A hundred chapters, and finally writing a review! Really though, this is an excellent story. The writing is of professional quality, the charecters and their reactions are believable, and the action sequences are just bloody cool to read. Before this story, I use to look for good fics based on reviews per chapter, the most prominent example I can think of being Guardian, by Black Dragoon, and its 28 chapters, accompanied by about a thousand reviews. When I started The Road to Cydonia nearly five months ago, I was a little skepticle, due to my ingrained habit of judging by the number of reviews per chapter (about 4). After readin through 99 chapters of action, drama, and some of the most WTF plot twists I've ever read, I've rethought my ideas on reviews. Reviews are all fine and dandy, but TRC speaks for itself. This is more or less an online novel, and most can't be bothered to leave a review after every chapter. Just look at me, reviewing right after chapter 100! Regardless, this is a must read for not only Ranma fans, but also anyone with a sc-fi bone in their body. Really something that fans of franchises like Halo, or Mass Effect could learn to love, even if they don't know the Ranma series all to well. Again, great story, and can't wait to see more. Now I'm off to read Reflections Lost on a Dark Road!
I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, but when I read the "big reveal" about Shigenosuke's martial arts calligraphy being based on ellipses instead of circles and how it went against 3,000 years of accepted theory it called to mind Copernicus and Kepler. There are fun parallels there in the sense of discovering a radically different model to view a system, whether it is the solar system or the human body, and how ellipses are surprisingly better fits when virtually everyone assumed circles were correct.
Interesting martial arts analysis aside, the character work in the "New Beginnings" arc was very engaging. I read your reasons for keeping Ryouga's P-chan confession and Ukyo's engagement termination off-screen, and I think you made the right choices there. It's easy enough to picture how those would go, and in many ways it's the consequences of those decisions that truly matter to your story. Nabiki complimenting Ryouga on actually pulling one over on her was amusing, as was her own unique way of moving their relationship forward. Her anger that she'd bared her soul to him earlier and he hadn't reciprocated was a realistic detail too, and I was glad to see them come to a better understanding of each other. I also felt happy for Ryu when he got what he wanted and was given permission to teach his own Yamasenken school, and the exchanges between the Saotomes were fun and really showed how far Ranma has come and how, in his own way, Genma is genuinely proud of his son.
The battles in Auribus Teneo Lupum were entertaining to read, though I think this is a case where Team Juliet topped Team India in terms of suspense. This story has had many physical battles and fewer psionic ones, so I found Team Juliet's tribulations a bit more interesting. Akane as the red herring when Nodoka was the true enemy was clever, especially in retrospect when I can realize how out of place Ranma's mother was there. And Cologne's pleasure at Ranma's success and evil laughter were appropriately ominous portents of things yet to come.
Seeing Zraz again was also nice, and I really enjoy how you're using this character and keeping him involved in the plot. I'm not sure if he's changed much as a character since his introduction, but he's certainly gained substance and a presence that puts him on close (or better) footing with much of this story's heroic supporting cast. It's also enjoyable in a way to see a character get ahead through intelligence, adaptability, and competence in a world where most of the other primary heroes and villains are either epic martial artists or mind-raping aliens, and there's an intriguing inverse symmetry that as the human Trenchards become increasingly alien Zraz becomes more "human" (in a sense) yet both become more dangerous because of their transformations.
Anyway, congratulations on reaching approximately one hundred chapters with this story. It's quite the amazing feat, and while there are things I can criticize here and there the story holds together exceptionally well and offers one of the more unique takes on the Nerima Wrecking Crew's future direction that I've come across in the fandom. The only criticism that I feel is worth mentioning is one I discussed a while ago when I said that there seems to be a piece of missing backstory with XCOM's activities in China pre-Amazon massacre and their recruitment of the Musk, but by the looks of things you've been saving Dr. Hatledal for something important so I won't be surprised if you cover some of this when you reveal her role in the tale. This story is being added to my favorites list, and (while I hope you and Lathis continue writing Reflections Lost for a while since it's one of the most entertaining crossovers I've read in years) I look forward to seeing how this story continues to progress.
I apologize for taking so long getting around to this. It took me a while to start reading the "The Big Show" arc, but once I did it was hard for me to stop. You mentioned in the author's notes for "Death Under the Mountain" how hard you worked to find a strong balance and that you had to make some cuts, and I believe your judiciousness paid off. As someone who struggled handling a single fight between a mere three characters that ended up sprawling over four chapters in a story of my own, I'm a bit envious of how much control and pacing you were able to exert over four simultaneous battles involving over a dozen characters. The fight scenes were long without feeling drawn out, had enough tension individually that I didn't mind the jumps from battle to battle, and avoided a sense of repetitiousness by employing different types of combat among the different fights. The only part where I had a hard time following the action and felt a bit pulled out of the story was at the end of The Big Show Part VII when the back-up arrived, and I would guess that's largely because the section breaks between the scenes are missing (Did Fanfiction.net eat them?) and I had to mentally insert them.
Anyway, Konatsu was a real standout here. Even with all of the development you've given him I tend not to think of him as a powerhouse and martial arts genius like Ranma and Ryouga are, but he really gave an incredible showing against Dr. Tofu. Coupled with the pleasant surprise of seeing him do so well and Lime's impressive entrance, the battle was a lot of fun to read. Shampoo's eagerness of sorts to fight the mind-controlled Ukyo was also amusing, and it played well with your exploration throughout much of the story of how Shampoo has felt like she's falling behind and needs to prove herself.
Mousse (and later Mint) versus Ayabe was effective though not quite as exciting as the Dr. Tofu and Cologne battles. What I think you succeeded most at there is establishing Ayabe as a dangerous opponent and interesting character in that, unlike Cologne and Tofu, he's an unwilling servant of the Alien Mind.
It was nice to see Kuno fare so well against Saffron, and the heated exchange and backstory between Saffron and Herb and the Musk Dynasty was compelling. Herb's quick victory was also an impressively intimidating character moment that unequivocally establishes Herb as someone not to be messed with. My favorite moment of the battle, though, was Saffron's "Slice me apart. Cut open my belly. Bathe me in star fire...! You cannot kill me! I am the phoenix! I am immortal!" comment. I don't know if you and Lathis had already started plotting your crossover and brainstorming ideas for Starfire's own fight against Saffron when you wrote that passage, but I found the irony hilarious and might have even stopped reading for a moment to contain my guffaws.
The Cologne battle was intense and featured some very interesting techniques and modifications of techniques. The pure martial arts sections were good no matter who was fighting at the time, and the depictions of close combat were very descriptive. I think I had more fun following Ryouga's special technique exchanges than Ranma's, probably in part because I'm a bigger Ryouga than Ranma fan so I'm biased there and also because I find Ryouga's special techniques more physical and easier to analyze than Ranma's hot-cold and reactive special techniques, but both believably built upon what they already knew and made for an appropriately epic fight against a superior opponent. And as for Trenchard Cologne, the build-up did not disappoint and seeing her finally go all-out was well worth the 80 plus installments that preceded these arcs.
