Interesting, very interesting. The grammar could've been a bit better. Mostly I think that switching between present tense and past tense isn't a good idea. It just screws things up. XD Also, some words were missing letters. But the general idea behind them is good, so apart from more practise there's really not much that needs to be improved.

I liked the story, though I wished you would've written more about Cara's abduction and such. You described it, but it wasn't as intense as it could've been. I still liked this though. It was a very interesting and original one-shot. Good luck with your future work!

Ja ne!