  The Biggest Critic
2005-04-16 . chapter 3 Hmph. Only because your user name was so bleeding obvious that I couldn't HELP but notice the story.
I actually meant to do this critic earlier but... meh...
Right, well to start off with, I think you've got a decent plot going. You may now fall over in shock and check my tempreture to see if I'm feverish.
thankyou. Now that we have concluded that, for now and by all appereances, I do appear to be sane and healthy, I shall get down to my favourite part of these reviews.
The CRITISCISM! Ahh, what would I do without it?
First and formost, the chapters are too bloody short and you don't update often enough. This isn't a critiscism so much as it is an honest fact. Usually, I don't actually read stories until they've got a bit more length on them, it just makes it easier for me to get involved because I'm not constantly having to stop and wait and then start reading all over again. Over 50 words isn't that bad for just three chapters though, I suppose.
A question that springs to mind, why bother mentioning the fact that it features *Hufflepuff Harry!*? Seriously. Do you have any idea how annoying that is? What possible use is there in mentioning it? And for that matter, why not mention *Gryffindor Harry!*, *Ravenclaw Harry!* or even *Slytherin Harry!* After all, fair is fair and favouristism and housism is looked down upon.
Apparently. I have been relibly informed of this by various people but I have yet to find anyone who put it into actual practice. This has, for some remarkable reason, not surprised anyone to whom I've explained this to.
Little titles are not, useful.
They are not helpful.
They are not entertain or pleasing to the eye.
They are bloody annoying. Cut it out. If you HAVE to do it, for whatever odd or bizare reason, like actually ~helpfully~ pointing out what possibility we are currently experincing, that's fine. You do not need to say "Stepping onto train" We can TELL that they are on the platform, not because you tell us with the title, but because it's mentioned in the very next line with "Inside the safety of the barrier..." thus rendering the title obsolete in any case.
I do realise that the story is probably going to fill out a bit more with character depth and detail explanations coming later. That doesn't stop me from getting annoyed when I can't work out what's going on, or what happened to make the Gryffindor Harry that we know and love become the... Hufflepuff... that appears in chapter three. And yes, OBVIOUSLY, a bit of confusion is necessary to make it more realistic and causing us to be able to identify with the characters who are ALSO confused as heck. But still, I just don't think the flashback scence really fits there, although granted it was a good way to get the actual sorting across.
And I do like the sorting hat theory, you covered that nicely.
Just about the only other major thing is that there are a fair few spelling errors, most notably your instead of you're.
There are some more, little details, but I'll wait for more chapters to come up and see if they clear up naturally.
Toodles,
Da Critic of Draffiness (Non omnis moria) |
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