  SlashmasterAeoniX 4/13/07 . chapter 1 I haven't finished this story yet, but I don't have to, to inform you that you need some serious revision. First off, though, an applaude at your astuteness. You are the first I have seen to correctly choose their pairings (LeoxRaph, MikeyxDonny). You have no idea, dear miss, how long this one has been searching for a DonnyxMikey pairing, when I consider it so blaringly obvious. On that note, may I inquire as to which series this is? (i.e. Original, Org. Turtles Movies, New series, new movie) I noticed you brought up the 'flips' punishment that is so adored in the 2nd TMNT movie (The Secret of the Ooze). It was in these movies that DonnyxMikey was, by far, most apparent. Now, to the critiscm. (Friendly critiscm) Firstly, you use very inconsistent capitalization. It is very irritating for a character name to be, at first, correct, then lower cased out of laziness. Second, you should know that it is proper to seperate dialogue with the enter key, because it otherwise seems that you are rambling with characters. Third, you have a tendency to use the word 'said' to much. It would be advised to use other interjections, such as words like 'noted', or 'yelled, sighed, exclaimed, gaped, gasped, mused, mumbled, etc.' when describing speech. This creates a more dynamic range of emotions for your characters. Also, having concern with speech, if your dialogue phrase should end with a period, end it with a comma and your next word (i.e. 'said') lowercase. These are all the critiques I have for today, if you want some interesting interjections, please ask, for I have a great list of them. Otherwise, your plot is very interesting and intriguing and I continue to wish great things of you as a writer. Please reply to my previously asked questions!
Signed, Your Obiedient Servant,
O.G., SlashmasterAeoniX /7/7"/ |
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