The character work in these two arcs and "Aftermath" was also engaging and, with Ryouga, synchs very well with his character exploration in Reflections Lost. For both you and Lathis, your crossover is really beginning to look less like an unplanned detour and more like an alternative route to get to the same place you were already heading to. Ryouga's realization that he had friends and responsibilities worth living for and which made him different from Trenchard Cologne was a rewarding insight, and Mousse's conversation with him where he told him not to worry how Akane would react to the truth because he had friends who would stand by his side made me want to clap Mousse on the back.
Saffron's own musings on recent events and what his future and future of his people should be were interesting too and left me wondering what you have planned for the Phoenix Tribe. And as a former huge Ryouga x Ukyo fan, I really enjoyed their conversation in Aftermath Part II. You had them share something that was meaningful and touching without being romantic, and your ability to keep that line intact and instead focus on their friendship was impressive. Oh, and bonus points for the return of Zraz too. For some reason the character has grown on me, and I'm glad that he hasn't been captured yet and is still active.
Anyway, only seven installments to go before I'm finally caught up. It's not often I read a work of fan fiction that's this long, and you have my thanks for being so patient with your pacing on this. I can only imagine how eager you are to ship the protagonists off to Mars and show the incredibly big battles that lie ahead, but the build-up is really helping tie the story together and make what transpires more meaningful.
How many strange martial arts masters had he just 'bumped into' at just the right moment over the last couple years?
[That’s a point that supposedly one fanfic writer took off with – Ryouga’s “lost” sense wasn’t really a curse, it was an ability to always end up where he needs to be, when he needs to be there, even if it’s a really unusual where, when, and he didn’t *want* to be there]
do you really intend to use it now, after all this time?"
[My question is if ONLY he intends to use it – especially if it can be removed when XCOM no longer needs it. Why not power up everybody possible? It’s not like the aliens are playing nice, and the non-martial-artists could likely use every edge they could get…the martial artists too, especially with etherialized Cologne and Tofu]
One could not engineer a masterpiece on a factory floor or on a copy machine
[Pinky & the Brain, and Steve Jobs would disagree]
and she hadn't probably only seen a couple glances of the Tendo sister in that time.
[I’m a little confused as to what this is supposed to mean - she’s only seen glances from the Tendo sister in all her time in medlab?]
he lost his senses when Kasumi dropped by
[Pity that can’t be exploited now, as long as Tofu’s thrown himself into The Mind]
He wouldn't be in this mess if he hadn't acted like such a dumb male."
[I’m still a little confused as to why he’s comatose now when Ryu seemed to bring him handily out of Tofu’s partial paralysis]
sparing with his shots implying
[shots,]
A blinding flask of light engulfed Tofu
[flash?]
Kasumi had never seen him even raise his voice in anger
[Technically, it seems like he didn’t here either. Of course, those can sometimes be the creepiest antagonists]
fixing her skin so reflect the flawless complexion she so adored.
[I think this was two sentences before a merging, but now seems a little awkward. Maybe ‘skin, returning to the flawless…’]
Chapter 95
was truly a strange.
[strange one?]
It was as foreign as… making wontons out of turkey or building a house out of paper
[Both have been done in China and one could argue that a significant portion of construction in the hot areas back in the day WAS house-building out of paper, but I digress]
It is your responsibility to secure the foundation of a new generation of Anything Goes Martial Arts
[Of course, couldn’t he do that by marrying ANYONE since he’d certainly teach his children his martial arts?]
food carthad been
[Spacing]
Akane hadn't so much as laid a hand on him
[A tad disappointing to see it’s off-camera, though]
Nabiki frowned, but her mouth was still quirked in an amused smile.
[I do not believe that is possible – the corners of the mouth would have to move into two mutually exclusive positions. It’s easily possible for her smile to fade, but frown while still smiling?]
A shy guy like you probably wouldn't know what to do with his hands anyway
[Good thing the scene is focused indirectly on Akane, because this could be seen as a fairly big insult to his relationship with Akari]
barking and jumping happy onto
[happily, I think]
noises in the un-groomed and undisturbed snow.
[“un-groomed” seems weird]
"So why didn't you tell me, huh?" Nabiki growled
[Because she worked hard to earn her reputation as the “ice bitch of Furinkan”, and “cold-blooded mercenary” (as Ranma refers to her in the manga, at least in Japanese)? Not to condemn her at this point when she’s long been helping the others, but this reputation formed the foundation for what could be a very deep-seated “don’t talk to Nabiki about things you don’t have to” that likely lingers into the present]
"That's perfect!" she replied, reaching into her coat pocket. "Because I know you won't like pretty much all of my secrets!"
A nervous sweat drop trickled down his brow
[That IS ominous]
She would never have wanted him to embark on a crusade in her name or wanted her memories to feed a lust for vengeance
[And so he flips to a girl who won’t mind that?]
"Life's too short and unpredictable
[The only issue I have with this is that, despite the things Nabiki’s seen, I still don’t think she’s quite learned this lesson – it’s one she never learned in canon and is likely why she was so horrible to everyone, she didn’t realize the impact she was actually having because she never took the full blow-back from her schemes. Unless somebody tried to kill her, or somebody close to her died, I don’t know if she would. She’s warming up to these people, but I think that unless it’s been over a year that she still wouldn’t quite understand her part in the interconnected web of life]
the bond they has unexpectedly grown
[had]
Chapter 96
Genma watched as the boy made another flat palmed strike, arms slashing like swords
[Are those not mutually incompatible moves? A thrust and slash is a rather different series of moves]
It is similar to Shitojutsu, except even more specialized
[This description doesn’t seem to do much to really clarify what it is. Granted, finger/thumb/digit strikes are rather general and saying “more specialized” doesn’t create specificity as to HOW]
"I might, But at least I'll be regretting my decision and not yours."
[That’s been a long time in coming]
from Australia, was so
[Unnecessary comma]
areas were among the most heavily patrolled and defended, and along with Europe's Andermatt,
[Pity there wasn’t a little more to link or explain the importances of some of these. All I can think of Andermatt is “unimportant little mountain communities”]
how the confession and discovery affects the characters rather than the event itself
[You do a fair bit of this with Ryouga and Nabiki, but I thought that even with Akane making a brief blip again that she’s not dealt with. I think some of that is that you glossed over the event – you’re likely right in that this event’s been done from most angles, but I think that you skipped over doing it entirely, even failing to consider its course before writing, and that showed in the story with a slightly weaker “this is how things hit the characters”. That’s one of the tough things about being an author in a complex story, I know, that there’s a lot of things that you do have to work on that the audience will never see, but if it’s not done then it forms a hole with edges that show in a lot of characters and events]
Chapter 97
ten times it weight.
[its]
She was also the only one who could effectively talk India Squad's CO out of getting lost
[Now that it had been done once, I’d think anyone could do it. Though Nabiki still gets credit for thinking up the idea in the first place]
"I trust thou are not relying on thy moral compass for our bearings?"
"Stuff it, Kuno-chan
[Good insertion of humor into a soon-to-be frenetic fight]
The darker and more secluded the location, the better
[Isn’t this pretty well a constant for the alines?]
Chapter 98
at least one person complaining that the chapters are still too long
[My opinion: chapters shall be as long as they need to be, it’s the content that is either sensible or drivel]
There was no movement behind that wall or on the periphery of her vision.
Those shadows weren't really moving.
That wasn't a pair of eyes, watching her from the other side of that office window.
Those weren't soft footsteps behind her, stopping intermittently.
