M'kay. Now I've finished reading. I still wonder why your vampires are so open when they would be feared and hunted just like the vampires portrayed in most literature and legend. Also, how do your characters get stuff from our world? Is there a portal or something? Their language is also very modern English with the "Shut up," "okay," and "he freaks" and the like. Tolkien's language was very Shakespearean. The work "okay" was not created until the mid-late 1800s.

Where are your vampires from since they are obviously not from Middle-earth? If they are, they're some very weird, corrupted by Earth pop culture vamps. Did they find a rip in the space time continuum? Sorry, that was me slightly mocking. Apologies.
Anyway, so far, your OCs and the canon characters seem to be living intwo different Middle-earths. One is the movie the other is some dreamland not even remotely based on Tolkien's Middle-earth. Suggestion? This would make a much better original story. Tweak some of the names and a little of the plot and you'd have your own story and world. You have great personalities for your OCs, but they really don't fit well in Middle-earth considering the legends Tolkien put behind them as part of canon. So, unless your vamps are from another world, you might have to rescript a little.

Thanks for at least attempting to drop a vampire in Middle-earth. Perhaps one day when you get older you'll look back and say, "My writing sucks." I know I did between middle-school and high school, and high school and college. Heck, I've even looked at some of the stuff I've written freshman year of college and noted how much my writing sucked compared to now. With age comes experience, so please do not take offense to the statement.
Keep writing and researching and you'll soon be a published author with your OWN story (which is what I'm currently working on).

All the best,

~Aoi Dragon

I've always pondered dropping a vampire into Middle-earth. I've studied literary vampirism, and you're entitled to your own vampire world.
However, I have to say vampires, according to Tolkien's writings, did exist in Middle-earth and were the spawn of Morgoth who was Sauron's master, aka vampires are 100 percent evil and were mostly destroyed during the First Age.

That said, on to your vampire. Original vampire lore did not allow vampires to become any sort of creature. Sunlight did not make them burst into flames, but thanks to 1922's Nosferatu, the sunlight and flames thing has become canon for most vampire series. Vampires also are not repelled by Christian artifacts since the legends were around long before that religion. Certain herbs, such as garlic and wolfbane, can harm a vampire. A stake will only paralyze a vampire. Silver is like a poison to a vampire.

Telekinesis is the art of moving objects with the mind. Telepathy is the art of reading thoughts.

That's all I have for this chapter. I shall read the next one and send anything else I find.

~Aoi Dragon

woot plz update soon!

"Okay if you think this story is crap DONT REVIEW OR READ IT!"

How are we supposed to know whether we like something BEFORE we read it?

Second of all, if we don't like it, I think we have the right to tell you so. I didn't see any actual flames on the review page- some constructive criticism and a few good reviews, but no actual flames. However, if you are getting a lot of negative reviews, whether flames or just constructive criticism, there's probably a really good reason behind it, don't you think?

ff .net is the type of place where it is expected of people to give helpful hints and or criticism. A lot of people who eventually want to write professionally come here to learn. As such, many ff .ner members will review with constructive criticism, and if you post here, you should probably expect that not everyone will love your writing. Most members really won't bother kissing your butt if they don't like what the read. You especially can't expect people to take you seriously if you don't bother to clean up the many glaring canon and grammar mistakes you've made before you post. I mean, honestly, Rivendale? You've got to be kidding me. Even the DVD spells it correctly. Just go to the scene selection menu, or watch some of the appendices. It's RivenDELL.

My point is that it's completely obvious you really don't know what the heck you're talking about. No wonder you're not getting as many good reviews as you'd like.

i likes it, as usual. hope you can update soon!

its really good and thnx 4 putting me in it! rok on and update VERY soon! bibi

CPDA

wow, this story is the coolest! vampires and middle earth are a very cool combination. i really like Remi and Pheneus's characters, they seem like real people to me. could i be a vampire that appears in Rivendell? PLEASE? e-mail me if ya want ta. well, please update this great fic soon!

Your grammar isn't the best I've seen. May I be polite and suggest a beta reader?

hey lex! its kooleoness! which vamp am i? just askin. well rok on with the fic and update soon!

CPDA

I'm sorry but dis seems great at first glance but u need to look at bit harder at the idea of a vampire.
Look at for more details on lord of the rings vampires etc.
I suggest you person is a shpe shifter if you are going to make it change form.

I love it! its great! it rox! update and put more merry and legolas!! PLZ! rok on grl!!

I highly recommend that you clean up the grammar in your story. The mistakes you've made are so elementary, and not that hard to catch with a word processor and a good beta reader. No one should have to tell you to capitalize proper nouns past the second or third grade.

Your character is incredibly unrealistic. A vampire? Who can turn into a cat? Please. The fact that she is being so open about her being a vampire is also rather unbelievable. I doubt a real vampire would actually advertise herself that way. It'd only serve to frighten people and then the degree of anonymity she would need would be gone...

The use of language is also a little odd, considering we are dealing with Middle-earth. "Touche" is French. "Hikari" sounds Japanese. "Pheneus" sounds rather Greek. Not one of these languages existed in Middle-earth. Heck, English didn't even exist in Middle-earth.

In short, I think you should concentrate on cleaning up the grammar, doing some research on Tolkien's world, and working on your characterization.