  Toa of Literature 2008-08-18 . chapter 1 okay... just a few things I noticed in this first chapter that kind of bugged me.
this is a story. Yes, I know it's a fanfiction, but it's litterally a story. The second movie was Turaga Vakama's tale of how they escaped from Metru Nui and how they became first toa, and then turaga.
Parenthases. they can sometimes be good, but are mostly bad. Especially in fanfiction. If you read some of the really, really good stuff, stuff neither of us would be able to write in our wildest dreams, there are no parenthases, unless in notes at the beginning, or end, or under special circumstances, such as the character is reading a note left for them by a friend, etc. most things that are put in parenthases can be changed so they work outside them.
Rushing. Rushing is a bad thing for any Fanfic. If you go too fast, readers won't take the time to read and see all the work you put into the fanfiction, even if, like in this case, it's a form of novelization of a movie, comic, or something of that nature. You should take your time with each chapter, yes, you should make an effort to have it out soon so you don't make your readers angry that you aren't updating. If you take it nice and easy while writing, you come up with much better ways to describe things, much more detail, and different ideas on how to make the story even better.
While this fanfic is a form of novelization, where you take a movie or something like that and turn it into a story, you have altered it by making everyone human. This dosn't mean that this is earth, as the matoran world, in itself, only has one landmass on the surface: Mata-Nui. The rest of the world is covered by an endless ocean. Metru nui, Voya nui, etc. are all contained within 'domes' of earth under the surface of the planet, within the world's second layer, while the center of the world is Karda Nui, the center of the matoran universe. Yes, the matoran world is, in essence, a galaxy compact into planet form, with only a moon and star orbiting it, yes, this means the red star dose orbit the planet, to a degree.
The final thing that bugged me are the facts that Krekka, due to his biomechanical appearance, appears as a lizard of some sort, but is actually a Bear-like creature, and Krekka WAS a toa, not from metru nui at first, but remained there to protect the island after the Kanohi Dragon was defeated and shipped to another island, Xia I believe. However, after Nidhiki betrayed Lhikan and the other toa managi, he joined the dark hunters, who transformed him into his current form. While a toa, he was a toa of Air, carried a Wind Scyth, and wore a Kanohi Volitak, more commanly known as the Great Mask of Stealth that Nuparu Mahri wore while battling the Barraki for the mask of life.
hope this can help and dosn't sound like i'm trying to thrash your fanfic too much. Constructive crits are a good thing if you learn from them, study these words and see if you can pick anything up.
Sincerely,
Toa Takomu, Toa of Art |
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