She wasn't afraid of this place.
[Creepy and well done]
It isn't like I go out of my way to cause property damage, you know."
"No, those city blocks were just in the way of your mighty finger
[Ha ha]
and what was left would head back only long enough to refuel
[Why’d they return to Seiran when it would be faster to fuel in Wyndham and take straight off to Baghdad? That’s a big triangle and time is of the essence]
with their helmet visor's transparent
[visors]
Leave it to the master of hidden weapons to have, of all things, replacement robes hidden under his robes
[Well, if he can literally carry the kitchen sink…]
Chapter 99
Are you assuming command?"
Shampoo responded quickly, "I am. You help Ranma get back on his feet
[She’s certainly stepping up to the plate. Now to see whether everything blows up in their faces]
I'll never forgive you if you hit me!"
What a thing to say in the middle of a duel while busily pounding his face in
[Canon never really dealt with that hypocrisy, and that’s one of my complaints with the series: there are so many of such opportunities for Akane to grow, and instead Status Quo Is God]
Its true.
[It’s]
Ranma had encountered the aliens before on
[I think that should end “previous missions”]
Chapter 100
CL-3 "Hecate" Laser Cannon
the CL-3 is designed to dump laser energy into a target as a single large pulse rather than as a dwelling beam
[That must significantly increase construction and repair costs]
Very interesting development and plot. The XCOM-developments all seem sensible and consistent with the mentality portrayed, my only real objection is what I’ve already noted with a few “one step forward, one step back” with a number of the Nerima crew, and I readily admit that at least some of that is opinion on late-manga characterizations (which is itself even more inconsistent than the canon itself which flip-flops based on immediate-chapter story needs). I’m also slightly annoyed with the fact that this story cuts off and the “Reflections” begins…a number of weeks after the end in chapter 99, so we have a gap in events.
It's been a long haul, but I am pleased to say that I think what detriments exist are more than offset by the strong plot and interesting your story so far. Hopefully you'll find your way back to this story.
It was common courtesy, after all. Every martial artist understood that.
[Mousse has broken that. And Ranma, I think]
I still think we resolve our differences using words…"
[Like “eat plasma”?]
Chapter 85
Within in, Cologne was blinded
[I think something was either cut or mistakenly added]
chemical scrubber is detecting some sort of organophosphate in the air… possibly a nerve agent
[And there’s Ranma without environmental protection…]
single edges Dao sword
[edged]
His personality was too passive minded to easily generate a powerful aura of emotional ki
[At least in the same way…]
he rarely felt very angry or offended when others abused him
[I highly disagree – he just buries his disappointment]
Exceptional fight scenes by the way. Not only are the ‘martial artist’ confrontations excellent, but you’ve remembered that these folks have plasma guns, and are clever enough to use them.
Chapter 86
making two one hundred and eighty degree spins and building momentum
[Wouldn’t it be halting momentum if he stops a 180 spin? Is this supposed to refer to one larger 360 spin, which would be contiguous and presumably build momentum?]
and by the time he recovered
[she?]
Ranma seemed to be fairing slightly better, having adapted a form of hiryu shoten ha to blow the mist out of his way.
[After all this time, and with low ki? I don’t think he’d be doing so well. Still, it’s not impossible]
180 decibels and one million candlepower
[Ranma without his suit would be unprotected from those]
he knew a special technique announcement when he heard one
[He’s even able to improvise, while on the downswing no less. He figured out a counter of sorts in his first clash with Ranma’s Nekoken]
fight despite their handicap
[his, since there’s no attempt at mystery in Mousse’s gender]
Somehow, this man had an extrasensory perception when it came to metallic objects
[Metal alignment? Darn, I thought I’d come up with that on my own. Oh well]
maybe I should've invested a bit more in plastics…
[Or ceramics. They make ceramic blades, though security requires a small amount of metal so they set off airport scanners. If those are ones that the outside world like me knows about, I’m sure that pure versions exist]
Chapter 87
to try and preserve NBC (nuclear/biological/chemical) containment
[Since this has already been explained earlier, I would just stick with the shorter acronym]
With a hiss, the blade reformed, to flattening and lengthening from 66 to 99 centimeters. As the metal shifted, a second blood groove, this one on the left side, began to form, as the curve of the katana became more of a straight edge. This was the second "phase" of his sword, in addition to its default bokken and phase-one katana forms. Kuno had asked for the design to be based on Ganryu Kojiro's famous sword Monohoshi Zao.
[Interesting choice when he’s already got the default katana]
His tonpou (Art of Escape) was very highly developed
[Konatsu never shows up long enough to do much, but he’s good at what he does]
Chapter 88
As it is, I have put together over a hundred pages of fight scenes over the last 3 chapters
[And darn good scenes, too]
There were no forepaws; instead, it has
[Verb tense agreement]
"My God! That's…!"
[Monty Python’s Flying Circus!]
and crashed into the wall with a great crash
[hit the wall]
"Kuno to India and Juliet, Target is down. Counterattack is underway."
[What a way to start to bring things to a close – I think “awesome” covers it]
Chapter 89
Neither would be winning beauty contests for a while… unless they were judged by the loony martial arts peers they had around them, anyway
[And given that this is the case, they’re up for battle trophies]
Formula 110, however, was special: selective memory manipulation
[Seems like a lot of work when they’ve got Psi Amps]
checked the weapon and bend over
[bent]
Both of them new that
[knew]
It took more than a year to grow the staff, and another year to get it to fully bond with its master
[And it makes such a satisfying thwack]
Chapter 90
Hate was better than being alone and having nothing
[Surprisingly dark for the turn up in the story]
All that, and they'd still lost someone
[Just a redshirt. Nobody with camera time]
Chapter 91
Small body loses heat faster
[I don’t know if this is the character interpretation, but technically don’t large bodies lose more heat through greater surface area? I remember reading about that heat transmission being one of the implausibilities in an article on the inaccuracy of “attack of the 50 foot whatever”]
Its worse when you know its coming
[It’s]
only being about half as thin as the tip of a finger
[“tip of a finger” often can mean “whatever the table saw missed”, and that can be a LOT of variance]
now that he'd gone out in the rest of the world, who cared what those village idiots thought?
[If Taro thought like this, I doubt that he would’ve gone after Happosai, rather than just moving to a new region of China and calling himself “awesome taro”]
Chapter 92
Pity, like mercy, did not come naturally to her any more
[I think that pity and mercy are roughly constant – in that they are always a part of a person, or never a part of them. They can’t be entirely washed away]
spending so many hours with her fiancé every day
[Um…hadn’t she moved beyond hopeless fiancee several times in this story, much less appearing to have realized that she never had a real chance by the end of the manga (minus the rather odd failed wedding)?]
Step 3: Ukyou was having some difficulty remembering what step three was supposed to be
…Step 4:
[Profit]
She hit him again…which of course did nothing except hurt her hand
[He’s not passively invulnerable, he has to put conscious focus into it – evidenced by the numerous time they’ve all been knocked out by a bystander (not necessarily even a martial artist) by a blow to the back of the head. He would likely start to apply a light version of the iron body tech after she already hit him once, but I think that he would retain enough (if alcohol-induced) disbelief that it wouldn’t be entirely her hurting herself]
What a cosmic joke her life was.
