Reviews for Marauders and McGonagalls

Reviews For: Marauders and McGonagalls - Reviews: Page 1 of 12

seasidexbreeze 2008-02-27 ch 1,	abuseI really want to keep my criticism constructive. Please forgive me if I hurt your feelings or anything; it's not my aim. I would like to help out a bit. I get that it's not a canon fic. That's fine. Your portrayals of the characters, however, are still terrible even if you aren't going by canon, particularly the portrayals of Sirius and Remus. It is common to read a fanfic where Sirius is a bit of a womanizer, but this was just awful. And Remus? Just...ugh. The names 'Sapphire' and 'Jessie' made me laugh hysterically. They are very unrealistic. I suggest looking up a list of popular names from that time, or at least using normal names. Oh, and her psychic cat, Lupine? I get that she likes Remus, but naming the cat after him is a bit much. Even if you absolutely wanted to make it perfectly clear that she is obsessive, make the name a bit more cryptic, or at least something realistic. The dialogue is horrific. "I like danger"? Just no. The comments in the parentheses are completely unnecessary. "Peter was, as always, clueless" is not only a bit annoying because you have already made it clear that you don't like him much, but it's telling me, not showing me, his personality. There was no need to tell me about Sapphire's parents naming her because of her eyes - I got it. While on the subject of character descriptions, I feel I should tell you that you write too much. If you really want to tell me about Jessie's hair, okay. Mention the eyes later. Is Sapphire "known for her golden hair and curvy figure"? That's just fabulous, but I really don't need to know it unless it's relevant. Maybe Sirius could have commented on those attributes later? Fix your summary up a bit, too. I found this fic in the first place through a website talking about the worst fanfiction summaries. Seriously. I hope I help a bit. I'm sure that if you practiced, you could do much better. - MaryKate.
emuroo 2007-03-08 ch 42,	abusei can't wait to see how james responds. i love this story.
the-only-english-rose 2006-12-22 ch 42,	abusewow. This story is really amazing and it is also a very good length. I was so transfixed i stayed up all last night reading it, untill my dad came downsairs at half past 1 this morning and told me to go to bed, so i didnt get a chance to review then. it is so good, i really hope you write more! Happy Holidaysx
pheobs61 2006-10-30 ch 42,	abuseYes, finally were starting to get to where the past meets the present!! how are you going to incorporate these new charecters? You're not going to kill them are you?? Ahh...The good deatheater must be Snape. That can't be the only reason Dumbledore trusts him? There's got to be more! I can't wait for an update!! Great Job! :)
Pheobs61 2006-10-27 ch 38, anon.	abuseOh! I found you! :) Great chapter! It's been so long I had to remember what it was all about. I love the reappearence of the Pink Picnic Basket! and the kitty...I almost forgot about him. looks sheepish
KATi HEARTS EDWARD CULLEN 2006-09-04 ch 1,	abuseWow, so I assume that all the girls in Gryffindor are absolutely gorgeous. I mean, Sapphire and Jessie seem to be stunning, plus their friend is pretty too. Sorry, but this is very, very, very Mary-Sue.
ONIXKNIGHT 2006-08-11 ch 42, anon.	abusemagnificco!!
Quick like bunnies 2006-08-11 ch 42,	abuseI love this story!
The Kiss of Death 2006-08-11 ch 42,	abuseI wonder how James is going to take the news?Update soon!
ladyBlue Wolf 2006-08-11 ch 42,	abuseHWOOT! Harry's on the way! -Peace.
ladyBlue Wolf 2006-07-31 ch 41,	abuseYAY! -Peace.
ONIXKNIGHT 2006-07-29 ch 41, anon.	abuseAh at last my addiction is qilled for the time being great chapter.
Ame Torturee 2006-07-29 ch 1,	abuseThis is honestly the most awful thing I have ever read. And that's quite a feat, since there is a lot of crap on fanfiction. First off, the two madeups are complete mary-sues. Sapphire McGonagall? I quote: "She was also known for her golden hair and curvy figure." If you submitted this to a mary-sue reader, it would flash bright red and probably explode. Have you never had basic english classes? You show, not tell. You never say "It was raining." Instead, you should say, "Paul looked out of the window, water streaming down the pane." Because, as far as I know, McGonagall had no neices. They were never mentioned, just as JKR never mentioned that Voldemort has a long lost daughter. I wonder why that was. Perhaps because JKR never intended McGonagall to have neices and never intended for Voldemort to have a daughter. I must also note that your portrayal of the marauders was horrific. There were four Marauders. Peter was not just some random kid who followed them around. Do you think Remus would have told some random annoying kid who followed them about his biggest, terrifying secret? No. He would only have told people that he /trusted./ They wouldn't have helped Peter to be an animagus unless he was their friend. Perhaps he was fat, perhaps he wasn't very bright, but he was a Marauder. One of a select few. Trusted, and a friend. They said they would have died for him, in the third book. They would have died, rather than betray him. And as far as I can tell, people don't say that just about the annoying fat kid who they don't like. Peter was their /friend./ Sirius wasn't a womaniser. If you notice, in the fifth book, a girl was trying to get his attention, but he wasn't paying attention. He didn't care, he was devoted to his friends. Remus. Gosh. Where can I start on Remus? It was too terrible to even try and give you some constructive critisism on your portrayal of him. So, basically, take out the madeups, and change your portrayals of the canon characters and get a decent plot. And then maybe this would be decent and wouldn't make my eyes bleed.
Carnivalgirl 2006-07-29 ch 41,	abuseOh Amara...of course I'm still reading the story! Goodness, she is the cutest thing. How old is she now, about two? Bless...I kind of want to draw her now. Anyway, I loved Sirius's last line, and I'm really sad to hear about Sapphire's parents' attitude. I hope something happens to make them bond to their granddaughter. Is Amara still mute? Anyway, James and Lily's wedding! I can't wait to see it! Please update soon...
omfg it's sophie 2006-07-29 ch 1,	abusei think i want to kill myself. seriously. this is one of the worst things i have ever, ever read. here's some constructive stuff: okay, where's the canon? mcgonagall has never had any neices in the marauders year according to canon. and even if she did, i highly doubt they'd be call saphire, which hardly counts as a name, and jessie. secondly, wtf is on with the lack of peter? peter was ACCEPTED by the marauders, that's how he BECAME a marauder. i hardly think they'd let some fat little tag along become an animagi. thirdly, you can't potray remus. you just... can't. and sirius isn't a womaniser. it's just logic. i've got a large theory about it. i can't be bothered to explain it here. i do hope this helps. i'm not reading anymore of this. i may die. -red

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