It's an interesting pairing, but you need to work on your grammar a bit more.

Plural something does not have an apostrophe (') before the s, keep an eye on the linebreaks, that kind of thing. Keep an eye on the tone as well. You're allowing you as an author's voice to show up a bit too much to allow the charectors to be properly charectorized.

I'm sure you will get better with time and experience, so keep writing.

Red

errghh... the fluffyness is so addicting o_O :D Nice job of course