[Again I feel like this is one of many scenes of the character taking one step forward, two steps back – Shampoo gets a lot of these scenes, too. The character gets an opportunity to evolve and do a little, then regress even more than if the opportunity never arrived. I find this odd considering how powerfully you interposed the XCOMverse on the Nerimites and seamlessly transitioned them into that new life. That was excellently done – so why is it that they’re appearing to refuse to really evolve?]
There was no going back now.
[Never is]
Chapter 93
am happy to finally heading to
[be heading]
It was a bit like squeezing into a ski boot, except that the inner layer had the texture of a slightly damp sponge
[Reminds me slightly of the occasional GDI body armor in Peptuck’s Tiberium Wars. Although it’s kind of funny to note that this seems like the first time they’re described getting into the armor, and possibly the most thorough description (not of capabilities) given. Though it’s been a while since the beginning, I might’ve forgotten. I guess it’s a good place to refresh]
forming another airtight seal
[Actually, given that the previous suits were NBC-environment ‘safe’, that would necessitate that those were sealed airtight as well. Granted, the stresses on the joints and soft spots would be different in a suit designed to be used in a vacuum]
The torso armor had two sections to it: Section A was put on over the shoulders, and built according to a "clam-shell" design
[I’d figure that the inner layer wouldn’t be “clam-shell” type if it’s just the soft underplate]
Ukyou hadn't even noticed them
[Even at a hundred years into the future it’s unlikely to miss the feel of synthetic muscle fibers – they’re still far stiffer and rather cord-like than the organic]
Due to combat conditions in hard vacuum or low atmosphere, UNETCO had devised a "partial solid state" "closed circuit breathing apparatus" that recycled and partly regenerated breathable levels of oxygen
[I’d expected a liquid including chemicals to promote clotting as well as freezing on contact with the cold vacuum. The idea’s been tested in Russia, though the cheaper air is generally preferred by both astronauts and cosmonauts]
Mars. She couldn't help but wonder what it would be like
[Calculatingly desperate? Still, that does peg the vast majority of Nerima’s martial artists given their rather shallow characterization in canon]
We could charge students for lessons AND food! This is a good plan…"
[If this is anything like his actual characterization, he WOULD be a good match for Ukyo. Both are conniving and rather self-serving, but have a strategic aspect that generally keeps them cognizant of most consequences]
A terror mission at nighttime was about the worst of circumstances
[Why? They’ve got night vision. Not as good as noon, but not as bad as trying to see at twilight with your bare eyes]
Using the Misznay-Schardin effect, the blast was sufficient to fire a steel plate upwards with enough force to penetrate 76 millimeters of battle tank grade armor
[Concise. Funny, as many times as I’ve tried to explain the physics of shaped explosives, I’ve never actually known the proper name for it. You learn new things in interesting places]
Ryouga's index finger brushed against the ground and a second later a dozen bounding mines emerged and leapt into the air
[This is sounding more like earthbending than Bakusai Tenketsu, but who cares? This sounds pretty cool]
against the night-impenetrable hide
[nigh, unless we’re talking about different forms of folklore]
For his part, Ryouga could run at a sustained speed of over ninety kilometers per hour
[No flash step, but I actually expected a little higher, based on him keeping up with Ranma and some other comparisons of Ranma’s speed in a few points]
into the ground he quickly
[ground,]
As for Lime and Kuno, both of them were resilient in psionic combat
[It would be funny if an etherial tried to mind-possess Kuno and ends up lost inside the emptiness]
It was impossible to read his muscle tension under the personal armor, but Ryu did detect a non-random ki surge around the kid's feet that rose in pitch and then warbled, like a long note hit by the string of a guitar
[Interesting analysis, but in the middle of a battle? More especially, right after thinking “I can’t waste time, got a job to do”?]
since it was impossible to apply telekinetics in a way that isn't measurable in mundane means
[You mean that _is directly_ measurable?]
Chapter 74
Nian Jing was the Chinese martial art technique of maintaining contact with an opponent, and using that contact to determine their posture and intentions. Also called "sticking" jing, it meant that he could read his opponent after just a moment's contact
[Interesting]
detected the changed in the web
[change]
Mint's initial efforts to slice his target up weren't proving very successful.
[Didn’t he just stick them in critical organs before, during the way in?]
They might be dead. But… it's hard to tell."
[Shouldn’t they have vital monitors to detect body heat or heart beat? Ryouga mentions it in his suit later, and I’m pretty it’s a standard battle suit]
Chapter 75
plucked out the bandanna's
[bandannas]
"Ethereals and Sectoids have two special organs in their brains, These are the ampullae psionic and the corona lucis. They are connected by a network of tissues called the rete exertabile. This system gives the aliens a natural ability to control their psionics
[Fairly quick, for an explanation in a battle sequence]
mind control was considered a fourth, separate, discipline
[The comma in “separate discipline” interrupts a contiguous narrative]
enemy, wouldn't improve
[Extraneous comma]
Chapter 76
become to emotionally invested
[too]
They say a man is born with seven enemies
[Never heard of that one]
She wasn't quite sure why he disliked psychiatrists in general so much
[I’d think she’d know that at least in part it feels like cheating. “A martial artist” (or “a man”) faces life on his own, and even the doctors that stitch your stomach back together are a necessary evil to be tolerated only in times of greatest need]
A true killing move can only kill, no matter your intent
[Reminds me of the legends of the Gungnir, or Gae Bulg]
he asked with another quiet chuckle
[He’s doing a lot of that, with his torso having been speared]
Nabiki was a good girl. Well, in the same sense that Ryouga was a good man
[I don’t think he’s that bad…]
she had a bit of (mostly harmless) maliciousness and pettiness
[For a manga-based telling, I think that’s just plain not true. She’s shown a petty maliciousness and especially a lack of regard for the indirect devastation her actions can cause, sometimes for money and in some part just for her own petty amusement]
with only a 50 success
[percent – the sign is eaten by QuickEdit]
Chapter 77
Ukyou had a strange look – the kind that implied he had said more than he actually had
[Strangely observant for a Nerimite – though I suppose Ryu isn’t technically a “Nerimite”. He’s being treated remarkably sympathetically here]
she still expressed frequent disdain towards his insistence that it be…equal…to both genders
[I keep seeing moments where characters like Shampoo start to see character development, like her moment with Pink and Link. Then this comes up (repeatedly) and it’s clear they’re closer to cardboard (at the least unsympathetically portrayed) than the characters you seem to like such as Ryouga, Ryu, Akane]
He had never been particularly interested in being a commanding officer of any sort or stripe
[Odd, I’d expect Mousse would be both very capable and very ambitious if he thought he saw a chance]
Fighting with a guy turned into a piglet, with yourself as a duck, gave them a certain bond. That bond being "life doesn't get much stupider than this, does it?"
[Ranma 1/2 summed up in 9 words. Of course, they shouldn’t remember that because Mousse would’ve lost his memories like Ryouga]
before you ask: evenme."
