this story, like "buying this, wrapping that, and decorating everything in between." I also liked the way Beast Boy procrastinated until he had almost no time left, and finally ended up wearing a dorky costume. In fact, you did a marvelous job of keeping the Titans in character-I especially like the dialogue you wrote up for Starfire, with her lack of contractions and her eloquent way of speaking. The squabble between Cyborg and Beast Boy was well-written, too, and I enjoyed the host of sources you used in describing the masquerade ball-"Tarzan's jungle, the Millennium Falcon, Middle Earth, the 1600s, Welken, every fairy tale ever written, and Greek mythology."
All in all, it's quite nice to read a story like this one-an endearing little tale that's well-thought-out and cleverly worded. Thanks for posting it! |
FanFiction.Net - unleash your imagination 
mobile edition
