   Ganheim
2009-05-03 . chapter 2She'd seen Akane mad, but never this much.
[Ukyo’s seen Akane enraged before, maybe a passing whim causes her to decide to help Akane instead of exploiting the opening?]
she fought with over the baka,
[Unnecessary Japanese]
The girl's tears were too real for that.
[Invalid: Akane is overemotional (and she’s not the only of the NWC to suffer from this)]
or that she was just naturally short tempered and violent.
[She is. Kasumi wouldn’t have said ‘she’s a violent maniac, but she’s really a sweet girl’ otherwise]
"It's not your fault Akane-chan, some people are just plain insensitive
[And some people are just plain oversensitive, and selectively blind]
worrying what the baka
[Unnecessary Japanese]
even all out attacking Akane on her wedding day, ruining the whole thing.
[If you’re going to portray Akane as fed up with and about to break up with Ranma, this is too late to do so. Well before this point, she decides she actually wants Ranma and as many difficulties as she may have she’ll fight to keep him from the other fiancées]
it needs to stop before somebody really gets hurt."
[Too late]
I don't think Kodachi or even Shampoo could ever give up on him.
[It seems that Kodachi doesn’t have nearly the tether to him that Shampoo has (she shows up _drastically_ less)]
Ukyo herself, had only just now
[The comma seems superfluous]
And the Cat Cafe and Kuno Mansion are out for the same reasons.
[I can understand the Kuno Mansion I suppose, but what’s the problem with the Nekohanten? Cologne isn’t likely to interrupt or do anything, and there’s no more people there than there is at Ucchan’s (with Konatsu)]
good for you"
[Interrogative missing its question mark]
if she was going to keep Shampoo AND Kodachi in line that night.
[I think canon has pretty clearly indicated that she’s the least of the three martial-arts-wise]
Chapter 2
continued rolling up her sleeping bag.
[What’s she got a sleeping bag for? “The Dumbest Bet in History” (the Gambling King arc) pretty clearly showed that Ukyo has spare space and sleeping rolls (even if not proper beds/futons) if the guests like Akane needed it]
"Next time just come to me, and I'LL show ya how it's done."
[ Wow, that’s dense of Ranma…though given a comedy, that’s believable]
stared at her for a sec.
[It seems out of place to see that colloquialism in the main narrative]
THIS is gunna go
[It would be nice to see the unvoiced dialog (thoughts) either formatted or punctuated (it’s convention to treat them like voiced dialog, if with slightly different presentation like italics or inverted commas instead of the quotation marks)]
but he can't even STAND me
[I know she might think that on bad days, but I think that even from Akane’s perspective it should be clear that he can at least tolerate her, even if it seems like he doesn’t like her (which is a possible stance)]
(Outside, sitting on top of a garbage can and a wooden crate, Ranma was suffering from a BAD case of jawdrop
[Shouldn’t he have made enough noise that Shampoo or somebody (even without her tracking skills) would’ve heard him? Granted, the pronouncement would’ve put a lot of shock into them, I guess it depends on his luck…which isn’t exactly dependable]
it wouldn't surprise me if he ENJOYS it.
[ “I was Right all Along” takes off with this very interesting premise]
Kodachi had fallen over from laughing her head off.
[But her laughter is a lower haughtier laugh than the sort of diaphragm-straining laughter of amusement, and I haven’t seen description of something otherwise]
that hentai baka.
[Unnecessary Japanese]
(Outside, Ranma fell off of the wooden box he'd been sitting on.
[And nobody notices the noise?]
Saffron and Kirin come readily to mind. The only reason Ranma beat them is because of a fluke, not because he's stronger.
[Very good point]
"Come to think of it, MOST of Ranma's battles have been rather anti-climatic and rather boring when you get right down to it.."
[I wouldn’t nearly say that (or use the double-period), but for the purposes of the story I can swallow the idea]
so when we ARE seriously ready to kill him, he can't defend himself.
[I don’t think this is accurate, nor do I think that they’d think this. Granted, the rest of the story works well enough, so trimming this line wouldn’t hurt anything]
Gently grabbing her face with both hands, Shampoo kissed the youngest Tendo…What she actually did
[I have to call a ‘BS’. That’s too far for suspense of disbelief]
Good timing, ne?)
[No, this effective mid-chapter author’s note was not]
"Shampoo like you, too."
[If this is a joke, it’s already broken the mood possibly irretrievably. If this isn’t, then it’s way too far for suspense of disbelief]
you.. HENTAIS!"
[Unnecessary Japanese]
and wear robe like dress.
[It’s not a ‘dress-like robe’, it’s common clothing in the Far East. The fact that people don’t dress like that in _your_ town doesn’t mean that your little city’s culture exists across the whole world]
Wow, way to take canon and butcher it. Ukyo may have found Ranma’s curse amusing, but Shampoo’s always been quick to revert Ranma to his true form and she wouldn’t have been so if she preferred his girl form. Akane’s always consistently shown behavior that could mildly be called ‘unnerved’ at Ranma’s curse |
FanFiction.Net - unleash your imagination