[Spacing]
I would be more than amenable to demonstrate my superlative mental facility
[He would likely show the most improvement. Then again, mathematically speaking it’s an infinite change from “0” to “1”]
Chapter 78
he just couldn't work himself into any sort of righteous fury over how he wouldn't be outdone by this person or another
[That seems to run very contrary – Mousse was extremely competitive, he just wasn’t able to match up against the main characters]
rivalry in general was something of a fool's game. Fighting the same person over and over again, over just about everything
[Rivaly isn’t about fighting over EVERYthing, and I think that Mousse knows that or he would’ve been more present against Ranma or would’ve been a more persistent threat against Ryouga in the manga (the anime not giving enough time for the possibility)]
You're like the Home Depot on legs, you know that? You have any PVC in there?"
[Given that Shampoo never once queries him about it in canon, that indicates to me that she already knows (enough, after all she pulls her chui out of no-where on more than one occasion) or has absolutely no care. Maybe both. This scene both contradicts that implication in canon and seems…a little forced. Why’s she taking so much attention?]
she'd never treated him all that unfairly
[No, Nabiki generally singled out Ranma. Maybe he was just closer]
did she revert to the her he had heard about
[Looks awkward, I’m not certain what this means]
Chapter 79
resentment of annoyance.
[or]
Its harder to pull off
[It’s]
that meant there was a good chance that one of them would die.
[Except that the protagonists have plot armor]
more than 50 casualty
[percent signs are eaten by QuickEdit]
Ranma had (perhaps predictably) chosen Konatsu
[I’d have figured you’d have written Ukyo into it. Shampoo’d obviously had a lot of writing out]
but in the manner of a caged warbler."
[Well, it is Kodachi. Even the anime couldn’t really smooth out her rough edges]
In the one fight I saw from them, though, they lacked a killer instinct
[I think they’d be more capable than Akane, who seemed no more intentionally vicious than them. Granted, I’m looking at that from the anime perspective, and that gives a gentler look at the characters, while the manga is much more vicious]
He'd trained Akane practically up to Kurumi's level
[Uh…but it was Ranma who actually defeated them. Akane was pretty much along for the ride]
he doesn't seem like the type to risk his life for money or a cause."
[Maybe for money]
and shunned by the brow beaten males
[Being more than a bit of an ass himself probably didn’t help, and he seems to have the confident self-possession that many “loners” do, so I doubt he was in any manner starving for attention]
Chapter 80
looking as a very
[at a]
I mean, she tried to get me expelled!
[Rather typical of Nabiki for anger at somebody striking back. That’s actually one of the pities of the series, she never has to face the blow-back from her actions, and due to that never really grows up]
away from the fear and the uncertainty and the guilt
[I don’t think aliens take people AWAY from those things]
Chapter 81
They could handle a vehicle class heavy weapon as easily as a man in powered armor. Easier, even
[I doubt easier, but even matching that is still an impressive feat]
Mig-29s."
"Nothing to worry about then. We probably won't even feel a bump when we run them over."
[Smack]
Chapter 82
Command would want hacks on everything done here
[Wouldn’t that leave it likely that the enemy would dump their data and experiments during the course of the battle, especially if there are remote-deletion protocols?]
He paused at that.
'Livable?' he repeated in his mind. 'Did I actually think that?'
[This segment seems wholly repetitious and unnecessary – Ranma came to the decision back when XCOM offered to cure the curses and he dec
[Same thing as most government proclamations, acts of convenience]
martial artists there were there
[they were?]
not at their friend
[as]
I don't we can walk the same path for much longer."
[don’t think?]
you never made me… do objectionable things
[I think she would’ve, had he had more manga appearances]
for being a friend when I needed one most."
[Sadly, I think she failed in this. She used him pretty unabashedly, and most of the ‘better treatment’ was relative. She even ignored Ranma’s note that she should pay him (more)]
Even Ukyou felt a disturbance in the planet's ki – as if a thousand men and women were about to cry out in disgust
[I’ve said after more than a few commercials: “I felt a disturbance in the Force, as if millions of braincells cried out in terror, and then suddenly silence”]
Not that any of it was Roman's business (at least it wasn't, until a superior told him to make it his business).
[Well placed humor]
by the time it hit a tree, it was a mangled, burning and almost unrecognizable mess. There was no way anyone inside had survived.
[I guess Ryouga wasn’t that strict when he said he didn’t want to kill humans, with this much overkill]
Instead, they had aligned themselves with enemies of mankind, and traitors to their own people
[Or just taken the first job to feed their families without asking where the money was coming from]
Chapter 65
Then problem was that none of this was particularly useful against inhuman creatures like aliens
[Not yet…]
It was used to… restrain… strong males brought into the Tribe
[This seems to run counter to the point of bringing strong males INTO the tribe, rather than simply impregnating them and leaving them as Grecian legends of amazons]
same level as a proper Giesteslanze
[No idea what this means, unless it’s referring to some psionic folklore I’ve not heard of]
Chapter 66
jungle spiders, Akane would just love hearing about this fun filled mission!
[She’d probably call him a big baby]
He'd watched those specials on TV
[I’d think, especially after the psi downloads, that he’d be a little smarter than to believe even most of the TV junk]
It wasn't as if the aliens had a monopoly on horrible creatures
[Humans make some pretty hard to beat monsters. Even inhumane research is better than “because it’s fun to watch kin squirm”]
Ranma supposed he should have been happy that the target was at Lake #8 instead of #11, but couldn't it have been at #1 or #2?
[Same reason the videogame boss is always near the top of the tower: that’s as inconvenient as possible]
Ranma peered at the creature, trying to fathom what sort of high tech alien device it was so interested in… and the Floater picked one of the eggs out of its hand and plucked it into its toothy mouth
[Anticlimactic, but in a good way]
at the same time, a second handgun couldn't hurt
[Better in his hands than an enemy’s, even if they’re genelocked…unless they’ve got transponders]
The answer: if neither you nor your opponent had bracing or significant momentum, the way to deliver a powerful blow was to grab a part of the opponent, and then strike. The strike itself would serve not only to impart energy and cause damage, but also to throw off the enemy's balance and manipulate their spatial position relative to yourself
[A good way of explaining Saotome’s focus of martial arts (if a bit late in the story) without significantly bogging down the narrative]
His traditional hakama and loose, easy fitting and undecorated Nagajūban mirrored Kuno's own taste in dueling attire.
[The traditional clothing is rare enough outside of ceremony that this was rather obviously untrue even before the character call-out]
"Kuno Tatewaki," he introduced himself. "Age: 19. Of the Kashima Shinden Jikishinkage-ryū. Founder of the Hououkendo- ryū. The Blue Thunder of Justice."
[It’s kind of funny that, as likely as this is, this is the first time that I think his specific school may have been brought up]
they'd managed to save untold civilian lives elsewhere. Of course, no one would know about it.
[Sad, but that’s generally the best way. People don’t always see something going right directly in front of them, but something going wrong is almost always noticed]
Chapter 67
and even picking up how to walking with it
[walk]
The pizza here was distinctly American: messy and greasy and covered in cheese and meat
[That is not american, that is fast food. An american taught me how to make good pizza and it is pleasantly free of grease. One of the main problems is the type of meat used in american pepperoni pizza]
Chapter 68
Akane was like that: even angry, she couldn't really lose herself in the hate
[I think she did – even if it was technically more than one emotion that she frequently lost herself in, anger and jealousy being common ones]
we all want to be accepted for who we are, right?"
"But…" Akane blinked a few times
[Interesting that Akane’s difficulty in actually accepting Ranma for Ranma (faults and all) is only now being addressed. Maybe I was expecting those to have washed away during the months everyone’s been seeing the world turned upside down by the XCOM-verse]
Not that he thought it would actually work, and make her his love slave or anything
[Then what was that segment? As far as I can see, that’s one of Ryouga’s most damning moments, and definite ammunition for people who dislike him to point out why]
Chapter 69
Half the time she tried to get somewhere
[The only thing that confuses me is: isn’t this curse hereditary? I wouldn’t think his mother would have extreme trouble navigating, or at least wouldn’t after some time away from Tetsuya]
No more Amazon village and all that."
[I think that Shampoo realized before the rather OOC “failed wedding” that she didn’t have a chance and dropped off the face of the scene. That’s been one of the things “revived” here that I thought ill-fitting]
least learned hers' entirely
[hers]
Nabiki was still the only one of them to have had real boyfriends before
[I wouldn’t have imagined that. She always seemed to obvious a gold-digger to actually keep somebody’s interest in anything beyond a single date]
the rather exotic and unusual fare…steamed duck bill, tsampa, boiled pig's feet
[I’m not seeing anything in the list that wouldn’t be common in at least many regions of east Asia]
It was the sort of smile that only encouraged others to reply in kind.
[Interesting how a smile can be companionate or aggressive, all at once]
Unable to force the compulsion, the Ethereal could only float in place and watch as Cologne walked off
[Almost looking like setting up a civil war of sorts within the alien ranks]
Chapter 70
McCarranInternationalAirport
[Is there any particular reason why there’s no spacing in a number of the segment titles like this?]
Just what do these two 'Specialists' specialize in, anyway?'
[Well, nobody ever brought up that “special forces” might mean “short bus special”…]
there was no real precedent for a male facing exile just for learning to fight
[That wouldn’t make any semblance of sense given the effort of snagging Ranma in canon. I think that some males would, but it wouldn’t be expected much as women in patriarchal societies aren’t expected to fight]
she should never have been allowed to leave the village
[This runs counter to everything of Shampoo since…what…chapter 2? She’d realized that mere survival wasn’t even possible without dealing with “outsiders”, this looks like almost infantile “I wanna be right” without real catalyst for such backwards sentiment]
even her hair was cut short, an unheard of taboo
[Actually, I think there were a number of short-haired amazons in the fighting during Ranma’s first visit to the village, I believe in both manga and anime]
It was all just a coincidence that they ended up meaning strange things in English
[Yes…coincidence…]
'She can read that without Fighting Intent
[She just said ‘aura’, which according to Chinese folklore is a constantly-outputted byproduct of all living (and often non-living) things]
Chapter 71
a point of discussion that always ended any ongoing discussions.
[“a point that” would serve the purpose without repetition]
the Amazon village or the Amazon people?"
"The two are indivisible."
[The fact that Shampoo asked the village be evacuated indicates that she knows there’s a difference, this disputes that earlier and clearer action]
Which means I wouldn't much
[be much]
Chapter 72
"And that justifies what? Doing the same thing you condemn men for
[Kind of funny in a darkly sad way to see this argument between the amazons]
tossing the man's body to the side and smack into a wall
[I sense that this was originally two sentences, because it seems like a second verb tense with “smack”]
practiced. IT was actually hard
[It?]
Chapter 52
"Bakusai Tenketsu!"
[I know that Lathis had Ryouga develop a variant that worked on metal, but the structures (classically as well as realistically) are so different that the same technique shouldn’t work. I know he could probably power an armored car off the road, but still…]
Chapter 53
regarding the Sectood's greatest weakness
[Sectopod?]
Chapter 54
The ninja boy felt bad having to hold himself back during the Sectopod fight
[Good to see that mentioned. Everybody else had been brought up in the battle]
You're a good man, Konatsu
[Not quite the words I’d expect to hear to a meek but apparently ready-to-torture expert]
The other fighter did so, leaning against the wall, waiting for the chance to pounce
[Feels appropriate to Ryouga, moreso in this ‘verse]
Ranma asked, stepping angrily towards the vile researcher and ignoring his question about their own morality
[The ever barbed point of gray and gray (or black) morality]
"Command wants him alive," Ranma reminded him
[Not something you want a prisoner to know, that’s another carrot or stick you can threaten them with]
"If God exists… People like you would try to kill him!"
[Sad thing is, in a sense he’s probably right about that]
Chapter 55
"Yes, we all know talk is your strong point," Mousse quipped, but hastily added. "Sir."
[Good to see some humor, especially when they’re going to be walking into a scene of carnage soon]
The Amazons had survived for three thousand years! Their ancient ways were the right ways,
[I have my doubts that Shampoo’s this caught up in her own traditions (as many times as I recall her complaining about being stifled, among other conflicts with Cologne), but the sentiment sounds like many people of a changing culture who don’t want to admit change is present]
Alien Battleships
[…sound more like armed transports than Battleships proper]
Chapter 56
as it approached the LZ or Landing Zone
[I’d have thought just one would’ve done the job]
Shampoo would never leave it, though, would she?'
[I don’t understand how this factors into Mousse’s dissatisfaction with his tribe’s homeland]
that she had forgotten all about it
[Or been realistic enough to know that an aerosol-deployed mind-control virus would leave essentially nothing unscathed. Then again, I’ve been reading The Andromeda Code and Demons in the Freezer, which might give me a bit better of an idea how bioweapons work than the most]
The Fist was designed to punch through the nearly invincible organic armor of a Muton. The Breaking Point heartened hide of the Amazon now on the receiving end of it wasn't close to a match
[I’d think it would be close enough to turn to chunky pulp instead of tiny shreds. While not “alien-enhanced”, it’s still by far superhuman]
A weave of exotic alloy fibers within the cloth gave it tensile strength great enough to make layered spider silk seem like rice paper by comparison.
[Interesting way to reinforce clothing, and highly appropriate to Mousse – beyond the simple structural reinforcement, that would add another possible weapon for him. I’m uncertain if he’d be able to survive even a dozen amazons at once, given that despite his advancement in Nerima and UNETCO they’ve been pursuing superhuman martial arts for decades on him, but Venom could easily have negated most of their tactical acumen and that would be enough for his equipment to make the edge he’d need, especially without heavy armor. If Venom sets them far enough back, his equipment and ruthlessness would, in Lathis’ words, “make him a virtual lawn mower”]
Chapter 57
Lasers lost some effectiveness in the rain
[Although it would be interesting to see those weaknesses in heavy rain – potentially all of that energy could be refracted into a dispersed cone, the same problem that prevents real orbital high-energy cannons from working]
Ranma spared Shampoo a quick look
[While in environmentally sealed armor?]
Shampoo and Konatsu were both better at field medic work than he or Ukyou were
[Actually, I’d suspect Ukyo to be only a little less able than Shampoo. Particularly after the psi uploads and refresher training going into XCOM]
Ryouga carefully removed the cold towel from his face, careful not to get his face wet enough to activate his Jyusenkyou curse
[Though technically it’s been cured]
but he could probably count on one hand the number of times someone who wasn't one of his estranged parents had given him anything
[Given his wandering nature, it’s probably been many times. Though most would’ve up-front asked for something in return]
and one tenth of the way towards being called a master of the godai.
[Interesting, and I can guess what four are, but not what the remaining five-tenths would be]
and blocked it with the stone bracers around her legs
[Technically those would be greaves, but “bracer” has been taking on a more general meaning and is understandable]
After being fired at by a regular handgun several times, a laser had to come as an unexpected surprise.
[Actually, a brilliant move]
Mousse, I'm going to need you to come and lead me to where you are."
[I’m surprised he didn’t make use of the integrated electronics, maps, and HUD to lead him. It’s at least a possibility]
Chapter 58
Not only was this her first real mission as part of Golf Squad
[At the same time I expected her to join the action, and hoped it wouldn’t come. It’s not that she’s not powerful in many rights, but I seriously don’t think she has a killer mentality. She might kill someone accidentally (ie with toxic cooking by fanon, or blunt-force trauma by malleting a Mundane), but I seriously think she’d even have difficulty “dehumanizing” the aliens before herself or a few of her squadmates died]
her current ride make even
[made]
in the interests of comfort
[Or more likely necessity, as clothing would interfere with thermal regulation and physiological monitors]
eventually landing east of the Amazon village, near a town called Dōngmenkou
[Unusual, the only place I know of with that name is a train stop (“east city gate”) on the Ningbo Rail]
He liked an informal unit, considering discipline in action far more important than discipline in words
[Good attitude: I wish I saw it more often in real world militaries]
You've got one Hell of an arm, Tendo. I've never seen anyone throw as far or as accurate as you do
[Points 1]
though all were uncompromised in terms of NBC coverage
[I’d think that would be less than likely, given the mass of superhumans they’re fighting. Mousse at the least, who dived into the thick of a cluster of amazons, should’ve at least gotten a nick through…and in NBC terms, that’s enough]
Chapter 59
We'll do the best
[Who will do]
Amazon women, as a rule, didn't really cry. Not out of sadness, rarely in pain
[I’m curious if this is an expression of xenophobia/tribalism from the character or if it’s more an interpretation of yours on Shampoo, who especially in the manga IS a manipulative bugger]
Chapter 60
when were they ever technically good odds?
[One on eight?]
It was the heart of madness, with everything killing everything
[As strongly as the narrative has followed individuals, this seems to draw me out of the story]
It was a 'false face,' like some animals had, and beneath it were two centipede like jaws lined with teeth
[Centipedes have rather complicated jaws, particularly with the rather unique forciples, which is what I presume you’re referring to here]
She'd imagined that it would be all servomotors and generators, whirring and humming, but it was as quiet as a ghost
[Makes me think of combat cyborgs in more than a few ‘verses]
Chapter 61
The Elder had struck a painful and disabling nerve cluster near her shoulder, and it was already starting to swell painfully.
[I think the first ‘painful’ is the only one the sentence needs]
Shan Pu didn't doubt that she took the tradition of pederasty quite seriously
[Um…I don’t think that pederasty is part of the amazon traditions. That’s generally a mark of a rather few patriarchal cultures]
should-be-intendedand squad leader
[1: “ and” 2: it seems unfitting when the fiancee brigade had essentially given up, the “crashed wedding” is a curiosity that I attribute to Takahashi getting lazy and just wanting a quick out of the series that she’d neglected to vary the status quo anyway]
"A fool and his money are soon parting
[But the question is: how did they get together in the first place?]
worse than even the butchery they themselves had indulged in on the Procyon
[Given that they executed quick, precise killing blows instead of “stick it till it stops screaming”, that’s not hard]
especially when it comes to crimes of this magnitude."
[Sad thing is, it doesn’t really. I believe Stalin said, “Kill a man and be a murderer, kill a million and be a god”, after Jean Rostand]
Chapter 62
with the insulated fireproof protection of their stealth suits
[Or more accurately fire resistance, as it was explicitly mentioned earlier that the stealth suits provide less protection than normal]
both she and Ranma wore unisex outfits that made them almost impossible to tell apart
[That and being entirely covered]
Chapter 63
Colonel Butler, who Herb had sworn
[whom]
"A wise warrior assimilates all the powers of the world, not just those belonging to his kin
Heh, there's something amusingly appropriate about Kuno with his unshakeable but warped perceptions having the highest psi-strength of the Nerima gang. Konatsu and Ryu joking about what it would be like to be rivals in the same scene was also entertaining. There's quite a lot of compelling character work in these two arcs ("Right Now" & "Guns and Roses"), and coming as it does after Ryouga's showdown with his Trenchard clone and before what looks like an epic confrontation with Cologne and the Visitors these character moments seem well placed. The "guy talk" about girls was an especially fun and lighthearted moment between India Squad and really highlighted how much their team and sense of camaraderie have developed over the story.
Of course, as much as I enjoyed these more comedic moments, I would be negligent if I didn't mention Nabiki's confession to Ryouga and the power of the scene. Despite the somewhat grim nature of this tale, dealing as it does with alien abductions and a secret war against extraterrestrials, Nabiki's ordeal at Meiji University feels like darker material in some respects, perhaps in part because it explores the heart of the character and postulates a post-manga future for her that is in many ways unsettlingly plausible. The Nerima Wrecking Crew inhabited an environment in which they were largely protected from the long-term consequences of their actions, but part of growing up is learning that how one acts and what one does can have serious consequences for other people and considering Nabiki's normal cavalier behavior her learning this lesson the hard way seems apropos of the character. Reading about the tragedy she caused stirred up some powerful emotions in me, and while it's now an unpleasant part of Nabiki's history it also makes me glad that she's found a second chance and is working hard to make something better of herself.
Anyway, gripping work these chapters, and you've gotten me interested in seeing how these developments will pan out in the future. Thanks for sharing.
To my surprise, as calculating and in some ways strikingly unromantic as Ryu's assessment of Ukyo was I found his way of approaching the matter and conversation with Ryouga and Kuno very amusing. Maybe it's the devious cleverness of a joint dojo/restaurant (train students till they're ravenous and then charge them to eat!) or the sheer audacity it takes to believe that setting up another arranged marriage through Ukyo's father would be a good idea, but I really enjoyed this scene. And as a plus, Ryu's pragmatism when it comes to love helps set him apart from the rest of the extended Nerima Wrecking Crew with their more fantastical concepts of the emotion.
Anyway, as nice as the character work with Ryu was, the major highlight of this arc was Ryouga's fight with his doppelganger and, overall, it was an impressive showing. I might have liked a more thorough description of the Mettayatara Metsubushi, but I did get the general concept and by and large the flurry of attacks and techniques was very intense and riveting. I also really liked how clearly you were able to convey the close-range melee action and describe the toll the battle was taking on the combatants' physical surroundings. Those environmental details in particular really helped me feel the scope and intensity of the duel.
The symbolism of Ryouga fighting an inhuman version of himself consumed by hatred and rage and in victory turning away from the same path was a thoughtful progression of the story too. I feel that the analogy could have been made a bit more strongly, possibly by having the doppelganger taunt Ryouga more about their similarities instead of their differences, but you didn't bash the audience over the head with the message either so the balance you struck probably works out fine. Also, Ryouga's new lethal variant of the Bakusai Tenketsu is a strikingly logical yet brilliant extension of the technique, and I applaud you for the simplicity of the design. I read ahead a bit to the next chapter so I have the details provided by that explanation, and the new variant does an excellent job of building upon other advancements in the technique over the previous 70 chapters.
These three arcs - Justice Machine, Comrades, and Once Upon a Time in China - might be three of my favorite in the entire story thus far. Your work on the characters, their relationships, and their histories in these chapters were fascinating, compelling, and even poignant at times, and I am very impressed by just how smoothly the dynamics fit together. After all, who in-universe would have thought several months ago that Ranma and Akane would ever turn to Ryouga for relationship advice and that them doing so would actually make sense? Or that Mousse would be made an Amazon Elder by Shampoo of all people? Or that the entire Nerima Wrecking Crew could get together for a movie without a fight breaking out? It's intriguing to observe just how much the characters and their relationships have changed and how credible them traveling to this point seems.
By the same token, I also found the NWC's missions against Sirius and other alien sympathizers in Justice Machine quite enjoyable. Pairing the characters off with either an outsider POV in Ryouga's case or a non-XCOM security force in Ryu's was a clever way of differentiating their battles from previous conflicts in this story and a powerful reminder of just how amazing these characters and their skills are. Kuno's "embellished" retelling of his own experience was quite amusing too.
On the Amazon front, I feel myself saddened and disappointed by Sin Ke's death. I knew in advance that by the time "Reflections" starts she would no longer be an Elder, but with so few Amazons left I was hoping that she would pull herself together and atone by doing what she could to save those who remained rather than by self-immolation. Still, the ramifications of her death for Shampoo were effectively portrayed, and it made a clean break for Perfume and the Amazon Exiles to enter the picture. I have to admit, the thought of a "flower child" Amazon is rather amusing and Perfume plays well into the stagnating Amazon society you've described. I am curious, though, whether you created the character first and Lathis borrowed her, vice-versa, or if the joint usage of the name is a coincidence that you two decided to make something more of?
And finally, Cologne's flashbacks and the juxtaposition between her past and present were interesting. I feel like there's a lot of meaning and insights hidden in these scenes with her, and the use of Happosai and recap of their earliest days together added a sense of poignancy to the proceedings. Your portrayal of Happosai and his bizarre combination of wisdom, debauchery, and whimsy was particularly striking, and it was surprisingly nice to see the character again even if it was only through a flashback (a pity the odds of him getting posthumous revenge on Trenchard Cologne through Jinx seem so slight, heh).
Anyway, great job with these three arcs, and they've really whet my appetite for the upcoming chapters.
I'm not sure how to best start this review, so I'll begin by praising the rising sense of unease and suspense you were able to convey throughout the "Twilight of the Amazons" arc. I already knew that the outcome wasn't going to be pretty, but even so you had me hoping along with the two squads that survivors would be found as well as worrying what dangers India and Juliet would encounter. There was an almost palpable tension here that really helped strengthen the narrative and pull the reader in.
Your character work with Shampoo here was also very compelling, and you have me intrigued about where you're taking this character and how this event will affect her. The clash between her stubborn pride and sense of falling behind her peers makes for an interesting internal conflict for her that could have huge ramifications for the rest of her teammates and her place in the squad, though it does remind me of one of the longstanding ambiguities about Shampoo that's left me scratching my head in the past. She might or might not have the same natural talent as Ranma and Ryouga but, as I've heard someone else put it, with Cologne's training she could be almost as good. Even with her competitiveness, though, she never seemed to avail herself much of Cologne's martial expertise in canon, and I honestly don't understand why. Was she simply so confident in her "spot" as the strongest of Ranma's fiancées that she never felt the need to push herself, and if so how is she either going to prove to herself in your story that she's still at the top of the hierarchy or come to terms with the fact that she's not as comparatively strong as she'd like to be?
Those questions aside, though, the depiction of Akane's first engagement was another highlight of this arc, and I'm happy to see her fitting in and, in an ironic juxtaposition to Shampoo, proving her worth and strength not just to XCOM but also to herself. Commander Zraz was also intriguing in a baffling, hard to read sort of way. There was a strange but fascinating combination of individuality mixed with fatalism in his personality, as well as a sharp, probing mind and strong sense of self that I hadn't expected from one raised in what has thus far come across as a fairly repressive, single-minded collective.
The battles in this arc were good too, though I do have a slight preference for Ryouga and Team India's village destroying clash with the Amazon zombies and Pi Lu over Ranma's fight with Sin Ke and umpteenth variation of the Hiryu Shoten Ha. At this point it's virtually expected that Ranma will come up with a clever counter to whatever new ki attacks he's confronted with so Ryouga's battle had a bit more suspense for me. Your descriptions of larger-scale military engagements like Akane was involved in also continue to improve, and I'm finding them increasingly enjoyable as this story goes on.
As for criticisms, as much as I enjoyed the arc it feels a bit more incomplete than some of your other ones. A lot happened here and I know a lot of it is set-up for future arcs, but the ending is a bit of an anticlimax that raises yet another question instead of providing a sense of (partial) closure before the next arc starts. I'm also not sure about this, but did you ever make explicit in this arc that Herb, Mint, and Lime are Romeo Squad or is the reader supposed to infer this from the abilities Romeo Squad displays and the Musk's presence in Part 9? Having read this arc, I get the impression that besides warning the Amazons XCOM also attempted to go on a recruiting drive in this region of China and do some research of its own, and if this is true a mention of it earlier might have helped "seed" some of the events in this arc more. Also, Part 4 ends and Part 5 begins on the same scene.
Overall, though, quite the good job, and I'd say you handled something as important and serious as the destruction of the Amazon village very well. I'm eager to see where the story goes from here.
I must say, as enjoyable and engaging as "Winter Triangle" and "The Meaning of Fear" both are, my favorite scene from these two arcs is the one you opened with featuring Cologne and Tofu. It was a fascinating look at what the two of them have become and how the Mind has twisted and warped them but, eerily and unsettlingly, not beyond recognition. The scene also provided an intriguing perspective on their motivations and dropped appropriately ominous hints of what's to come.
The rest of the two arcs didn't hold my attention to the same degree, but that's more a praise of just how powerful the first scene was than a criticism of what followed. The members of India and Juliet squads had some captivating and even surprising reactions to turning their lethal skills upon humans and XCOM's harsh interrogation tactics. I found Kuno's response to drawing blood to be particularly interesting. It's not what I expected, but with his samurai idolism it makes sense and it seems a bit more original than the more melodramatic "Oh no, what have I done? How will I ever justify this?" route you could have taken.
The battle against the nearly invincible Sectopod was appropriately tense, and it's nice to see the protagonists being thrown up against different types of threats and how they subsequently react to the different challenges. It's also pleasant to see all of them congealing as a team and truly pooling their talents to accomplish feats and victories that none of them could accomplish on their own. The aside with Shampoo starting to feel left behind was a strong character moment too, and you have me wondering how she'll find and settle into her place on the team.
As for constructive criticism, the only suggestion that comes to mind is that in chapter 53 the scene in China might have been better closer to the beginning of the chapter than at the end. I understand its importance as set-up, but placed where it is in the chapter it feels anticlimactic.
Regardless, good job. I can really tell that you've put a lot of thought into this story and your passion for both series comes across strongly.
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